Waiting For You

(Saturday morning about 5:28am)
Such odd characters we artists are...my mind has been so active lately that I haven't been sleeping much the past week or so. The difference this time is that it's not due to sadness, confusion or anything....just plain excitement and trying to sort through all the different things that seem to be now just flying at me from all directions (whew...this law of attraction thing is incredible but I've got to stop "asking" so it will slow down a bit! LOL)

Anyhow, I figured that I'd get up early this morning and go treat myself to an early morning Yoga class (I've been practicing Iyengar Yoga for about 6 years now). So, I thought I'd go to bed early last night to get some rest, try to let these thoughts settle a bit, enjoy my yoga class then I have a songwriting session scheduled this morning with a good friend that I'm really looking forward to.

But, going to sleep last night was not easy (which usually is...I may not sleep well or a lot but when I decide to close my eyes, I typically go right out....no matter when or where....drives my wife nuts! LOL) ...my mind was just so active and the Free Hugs song (All The Same by The Sick Puppies) has been literally stuck in my head for days...I haven't been able to understand why and I've been trying to clear it to "hear" another song based more around this larger concept that Mia and I have been discussing. Finally I fall to sleep...maybe around 12:30am....restless through the night, tossing and turning, odd dreams (ha! what else is new?)...and then abruptly wake, look at the clock to see 4:12am and oddly enough I "hear" parts of a song that another friend wrote playing in my head....only really hearing the chorus "Waiting for you" playing over and over. I thought, "that's odd..." and then kinda dozed in and out for another 45 min. Then, again I abruptly wake to this warm, rush feeling and notice I've got goosebumps all over (no...wasn't the wife being frisky...LOL) and that song in my head then the little voice saying, "Hey! Knucklehead! Yeah, you.....get yer ass up! I'm trying to tell you something here! Go down and listen to this demo...NOW!" "Ok," I say in the Scooby-Doo voice. :-)

Long story short (do I ever tell short stories?), one listen through and I'm welling up and I "hear" the connection....change these words to this, that line to this...if I use this here, that there....a guitar riff there, solo there....oh, wait....I hear a children's choir there....that'll take the out and build it more with the gtr crying happily...holy goosebumps, batman. I think I may have it!

working lyrics below....

VERSE:
I have spent my life, longing for you
Waiting for the time (that) I can hold you
And I have spent my life, dreaming of you
Waiting for the time, I can love you

CHORUS: (2x)
Waiting for you
Aching for you
Breaking for you

VERSE:
Soon will come a time, we will be together
And if I have my say, it will be forever
Oh....happiness will shine, filled with love and laughter
Then we will be fine, happy ever after

CHORUS: (2x)

OUT CHORUS: (children's choir in this build w gtr solo)
Oh, Oh, Oh....waiting for you
Oh, Oh, Oh....waiting for you
Oh, Oh, Oh....waiting for you
Oh, Oh, Oh....waiting for you
Oh, Oh, Oh....waiting for you

Thank you Ed. I've kept a copy of this in iTunes for years and years....now I know why. Folks...ya gotta be aware and listen to that voice. Somehow, it knows.

Remember....there's a major election coming

This is a crucial time we're approaching in American politics. Now, I'm surely not going down that road of Republican or Democrat or anything like that (for the record, I'm a registered Independent...I vote for whomever I think is best...not along "party lines" and I don't want anyone profiling me to be on "their side".....I'm on MY side) but we as adoptees and members of the triad need to take a look at these people running to represent our country.

I don't even know who all is in the ring right now because I can't stand watching all that bs on the news....it's crazy! Can anyone find positive in the world and report that instead of all this negative? Like attracts like. If you're watching it and complaining about it, you're contributing to it! Yuk!

Are there any candidates that are running and are adoptees or other members of the triad? I know a politician who is an adoptee that I plan on talking to. How about you?

Remember (and this is IMPERATIVE), POSITIVE approach is the ONLY way! If you complain to a politician, they will most likely blow you off. I don't know the exact thing to say, but we need to figure that out and start doing it! NOW!

Take 100% RESPONSIBILTY!

Most people are not used to connecting with "positive" especially with this type of thing. That's ok...we are going to change that. I was the same way...used to get pretty ticked at every program or person that ONLY spoke about the positive reunions and such and not acknowledging the downside. There's a definite line and we're in the midst of understanding it and changing how everyone approaches this and what perspective they choose to hold. The "easy" way is to stay in denial, fear and anger...it worked for me for a long time too (well, didn't really work but that's what I thought at the time).

The concept here is to not denounce the negative but to be aware of it, work through it, get help with it and not be attached to it. Be indifferent to it. And hopefully as we change the system we will prevent the next age of adoptees from having to go through what we have thus far...to get them help early...and work towards more openness overall. I've read some great stories of those involved with Open Adoption...though I'm sure there are bad ones too the way I look at that is the "bad stories" are the ones that involve those parties who we definitely need to reach to educate. Education and awareness and openness....KEY!

I got so tired of being sick and tired....and tired of being angry (whew.....that anger road is not a fun one...and it creeps up unexpectedly still)...tired of "fighting"...I don't want to fight...I don't want anyone to pity me! I've pitied myself too much already. I want to work towards change and work towards changing everyone's view on this.

You all know as well as I do that most view us as angry, ungrateful, lacking compassion, lacking thankfulness, etc, etc, etc....too many times we're viewed as negative and it's our own faults! Regardless of why we got that way, WE are responsible for 100% of the image we portray. No one will change that for us, we have to change it ourselves. Turn the spotlight to viewing us as positive, grateful, loving compassionate, etc, etc, etc...WE all know we are those traits, but it's not how we're perceived and thus we create the trend...we create the behavior. You teach people how to treat you. It's painful to realize that but it's the truth!

I know I'm surely preachin to the choir here but it's just flow of consciousness.

What IF we could change the perception? What IF we could be looked upon with compassion? Wouldn't that be awesome? I think so!

I believe if we change the behavior, we change the outcome.

This is our birthright! And we're "allowing" others to determine whether we can have it or not! Yes, I said WE ARE ALLOWING IT! Take the responsibility! We can open these records IF that is what we want! It's what I want and what I will do!

No turning back now!

Hey all.....just a brief notice...check out the following blog and the comments.

http://miassavinggrace.wordpress.com/2007/03/20/exactly/

Mia is a fantastic adoption advocate that I met through signing up for membership with The Adoption Forum (http://www.adoptionforum.org/) and I have been reading her blog. Well, the idea that I've held inside for some time now just mysteriously came out of me this morning while commenting to her blog and it's getting legs under it....FAST! Within 10 minutes I received an email from somebody else wanting to participate.

I have a very rough demo of a song (wrote it this morning/afternoon) and am looking to call on some colleagues to make it into the song we need and the song that it can be.

If you know of anyone who would be interested in this project (you have to read Mia's blog...too long to re-type), please email me or Mia. We're doing this...no doubt about and no turning back now!

(P.S. thank you to the Free Hugs Campaign video for the inspiration!)

...to be continued.

This years "un-birthday" - Part 2

I'm back! Sorry for the delay.....sooooo many things going on right now. Truly amazing! I live off the saying that "everything happens at once"...and thrive on it now!

So, where were we....oh yes, in the waiting room of The Montel Show. The couple sat down adjacent to me and settled in. Typically, though I consider myself to be friendly, I tend to just mind my own business. Gladly though, the gentlemen who sat down next to me was quite friendly and continued to strike up conversation. When I heard he was a writer, had quit his job to pursue his passion, had very recently succeeded in getting published and then heard that his wife was a life coach I smiled and thought, "Well, here's one of the reasons I was supposed to come today." Their names are Rob and Deb Britt. They are wonderful people and operate a number of websites...please check some of them out here:
http://www.thespiralpath.net
http://www.SomeoneElsesTomorrow.com
http://robertbritt.com/

Ok...well, finally they began to let us in to the show area. (making sure all cell phones were OFF as we enter....thank goodness...I still can't figure out WHO everyone seems to always be talking to...LOL). There were those with VIP tickets called first then those of us who had an "M" written on our tickets. I had an "M" as did Rob and Deb but we got separated heading to the door. As we entered the audience seating, a nice woman was selecting the seats for us (I guess based upon what looks best on camera or something of the sort). She placed me in the fourth row 3rd seat in to the right.....which left 2 open seats between me and the aisle. Several others entered and were assigned seats then I saw Rob and Deb. As they came up the aisle the woman assigned them to sit in those 2 empty seats next to me....hmmm....coincidence? The woman would've had no way of knowing that we had just met and there was several others between when I was seated and them. (I don't believe in coincidences anymore....remember?) So, fancy that? Pretty cool. We were able to continue our conversations and it was comforting having someone to chat with (oh, turns out Rob also plays bass...still think it's a coincidence?). Deb and I began to chat about Life Coaching. I have always been intrigued with Life Coaching ever since my therapist, Dr. John Bellanti, took me from therapy into life coaching. (side note: Dr. Bellanti was in the process of writing a book about Creativity at the time I was seeing him....hmmm...coincidence? nope.) He's a fantastic man and I'm so grateful I found him. Check out his website at:
http://www.coachingthruthecrossroads.com/

So as the show is soon to begin, the staff explains this and that and says that Montel will be out to answer audience questions then at the beginning of the show he'll start in the audience for some questions concerning the movie The Secret. You may know what I was thinking at the time. Is this when my moment is? Will he call on me? Is THIS why i'm supposed to be here? Well, I'd better think of something so I don't stumble on my words. yikes! Many of the audience members are intrigued by all the tv monitors, moving camera's, theater lights, etc....I've been around this stuff since high school and actually worked for an NBC affiliate when in college as a camera operator so it didn't phase me (even as much of a geek I am about that stuff....now....if somebody would've had an Apple laptop or something out there controlling something, THEN I'd be geekin'...LOL). I was just focused and looking forward to the program and listening to Jack. There's a different vibe you receive when in person with someone (even though separated by stage and audience) rather than seeing/hearing someone on a recorded medium.

Montel fields some audience questions and we soon are all on the topic of the utter craziness that is going on with the media giving so much attention to this Anna Nicole Smith saga. Montel was some KINDA fired up over this and the audience was right in it! There was some incredible energy in that room! For the record, it is disgusting that the media is airing all that crap....ESPECIALLY when we have men and women fighting for that very freedom. But, as i've learned, I'm not going to place any energy towards that. But, you all should note that the more we the public watches and receives that crap without picking up the phone, writing an email or whatever, the more WE are just as much to blame. Plain and simple.....STOP WATCHING IT and the media WILL HAVE TO change their programming. You can argue the chicken or the end factor all you want...but the fact remains, if less and less watch it and the numbers go down, the advertisers (unfortunately the ones who really control this) will not put their money into it and the media will have to change. So, TURN OFF THE DAMN BOOB-TUBE! Choose wisely what you watch. (soapbox off)

The shows starts....and sure enough, Montel is in the audience (and my heart is in my throat). He selects a lady 2 rows in front of us...then turns and asks if anyone else has had a specific instance related directly to The Secret. I, as do most of the audience, raised my hand....he seems to look directly at me (Rob, who is next to me is also raising his hand)....oh, no, I think...he's looking at me!....for a split second my hand drops ever so slightly.......and......he says "yes, sir, please stand up"......to Rob...right next to me! whew.....damn...I was that close! But, I was glad to hear Rob's story about recently getting his book published. (you might be thinking, WHY did you sink? Well, when I look at it...I realize that I wasn't ready for it at that time. I doubt I would've been able to even speak! I can get up on stage behind a drum kit in front of thousands of people, but this was different....and I learned from it....most important of all). Next time, I'll be ready.

We go thru the show and it was cool that during the commercial breaks they fielded questions from the audience. Most of which I'm sure won't be aired but to me, those were the highlights. Jack is a remarkable individual. The entire time I was glued to every word everyone was speaking...just absorbing it all (in between all the "sit up straights"...LOL)...I could feel the energy and was so grateful to be a part of this. As the show wraps up (after about 3 hours of sitting in those seats...I think this was much longer than they anticipated but the discussions were powerful and it's admirable that they let all that happen). If you've never seen Montel, you should. He's an incredibly passionate, caring, driven person. I am pretty good at seeing through someone (thanks to my "in-tune-ness") and he's the real deal. A good guy to say the least.

As we're waiting to exit the room I am standing in front of the stage and the weirdest thing happened....without "thinking about it" I "saw" myself sitting on that stage in the guest chair....and said, "I'll be in that seat someday." hmmmm.....freaky.

Back out to the street, down through Times Square (again, what an incredibly over-stimulating experience that is in itself) and to the train station. Waiting for them to board my train back to Harrisburg I realize it's about 2:30pm, I've been up since 2:15am and all I've eaten was coffee, a couple yogurt bars and some cashews....but I'm not really hungry. Time flies...

I board the train and think "WOW! What an experience!" Should I start writing, reading, listening? I sifted through the free books and dvd's we received and then realized, I'm tired! Time to veg for a bit....unplug and absorb. I dozed off a bit with a cat nap (I hope I didn't snore too loud...LOL) and then woke somewhere in New Jersey again seeing the conditions in which many live....wow....we're so fortunate to have the things we do and we're asses for not appreciating it. Just go look at these areas and that will change your outlook.

So, I'm looking out the window reflecting upon the day and suddenly the ideas start flowing....wow, what a GREAT rush that is when it happens! I get out my notepad (I've learned now that I MUST carry with me at least a small notepad wherever I go because if I don't capture that idea IMMEDIATELY, I lose it...as Lori will surely support, my memory often fails me LOL...I've been recording ideas as Voice Records in my cell phone, I have an attachment for my iPod and of course numerous scratch notes, yellow pads and scrap paper) and just write down everything that's coming out!

I've always had a desire to help others....my parents taught me this whether they realized it or not...they were foster parents when I was in my teenage years. We had several children come through our home, dropped off at all hours of the day or night and it taught me many things that, of course, I didn't know at the time. It's probably one of the reasons I became a volunteer firefighter and emt soon after high school. I thought often about helping others connected to what I've dealt with all my life....being an adoptee. The first thing I wrote down was start an Adoptee Group. Then I remembered that there are several groups, organizations in the state and in the country. Why try to reinvent the wheel? Why not join the forces....quite thinking about it....DO IT! I've always shy-ed away from this out of fear of others knowing and how they'd treat me...yadda-yadda-yadda.....guess what? I don't freakin care anymore! If they've got issues with me speaking out, then they need a tissue for those issues. Time to change that.

The next thing is the book. 5 years or so ago I had this idea to write about my experiences and a friend said, "Who'd buy it?" And I thought, "yeah, that's a crazy idea." Well, I've found through these past couple weeks that people seemed to be drawn into this story. I'm not exactly sure why but they are. Here's an example....Lori was telling a fellow teacher about my story of getting tickets to the Montel show with Jack Canfield (see 1st blog entry)...she was telling one teacher and as she did this she noticed the others in the room listening....intently...and before long they were surrounding her listening and couldn't believe what they were hearing! I drew them in! Now, I have to admit I wasn't sure how I felt at the moment of finding out that she told people outside my "inner circle of friends" but it made me realize that it IS a story that is interesting and it IS a story that needs to be told. This blog is the one of the beginning parts of that book...I've never written so much in my entire life! you may ask, "what will you do with it? How will you sell it?" I dunno....but I'm not worrying about the "How's" anymore....I'm just doing. This WILL be a book! Never, in my entire life, did I think I would be doing this! Fantastic!!

Life coaching....like I said, it intrigued me from the first time my therapist mentioned it. Talking with Deb Britt at the Montel show brought that interest back even stronger. hmmmmm....guess I'll look into that now.

The music....those who know me know that this has been SUCH a big part of my life...all of my life. That moment in 9th grade band rehearsal when i played a timpani part and felt this INCREDIBLE, indescribable (sp?) RUSH of adrenaline (or whatever it was) that ran through my body....whew....i've been hooked ever since. But then, as i look back, music has always been a big part. I remember hiding my clock radio under my pillow when I was in elementary school so I could hear the King Biscuit Flour Hour program that came on at about 11pm at night. My parents, of course as parents are supposed to do, made me go to sleep but I just HAD to listen to that show. So, I'd hide my clock radio under my pillow and have it just loud enough that I could press my ear through the pillow and listen. LOL....geek! :-)

I've made so many mistakes in this music thing...the last one was yet another lesson. But I'm thankful now for these lessons that I have learned (and they've been many!).

There's much more coming....I'm listening to a James Ray Tele-Conference as I'm typing this (and recording it....have my cell phone on speaker phone and a mic pointed at it recording into the computer...LOL...geek!)....and my mind is not focused. But there have been sooooooo many connections since this trip. Some of you may have thought Montel was going to get a private investigator or someone to find my birth parents...seriously...I DID NOT expect that (LOL...maybe I should have?)....but I do know that going there is what helped me realize all this....it solidified it and made it tangible.

As I've said before, I now KNOW that I will find them and I KNOW that I will write this book and that people will buy it, and I KNOW that I will build this band and it WILL be successful, and I KNOW that I finally have the courage to speak out and help others....because I care.

Thanks for reading.....to be continued! :-)

This years "un-birthday" - Part 1

What a day this years “un-birthday” has turned out to be! (I used to fiercely HATE the term “un-birthday”....but now I embrace it) The past couple of days have been so overwhelming that it’s hard to know where to start. But, here we go....

Back-up to the previous weekend: I was trying to decide whether I should drive in Tuesday night and reserve a room in the city or to just drive in Wednesday early morning. I did the typical searching of prices, maps, yadda-yadda....and just didn’t follow through. A good friend, Mike Freeman, called on Sunday night (I think it was Sunday....sheesh...days just run together sometimes) and as I mentioned my frustration in deciding how to get to the city he asked if I had considered taking the train. “Uh...well...duh...no, I hadn’t even thought of that,” I said. Sure enough, that was the “ticket!” Amtrak goes through Lewistown but not early enough so I found a 5am train out of Harrisburg that would get me to New York by 8:26am (I was to be at the door for Montel’s show by 9:30am). Perfect. I reserved my ticket for the trip....no turning back now!

I realized that in order to get to Harrisburg by 4:30am (about an hour and 10 min drive...well, a bit shorter if I’m driving...lol) that I would have to get up at 2:15am! 2:15am!??? Hell, that’s usually when i get to bed! Oh well...I went to bed at 10pm but don’t know if I actually slept and actually woke up to look at the clock at 2:14am....right before the alarm went off. Weird. I was immediately wide awake....filled with anticipation! As i get to the coffee pot (mmmmmmm) I noticed a note attached to my backpack with some green stuff attached to it. “A little something for your trip”....ahhhhh....my baby taking care of me again! :-)

Off I go....in the big white bus (Ford Excursion for those who didn’t know what I drive)....silence for half the trip, just letting my mind wonder. Then, time to put on some tunes....and what better than the man that helped start this....Jimmy Buffett! How, you say, did he help start it? Well, you see, in a nutshell...we lost a most wonderful person on Nov. 14, 1991....my best friend, Jamie Parker. Jamie is who taught us friendship. Jamie is who turned us on to Jimmy Buffett. Jamie wanted Mike and I to get tattoo’s but we wouldn’t (though we did 6mos after his death) and Jamie who believed in me and convinced me I was a musician...that I had talent. I read Tales from Margaritaville...in it, Jimmy mentions The Power Of Myth by Joseph Campbell. I was never much of a fan of reading books but for some reason I wrote on a note to read The Power Of Myth....fast forward to a year and a half ago....I was on my way to Delaware to perform in a show....stayed overnite at Mike Freemans in MD...noticed an audiobook version or The power Of Myth....listened to it on the way to DE and got my eyes opened. That trail led to this one....it all connects folks...all you have to do is be aware and believe.

Back to the trip....I arrive at the station, just on time...I knew I would. Get my ticket, take a seat waiting to board and decide to write in my journal....as I reach in my bag to pull out my journal, I notice an envelope that I didn’t put there. It’s a card....from my “hun-bun.” Even better, it’s a Snoopy card (Snoopy is The MAN! well...in a manner of speaking of course). Different quotes all relating to our new way of thinking (I must admit, they were hard to read with all that “water” in my eyes...uh-um!) “Here’s to your next 200 ft.” Love, Lori.......ahhhhhhhh.......talk about “feeling” the love! Whew!

“All aboard”.....never been on a train before so this was exciting in itself. I find my seat and as we begin to depart a man begins coming down the aisle, dressed in the appropriate train attire with the hat and everything....I smile then hear “Tickets please!” Just like in the stories. OMG! Cole would have LOVED this! (my youngest is still a fanatic of Thomas The Tank Engine) I smile even more and know more smiles are coming.

Through the trip I listened to my iPod awhile, read awhile (I’m currently reading Think & Grow Rich by Napolean Hill....fabulous book...and no, it’s not just about money...it’s about sooooooo much more than that....”Don’t judge a book by it’s cover”)...and then begin to write. Some entries to my journal, some lyrics to a possible song but then I get inspired to write my observations. I decide to write down whatever pops into my head from looking out the window or whatever catches my attention. Never have I done this before and it was quite exhilarating. As I’m looking out the window writing down thoughts, I realized how lucky I am and grateful I am for the house and area that I now live in (those of you who know me know that has not always been the case....HA! It has NEVER been the case!). It was sad to see the types of places that people are living in and the community life that they are dealing with.....truly a blessing to be where I am. A friend calls to wish me Happy Un-B-day....(thank you Norma!)...my belly was tingling the closer we got to the city....my emotions and feelings were telling me this was going to be an exciting day and before I knew it we were arriving in Penn Station.

(note to self - include journal entries and observations...)

New York! It’s been awhile since I was there last. You can FEEL the energy of this city as you are approaching it and when you are walking within, it’s simply amazing. I didn’t know which way to go at first so I just figured, “Everybody’s going this way so I might as well follow them. They must know where they’re going.” I came out onto 7th Avenue and 33rd-ish Street, looked up and it was the Madison Square Garden entrance. cool. hmmmm....which way....my sense of direction is a mess....oh, street numbers going that way....ah, well look-ee there...Times Square! How exciting! The visual and audio stimulus from everything is simply incredible! And for those of you who haven’t realize yet that Apple and the iPod have become a culture, all you have to do is look at a city street! I’d swear every 4th or 5th person I saw (and remember, I’m in New York so that’s a helluva lot of people in each SECOND) had the trademark white headphones plugged into their ears. wow! And if you are doubting the soon to come iPhone, you’d better check yourself.

Anyhow...back to the adventure....(I can geek out at any moment when it comes to Apple and tech stuff)....I could’ve taken the subway but I would’ve missed this experience. 20 blocks later, I find 53rd street and then the awning for The Montel Show. I’ve made it! On time, just as i knew I would. 2 lines outside the door...didn’t know which was which so just hopped in one. Everyone was chatting excitedly about what they do, where they’re from (I heard Ohio, MD, VA, PA, NJ) and what they hope to do. Everyone was energized. Finally, they started letting us in.....checking those of us who reserved tickets and we all gathered in the waiting room.

I was enjoying a snack and some water when a man and his wife approached and asked if the seats next to me was available, I answered yes and they settled in. We began to chat a bit and found that they were from Leesport, PA, were writers, a life coach and had been living this path for some time. Small world we live in....truly.

...folks...I have to take a break....have some plans to work on and errands to run....will be back soon! There’s plenty more!

...to be continued.... :-)