A goal or an obstacle?

As I mentioned in my previous post, this issue of my birth records and reconnecting to my birth parents is still weighing heavily on my mind. As I start into this coaching program, one of my main interests is goal setting and then planning out steps towards accomplishing those goals. Well, here's the dilemma....is my lack of records and connection an obstacle that I simply must look beyond, go around, over or under? Or is it a goal that I want to place as my highest priority to achieve? Or is it both? I get the whole concept of no matter what, my response to the event (or circumstance) is what will determine the outcome and/or success. When I look at it this way, it's an obstacle. Thus I can choose to respond to it in a different manner....which is something that I have been quite successful at and thus do not experience the depression that I used to deal with. If it's an obstacle, there are ways to go around it, under, over, through it....or is "through it" the concept of solving it.

If it's a goal...then it's something I need to plan out steps towards achieving that goal. Though I believe I've been taking those steps for the past 10 years and still am in the same place...not because I haven't tried or haven't put forth the effort...those of us who actively search all well know how much effort we put forth trying to find out. But, as we all know, there are MAJOR obstacles in our way. As in, laws. Fucked up laws, but laws nonetheless. I've gone through the Confidential Intermediary Program (ha...what a joke...and yes, Mia is right...North Carolina actually lost out by compromising.....sad but true) and the CI has made the contact, made the connection. No response from their side and my case is now closed...so, how do I overcome an obstacle that I have no course of action towards? There's always the money thing....have said for sometime that if I had the extra $3000 that those search companies charge (or rather rip us off), then I would certainly spend it in a heart beat. So, maybe I'm "choosing" not to do that....there are ways to get the money. Tough to do when you already h have debt and of course even tougher to do when you have a family to support....we adoptees have that issue of not believing we are "worthy" of the money spent....but, again...that's self-talk really when it comes down to it.

Sheesh....this is screwy. Now, add this to the mix. I'm also working through Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way - A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. ONe of the things that is concentrating on is how to remove the blockage that is preventing the artist from writing or composing, painting, etc, etc)....well, guess what? Back to the goal or obstacle? IN this case, it's back to being an obstacle and something I need to overcome or learn to work with in order for that creative block to go away. I am creating more already by writing my Monring Pages every day and blogging as well as composing and writing lyrics more and more. So, maybe the block is slowly breaking. It's all so confusing. I still feel like there's this "thing" inside just waiting to bust out of the gate...to be released...what is that? Is it related to these adoptee things? Or is it that life purpose screaming to be let loose and able to flourish?

Does the barrier need to come down completely before forward motion is truly realized? Is it a goal or an obstacle?

From my readings of Joseph Campbell relating to mythology and following your bliss to create your own personal myth, I've learned that the key is to learn how to be present in the moment but not attached...that life is full of duality....that's identical to my readings and practicing of Yoga. In an asana, you are taught to observe the pose...if it feels good, don't attach yourself to the good...if it is challenging, again, do not attach your mind to the challenge. This is duality...good and bad. right and wrong, black and white, north and south, positive and negative. Finding balance is key. So maybe it IS both....a goal AND an obstacle.

The, to top all this off, we watched the movie "What The Bleep Do We KNow" last night....relating to Quantum Physics....whew! My brain is tired!!! I get all that! I really do....but it still doesn't make it easy to accept.

Thank goodness I'm on my way to yoga class tonight! Hopefully, I'll get balanced out by 7pm!! :-)