Identity as an artist...?

I haven't blogged in awhile....though I've been writing quite a bit. Lyrics, words, thoughts, and now Morning Pages in several different journals and notebooks I surround myself with. I've been reading more than ever in my life and have recently been accepted into a Personal Coaching program that I am so very excited about and look forward to focusing on who I am.

What has made me come to the keyboard is a passage that I just finished in the book I am currently reading.....Being Adopted - The Lifelong Search for Self. The passage is the story of a late adolescence female who during college becomes more interested in art and art history and also begins to paint. The more she paints, the more interested she becomes in where this talent came from. Her adoptive parents were not artistic folk but practical and solid people. She wonders then what made her so interested in painting. She decides to search and painfully discovers that her birth mother was killed in a car crash years before. As she learned more of her origins, she found that her birth mother also began painting at the exact age that she did. (whoa...) Her mother's father was also an amateur painter and had been commissioned to do paintings on the walls of 2 churches in her hometown. Finding this out gave the woman permission to round out her identity as an artistic individual.

As I read this passage, I became so excited and began to well up and "tingle." This story just seemed to so resonate with me....maybe because that is something I have wished or dreamed of as we adoptees so often do...dream up this fantasy of who our birth parents are and that we get these characteristics from them. This struggle for identity....to wholeheartedly embrace the artist that I feel I am is at the forefront of my life still today. Especially as I begin this coaching program and define my life purpose as well as setting goals for myself.

Proof being in the answer to a pre-assessment question "Where do you want to be?" Here is what I answered...

"I want to live in that realm of not feeling like I have to “back-up” who I really am. I live in a small agriculturally based town in Central Pennsylvania so that is not an easy task when what I do is quite different from the average. I want to use my talents to their fullest capacity which in turn will bring the health and wealth that I so desire for me and my family. I want to bring forth that full potential that I feel burning inside. I’ve worked so many “jobs” throughout life….which I’ve done well at but none of which I enjoyed and all of which have limited my income potential. I KNOW that the more I use my creative talents, the happier I am and the more I attract the work I love into my life. I want to STAY on that path relentless and regardless. "

Is this a direct connection to my desire to know my origins? I would think so but I just don't know because as we all know, I am not entitled to "know." A question that I have often struggled with and discussed at length (sometimes in near argument) with Mia is then "Is it absolutely imperative that we adoptees know where we came from in order to give us the root for who we are to become or in order to embrace who we are?" Of course, if you know Mia at all you already know her response. Mine, however, has not been as definite. From all the material I have been reading, listening to and viewing, everything says that it's a "choice." You choose whether or not to embrace it and become what you want or do not want. I do believe that but cannot help but wonder if this unknown history is an inevitable obstacle. So how do we go around, over, under or through that obstacle? Because this obstacle is one specific only to adoptees...or is it? Ugh.

I cannot help but dream and believe that after reading the above mentioned story, that that is my destiny too. As strong as this artistic musician character is in me, it must have originated from somewhere. Will I be disappointed if I ever find out and the answer is not what I had hoped? IT brings me joy regardless so I would hope not. But one cannot know until you are there.

And now, realizing that my burning desire is to fully embrace that which I believe defines me and IS my life purpose....music...can that truly be completely realized without knowing my roots first? Will it continue to be the obstacle? They claim to teach you how to go around, under, over or through the obstacle...but can it really be achieved when it relies on information that you are prevented from knowing?

Maybe my first and most important goal that MUST be achieved is to find that root so I can fully become my potential and the true intention of the creator. This is monumental...this is why records must be opened. This is why, without a doubt, that adoption as we all know it must be reformed and changed. Regardless of your opinion of adoption, being denied our roots is just wrong. Becoming who you are meant to be, who the creator intended you to be benefits the entire world....it is truly for the betterment of the world...not just the individual. There is one main reason that records are kept from us....and that is fear. Psychologists teach that fear is Fictional Events Appearing Real. And when you face fear, you become uncomfortable...it is why most do not face fear because they do not want to be uncomfortable....but when you are uncomfortable THAT is when you are growing.

Perception must be changed....for the betterment of all.