Friday, November 21, 2008

My Hero's

I'm reading a book called "Fire In The Heart - A Spiritual Guide For Teens" by Deepak Chopra. Deepak is one of my favorite authors and teachers. As the title states, this book is actually meant for teenagers to help them in understanding life and the world around them. I purchased it in hopes that my sons would someday read it though I plan on giving this copy to my nephew next week (who is 16 yrs old). Over the past year I've read many books, listened to at least 25 audiobooks, watched many documentaries and seminars about self-development and have learned so very much about "me" (though there's surely tons more for me to learn and understand) that I kept asking myself, "How can I expose my kids to this different way of thinking and looking at the world so they might avoid many of the pitfalls I have dealt with over my 40 years?" I believe every parent wants this for their kids though I think many don't know how to show it. So I came across this book and figured I'd read it to see what it has to say and whether I might be able to apply any of it's knowledge to help me with teaching my kids. What I've found is that not only has it given me insight on how to expose my kids to this knowledge but it has taught me many great lessons....the interesting thing is many of these lessons I have previously read about in several other books. Yet, the simplicity of how Deepak is telling the story of his experiences with a man know as "Baba" (which in India means a man of great knowledge) is enlightening.

So, what has inspired me to post since I haven't written or posted for quite some time? Well, the book obviously has. But specifically a passage on pages 126-128 where Deepak is describing what he learned from one of Baba's teachings concerning loving yourself. It perked my interest mainly when he speaks about Hero's and how Baba tells him that he can "tell a great deal about someone's whole life from who they secretly want to be." This would be a person's Hero's...those who you aspire to be, whom you look up to, and those who's quests you follow. This being a place in your imagination at the mythic level.

Your Hero's may be real or imaginary and Deepak suggests picking 3 of your Hero's, writing them down then listing 3 qualities you admire in each one. These qualities are said to be "a mission from your mythic level. Your soul wants you to perform this mission in your lifetime by displaying the qualities you listed. Since they come from the mythic level, each on is in you, planted like a seed for the future." Well, anyone who knows me well enough would know this IMMEDIATELY got my attention. So I thought, ok, let's do it. I closed the book, closed my eyes and asked my self, "Who are my Hero's?" And immediately the first one popped into my mind...and the other 2 quickly followed....don't we go...

1. Snoopy

Why Snoopy?, I asked myself. What qualities do I admire in Snoopy....

Carefree, Playful, Loving


2. Luke Skywalker

I hooked onto Star Wars early....when the first movie came out back in um....1982? I'm not a freak Star Wars buff but I soooooo enjoyed the story back then and a couple years ago after discovering Joseph Campbell's books and The Power Of Myth, and finding out that Lucas wrote Star Wars based largely on the teachings of myth and the teachings of Joseph Campbell (as they were great friends), well....let's just say after watching the first 3 again I "heard" the message beneath the story line. It was fantastic! Anyone who knows me also can understand the connection I made with Luke searching for the knowledge of his parents. Obvious connection there, no doubt. 3 qualities...

Courageous, Dedicated, Quest For Knowledge

3. Barry Enzman

Barry (or Mr. E as we all knew him best) was my high school band director. I've written before of some of the experiences I had in band that were early messages being sent to me about where my path is wanting me to go. It wasn't like I was this "star student" or anything. In fact, I was pretty much average...just another band student. But Barry taught me lessons that I will never, ever forget. 2 occasions that stand out to me that made me feel so good were both at concerts. One was him simply announcing me after I played a Vibraphone solo at a jazz band concert (my first solo that I can't believe came off well as I was shaking terribly and my heart was literally pounding in my throat!)....and the other was during what I think was our jazz band fundraiser concert before we went to Switzerland....again, a simple compliment, "On percussion and vibes, a guy that sets up the lights, the audio...does everything for us...Kevin Thomas." Wow! To be noticed and recognized by someone you admire....that meant everything. As simple as it may have been to him at the time, I can still hear those exact moments. 3 qualities....

Inspiring, Passionate, A Commitment To Excellence (our band motto)

Looking over these qualities, I can see many that I really embrace, a couple that I don't do at all (carefree, playful) and others that pretty much define me (quest for knowledge, passionate). Yet, with all I've read and studied and supposedly "learned" I still am unable to fully apply it to my home life or my search for my birthparents.


Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Lucky You - promotional video

Hey all....please check out the promo video we recently produced...pass it on, post it to your blogs, do what-eva you want with it...thanks for the support!

Link out to our site -

Sunday, July 27, 2008

blah, yadda, blah

I've been doing quite well since the trip home. Guess it was bound to crash back down. did I attract this?

In the past, my cycle was get involved, get too involved, get depressed, pull back. Damn I hated that. So, I don't wanna do that this time. I would run for that train to take me underground and hide out till the coast was clear. i'm just so tired of that. So interesting how I've been "preaching" to learn to live with and love thyself before love will find you....hmmmm....was quite lovin' myself until this evening. WTF?

So, what to do what to do. Ah yes, BOURBON! LOL Mr. Beam never lets me down in times like these. Helps me forget the present and wake up to a new day.

If only it could be Bourbon St. That was so much fun. Life is supposed to be that way, no doubt.

I've written a bunch of stuff since I returned. The night after I got back I was up till after 3am writing a song that just needed written...but I came up against block and had to stop. Thankfully Ryan heard some other parts and it'll move forward after today.

The other stuff...well, it's just writing ya may show up somewhere. It's been an emotional rollercoaster. The week being capped off by Ryan jumping in to the new project so it's now official. Saturday morning while reading his email (which included a song he and Todd had worked on then used my words for lyrics) I just cried....simply cried. I've dreamed about an opportunity like this since I was 4 years old. I have no idea why. I just remember dreaming of being on a big stage, performing music and making people happy....."to forget about life for awhile." Thank you Jimmy.

So there's no real point to this post. Just babble. Hours of yard work today just kinda pissed me off. No reason really. Just because. It needed done. I know that. But, I'm just so tired of doing it. Time for a change. Would love to throw a dart at a map but I'm so very much looking forward to this new band.....we've got so many stars and planets in alignment it's scary.

So very fortunate to be able to follow my bliss. Music is without a doubt my muse. Whether listening, writing, arranging, recording, performing or gets me through. Thank you Joseph Campbell. You and my high school band director as well as my college jazz band director simply saved my life. Period.

Why does society make everyone think they have to do this or that? Why does society scare people into not listening to their hearts? I'm SOOOOOO sick of feeling obligated....fuck that. I'm so ready to just be me. I kinda like me. But the more I'm me, the more fucked up it gets. But I can't turn back.

I tried to process that whole sucker punch episode.....and ya know what I've realized? That was the first time in my entire life that I was able to BE me....and those peeps just plain "got it." We didn't have to explain it. It was just understood. No judgement. No debate. No obligation. No play happy. And when I left them, I just fuckin hated it.

My mom might read this so I wanna say this has nuttin to do with her. But ya know, adoption sux. I don't know how it could have been any different tho. As many of us discussed it's the secrecy factor that has fucked everything up. It has nothing to do with adoptive parents or even birth parents when it all comes down to it. Everyone's got doubt. Everyone has shit to deal with in life so I'm not saying adoptees have it worse. I'm just saying this secrecy thing is fuckin bullshit. THAT's what is fucked up.

Fuck it....where's that bourbon? Time to wake up to a new day.

Ebbs and Flows

I often wonder if the tide ebbs and flows more drastically for us fish people (Pisces).

So much to write, so little desire to.

I'm living the wrong life.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


How FUCKED up is this? So I spent an incredible couple of days in New Orleans for the Adoptees Rights Demonstration.....met soooooooo many simply wonderful people. Barely slept, spent tons of time (and money) on Bourbon Street listening to some freakin amazing bands....the whole event was just incredible. I had feared that I would struggle being around so many adoptees (as I’ve never been in the company of many that are my peeps).....but it was very, joyous, healing, laughter, dancing, hugs, warm fuzzies all around. I met so many that I had “known” simply by their blogs and internet forums and IMMEDIATELY connected! Fucking blew my mind! Like we’d all been family forever (which, actually is true).

So, after this incredible experience the time came to return home. Michelle and I shared a cab to the airport and hung out a bit before my flight. (Note...I’m still taking all this in stride at this point...nothing really emotional) Then the time came for me to board. Michelle and I hugged and WHAMMMM!!!!!!!! Out of fuckin left/right/outside the ballpark it hit me.....a HUGE well of emotion just snuck up on me fuckin knocked me out! Sucker punched like never before. WTF is this, I thought? (am I using the word fuck too much? fuck worx and is quite appropriate for the moment...besides I like that word!)

So I go into the restroom and my insides are freakin shakin, my heart pounding, my eyes swollen....nice...and now I have to get on a plane full of people that just DON”T FUCKIN GET IT! Motherfucker! I’m usually a calm, peaceful type but this is fuckin bullshit. Adoption is SOOOOOOOO fucked up! I didn’t “think” myself into this just took my ass and laid me out blind sided. fucker!

I’m sittin on the plane tryin everything in my peaceful, self-help, yoga inspired meditative skills to calm down. Yet no matter what I do the liquid decides to run from my eyes....just fuckin great! “No...I’m fine....just allergic to planes...” yeah...fuck em....sunglasses will help.

Why the FUCK didn’t this happen this morning or last night (especially when I was drunk?) when I was surrounded by those who would understand and help me thru. fuck, fuck, fuckin motherfucker! Thank GAWD for text messaging and for Stewie still being available. At least helped pacify me and let me accept that this is a common/normal experience. How fuckin unfair what you just did and are still doing to me Mr/Ms Universe!!

So what to do....i’m stuck on a plane. fucker. hmm...iPod with LOUD fuckin rock might help. And just guess what the first song is that comes up...Rise Above This by Seether. Very FUCKIN funny! Thank you VERY fuckin much AGAIN Mr/Ms Universe. Is this “Fuck with KT Day” or sumthin? Gawddammit! I work every second of my life to improve, grow, rise above but this is just un-FUCKING-fair.

Maybe it was the rock music from my iPod but suddenly the emotion turned angry (I would’ve never guessed that, right? LOL) So now I’m on plane thousands of feet above the Earth, full of emotion, welled up eyes, bull-fucking-frog in my throat and suddenly Mr. Anger shows up. Just fucking lovely.

Land in Charlotte, NC and walking to connecting flight. Just want SOOOO badly to scream out “Emotional, PISSED OFF adoptee coming through. Get the FUCK outta my way!” yeah, i’m peaceful alright. Sheesh.

Double Expresso at Starbucks might help. LOL

Stewie and Kali are still in New Orleans and asked me to call which was good to have others that “get it” to talk to....priceless. In fact I’m thinkin we need a commune of sort for adoptees only to live so we can be surrounded by support. Cuz the whole bitch about this is while this is/was happening inside I couldn’t vent it. I know what to do to vent it out....I have a number of ways...but NOOOOO it happens when I can’t vent and makes me wait. I guess when I finally get to Hburg and close the door to my truck for the 1hr 15min drive home, Mr. Fugly Cry will be waiting for me. Yes, you heard it....a 40 yr old guy cries...and it’s quite Fugly when it happens (yet rare that it happens). Then of course SOMETHING has to receive the’s gotta transfer into something. I can’t channel it into the drums when i’m driving and my kit is 70 miles away. Gawd help the poor mofo that might cut me off or pull out in front of me. LOL

Text messaging is helpful but not a replacement for the energy and response from someone who really understands. But thankfully I have some peeps now to at least contact and get an answer for “WTF is going on with me?”

There’s a song brewin...I’ve been feeling it for several months but it hasn’t showed up yet. It’s an angry rock song....maybe this will at least bring it out cuz I damn sure need it to vent out.


Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Adoptee Rights Demonstration

Haven't been able to get back to writing....maybe some time again.

Still considering attending this...but not sure.


Thursday, March 6, 2008

truth....IS there an answer?

I'm reading "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose" by Eckhart Tolle and I thought I might share a wonderful passage that I read this morning.

-- In Zen they say: "Don't seek the truth. Just cease to cherish opinions." What does that mean? Let go of identification with your mind. Who you are behind the mind then emerges by itself.--

This is rattling me to no end....and by what this book is conveying, that rattling is my ego holding on to what it knows and what it wants. As an adoptee, our search is a search for truth. But now, from reading this, I cannot help but ask my-self what I am to do now? The statement above makes sooooooooo much sense and I understand it logically. Yet then is my holding onto my desire for truth (my search) then holding me back from "BEING?" Is there a difference between a person (or a spirit) that knows their roots and a person who does not being able to just "be?" Can an adoptee that does not know their roots just "be?" Is it the ego (as this book so eloquently describes) then that is interfering and keeping us from having peace, joy and happiness? Or is this a primordial characteristic that we have?

This has honestly got me stuck.....I don't even know where to search for an answer! If I look within for the answer, if I listen, the answer remains that we adoptees must know before true peace is achieved at heart. So, the question that the ego creating that condition? Is that the self-talk? The mind babble? What IS the answer? IS there an answer?