In your court

So, here I am approaching that day once again....are you reading this? It surely wouldn't be difficult to find this. A simple Google search of the name you were informed that I was given. This will be only the 10th actual day since we were separated. 10 days. 40 years.

I've spent the past year reading, viewing, applying and trying to grow self. I've been in a personal coaching program since September. I've read more books than I did in my entire school education (grade and college). What has it done for me? I just don't know anymore. The more I've learned, the more I've "grown", the more I've found peace and grace within.....the more distance has been created between everything else.....everything. So has it been worth it? I just don't have an answer.

My studio is being finished. Certainly a present to myself. I'll get a post or picture blog going here soon to show the progress. It's actually so very exciting and a cool thing about it is a fellow artist is who is doing the work so he "gets it" when I describe what I'm trying to create with the room. LOL....at least someone doesn't think I'm crazy....or maybe he's just as crazy! Quite possibly both. Regardless, it's been a welcomed distraction to focus on this creative space...to visualize....to dream. I can see the whole room finished already....have for some time. And to have someone who "gets it" be the one who also is building it, helping to create it is a wonderful energy that is being created already in that space. Just as a cake made with pure, unconditional love tastes so much better than one purchased at a store.

The plan is to head to the mountains this evening and get the camp ready (warm) for the wife and kids to arrive tomorrow. We'll spend the weekend there. Not sure what we'll do. No video games, no internet, no others. I hope it warms up enough to take a walk in the woods....does wonders for the soul.

As anyone who knows me we tell, this time of year has always been a struggle. 6 months ago I decided that I would view this year different. Utilizing this now known of and recognized Law Of Attraction I would create what I wanted. I had planned on throwing myself a big celebration. As I put it, "kick the door down into the 40's" instead of loathe that they arrived. I've heard so often that the 40's are great so why not hit them square between the eyes to start off. I put all these goals out, visualized them, believed them, felt them.....just as all this LOA schtuff claims. I wanted to release my first album at the big celebration that I would throw on Feb 29th and looked forward to giving out a copy to everyone.

What happened?

No album.

No celebration.

No kicking the door.

Hope, belief, desire, wishes, dreams....notta.

Change? Yes. But none of which I wanted. So by the explanations of everyone, somehow this LOA gave me what I asked for...yet I didn't ask for what I now have...I've received the absolute opposite of what I attempted to attract into my life. And even I cannot figure out why.

Maybe there's some primal, universal, cosmic reason....for the life of me I cannot figure out what it is or why it is. I believe everything comes to us to teach us lessons. What is this lesson? I cannot find the positive in it even though I've looked inside every corner of this lesson to find it.

So the ball remains in your court. I'm flush out of ideas. Out of game plan. No power bars or gatorade left on the bench to refuel the player. No more motivational speeches from the coach to get me back in the game. All you have to do is one simple move......

Answer.

"Something's Missing" - John Mayer

I'm not alone, I wish I was.
Cause then I'd know, I was down because
I couldn't find, a friend around
To love me like, they do right now.
They do right now.

I'm dizzy from the shopping malls
I searched for joy, but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

When autumn comes, it doesnt ask.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart:

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
Something's different
And i don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is