My Hero's

I'm reading a book called "Fire In The Heart - A Spiritual Guide For Teens" by Deepak Chopra. Deepak is one of my favorite authors and teachers. As the title states, this book is actually meant for teenagers to help them in understanding life and the world around them. I purchased it in hopes that my sons would someday read it though I plan on giving this copy to my nephew next week (who is 16 yrs old). Over the past year I've read many books, listened to at least 25 audiobooks, watched many documentaries and seminars about self-development and have learned so very much about "me" (though there's surely tons more for me to learn and understand) that I kept asking myself, "How can I expose my kids to this different way of thinking and looking at the world so they might avoid many of the pitfalls I have dealt with over my 40 years?" I believe every parent wants this for their kids though I think many don't know how to show it. So I came across this book and figured I'd read it to see what it has to say and whether I might be able to apply any of it's knowledge to help me with teaching my kids. What I've found is that not only has it given me insight on how to expose my kids to this knowledge but it has taught me many great lessons....the interesting thing is many of these lessons I have previously read about in several other books. Yet, the simplicity of how Deepak is telling the story of his experiences with a man know as "Baba" (which in India means a man of great knowledge) is enlightening.

So, what has inspired me to post since I haven't written or posted for quite some time? Well, the book obviously has. But specifically a passage on pages 126-128 where Deepak is describing what he learned from one of Baba's teachings concerning loving yourself. It perked my interest mainly when he speaks about Hero's and how Baba tells him that he can "tell a great deal about someone's whole life from who they secretly want to be." This would be a person's Hero's...those who you aspire to be, whom you look up to, and those who's quests you follow. This being a place in your imagination at the mythic level.

Your Hero's may be real or imaginary and Deepak suggests picking 3 of your Hero's, writing them down then listing 3 qualities you admire in each one. These qualities are said to be "a mission from your mythic level. Your soul wants you to perform this mission in your lifetime by displaying the qualities you listed. Since they come from the mythic level, each on is in you, planted like a seed for the future." Well, anyone who knows me well enough would know this IMMEDIATELY got my attention. So I thought, ok, let's do it. I closed the book, closed my eyes and asked my self, "Who are my Hero's?" And immediately the first one popped into my mind...and the other 2 quickly followed....don't laugh....here we go...

1. Snoopy

Why Snoopy?, I asked myself. What qualities do I admire in Snoopy....

Carefree, Playful, Loving

hmmmm....

2. Luke Skywalker

I hooked onto Star Wars early....when the first movie came out back in um....1982? I'm not a freak Star Wars buff but I soooooo enjoyed the story back then and a couple years ago after discovering Joseph Campbell's books and The Power Of Myth, and finding out that Lucas wrote Star Wars based largely on the teachings of myth and the teachings of Joseph Campbell (as they were great friends), well....let's just say after watching the first 3 again I "heard" the message beneath the story line. It was fantastic! Anyone who knows me also can understand the connection I made with Luke searching for the knowledge of his parents. Obvious connection there, no doubt. 3 qualities...

Courageous, Dedicated, Quest For Knowledge

3. Barry Enzman

Barry (or Mr. E as we all knew him best) was my high school band director. I've written before of some of the experiences I had in band that were early messages being sent to me about where my path is wanting me to go. It wasn't like I was this "star student" or anything. In fact, I was pretty much average...just another band student. But Barry taught me lessons that I will never, ever forget. 2 occasions that stand out to me that made me feel so good were both at concerts. One was him simply announcing me after I played a Vibraphone solo at a jazz band concert (my first solo that I can't believe came off well as I was shaking terribly and my heart was literally pounding in my throat!)....and the other was during what I think was our jazz band fundraiser concert before we went to Switzerland....again, a simple compliment, "On percussion and vibes, a guy that sets up the lights, the audio...does everything for us...Kevin Thomas." Wow! To be noticed and recognized by someone you admire....that meant everything. As simple as it may have been to him at the time, I can still hear those exact moments. 3 qualities....

Inspiring, Passionate, A Commitment To Excellence (our band motto)


Looking over these qualities, I can see many that I really embrace, a couple that I don't do at all (carefree, playful) and others that pretty much define me (quest for knowledge, passionate). Yet, with all I've read and studied and supposedly "learned" I still am unable to fully apply it to my home life or my search for my birthparents.

Why?

Lucky You - promotional video

Hey all....please check out the promo video we recently produced...pass it on, post it to your blogs, do what-eva you want with it...thanks for the support!

Link out to our site - http://luckyyou.me

blah, yadda, blah

I've been doing quite well since the trip home. Guess it was bound to crash back down. hmmm...how did I attract this?

In the past, my cycle was get involved, get too involved, get depressed, pull back. Damn I hated that. So, I don't wanna do that this time. I would run for that train to take me underground and hide out till the coast was clear. i'm just so tired of that. So interesting how I've been "preaching" to learn to live with and love thyself before love will find you....hmmmm....was quite lovin' myself until this evening. WTF?

So, what to do what to do. Ah yes, BOURBON! LOL Mr. Beam never lets me down in times like these. Helps me forget the present and wake up to a new day.

If only it could be Bourbon St. That was so much fun. Life is supposed to be that way, no doubt.

I've written a bunch of stuff since I returned. The night after I got back I was up till after 3am writing a song that just needed written...but I came up against block and had to stop. Thankfully Ryan heard some other parts and it'll move forward after today.

The other stuff...well, it's just writing ya know....it may show up somewhere. It's been an emotional rollercoaster. The week being capped off by Ryan jumping in to the new project so it's now official. Saturday morning while reading his email (which included a song he and Todd had worked on then used my words for lyrics) I just cried....simply cried. I've dreamed about an opportunity like this since I was 4 years old. I have no idea why. I just remember dreaming of being on a big stage, performing music and making people happy....."to forget about life for awhile." Thank you Jimmy.

So there's no real point to this post. Just babble. Hours of yard work today just kinda pissed me off. No reason really. Just because. It needed done. I know that. But, I'm just so tired of doing it. Time for a change. Would love to throw a dart at a map but I'm so very much looking forward to this new band.....we've got so many stars and planets in alignment it's scary.

So very fortunate to be able to follow my bliss. Music is without a doubt my muse. Whether listening, writing, arranging, recording, performing or discussing....it gets me through. Thank you Joseph Campbell. You and my high school band director as well as my college jazz band director simply saved my life. Period.

Why does society make everyone think they have to do this or that? Why does society scare people into not listening to their hearts? I'm SOOOOOO sick of feeling obligated....fuck that. I'm so ready to just be me. I kinda like me. But the more I'm me, the more fucked up it gets. But I can't turn back.

I tried to process that whole sucker punch episode.....and ya know what I've realized? That was the first time in my entire life that I was able to BE me....and those peeps just plain "got it." We didn't have to explain it. It was just understood. No judgement. No debate. No obligation. No play happy. And when I left them, I just fuckin hated it.

My mom might read this so I wanna say this has nuttin to do with her. But ya know, adoption sux. I don't know how it could have been any different tho. As many of us discussed it's the secrecy factor that has fucked everything up. It has nothing to do with adoptive parents or even birth parents when it all comes down to it. Everyone's got issues....no doubt. Everyone has shit to deal with in life so I'm not saying adoptees have it worse. I'm just saying this secrecy thing is fuckin bullshit. THAT's what is fucked up.

Fuck it....where's that bourbon? Time to wake up to a new day.

Ebbs and Flows

I often wonder if the tide ebbs and flows more drastically for us fish people (Pisces).

So much to write, so little desire to.

I'm living the wrong life.

Freakin' SUCKER PUNCHED!

How FUCKED up is this? So I spent an incredible couple of days in New Orleans for the Adoptees Rights Demonstration.....met soooooooo many simply wonderful people. Barely slept, spent tons of time (and money) on Bourbon Street listening to some freakin amazing bands....the whole event was just incredible. I had feared that I would struggle being around so many adoptees (as I’ve never been in the company of many that are my peeps).....but it was very cool....fun, joyous, healing, laughter, dancing, hugs, warm fuzzies all around. I met so many that I had “known” simply by their blogs and internet forums and IMMEDIATELY connected! Fucking blew my mind! Like we’d all been family forever (which, actually is true).

So, after this incredible experience the time came to return home. Michelle and I shared a cab to the airport and hung out a bit before my flight. (Note...I’m still taking all this in stride at this point...nothing really emotional) Then the time came for me to board. Michelle and I hugged and WHAMMMM!!!!!!!! Out of fuckin left/right/outside the ballpark it hit me.....a HUGE well of emotion just snuck up on me fuckin knocked me out! Sucker punched like never before. WTF is this, I thought? (am I using the word fuck too much? fuck it...it worx and is quite appropriate for the moment...besides I like that word!)

So I go into the restroom and my insides are freakin shakin, my heart pounding, my eyes swollen....nice...and now I have to get on a plane full of people that just DON”T FUCKIN GET IT! Motherfucker! I’m usually a calm, peaceful type but this is fuckin bullshit. Adoption is SOOOOOOOO fucked up! I didn’t “think” myself into this emotion...it just took my ass and laid me out blind sided. fucker!

I’m sittin on the plane tryin everything in my peaceful, self-help, yoga inspired meditative skills to calm down. Yet no matter what I do the liquid decides to run from my eyes....just fuckin great! “No...I’m fine....just allergic to planes...” yeah...fuck em....sunglasses will help.

Why the FUCK didn’t this happen this morning or last night (especially when I was drunk?) when I was surrounded by those who would understand and help me thru. fuck, fuck, fuckin motherfucker! Thank GAWD for text messaging and for Stewie still being available. At least helped pacify me and let me accept that this is a common/normal experience. How fuckin unfair what you just did and are still doing to me Mr/Ms Universe!!

So what to do....i’m stuck on a plane. fucker. hmm...iPod with LOUD fuckin rock might help. And just guess what the first song is that comes up...Rise Above This by Seether. Very FUCKIN funny! Thank you VERY fuckin much AGAIN Mr/Ms Universe. Is this “Fuck with KT Day” or sumthin? Gawddammit! I work every second of my life to improve, grow, rise above but this is just un-FUCKING-fair.

Maybe it was the rock music from my iPod but suddenly the emotion turned angry (I know...you would’ve never guessed that, right? LOL) So now I’m on plane thousands of feet above the Earth, full of emotion, welled up eyes, bull-fucking-frog in my throat and suddenly Mr. Anger shows up. Just fucking lovely.

Land in Charlotte, NC and walking to connecting flight. Just want SOOOO badly to scream out “Emotional, PISSED OFF adoptee coming through. Get the FUCK outta my way!” yeah, i’m peaceful alright. Sheesh.

Double Expresso at Starbucks might help. LOL

Stewie and Kali are still in New Orleans and asked me to call which was cool....so good to have others that “get it” to talk to....priceless. In fact I’m thinkin we need a commune of sort for adoptees only to live so we can be surrounded by support. Cuz the whole bitch about this is while this is/was happening inside I couldn’t vent it. I know what to do to vent it out....I have a number of ways...but NOOOOO it happens when I can’t vent and makes me wait. I guess when I finally get to Hburg and close the door to my truck for the 1hr 15min drive home, Mr. Fugly Cry will be waiting for me. Yes, you heard it....a 40 yr old guy cries...and it’s quite Fugly when it happens (yet rare that it happens). Then of course SOMETHING has to receive the energy....it’s gotta transfer into something. I can’t channel it into the drums when i’m driving and my kit is 70 miles away. Gawd help the poor mofo that might cut me off or pull out in front of me. LOL

Text messaging is helpful but not a replacement for the energy and response from someone who really understands. But thankfully I have some peeps now to at least contact and get an answer for “WTF is going on with me?”

There’s a song brewin...I’ve been feeling it for several months but it hasn’t showed up yet. It’s an angry rock song....maybe this will at least bring it out cuz I damn sure need it to vent out.

FUCK!!!!

Adoptee Rights Demonstration

Haven't been able to get back to writing....maybe some time again.

Still considering attending this...but not sure.

http://adopteerights.net/nulliusfilius/

namaste.

truth....IS there an answer?

I'm reading "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose" by Eckhart Tolle and I thought I might share a wonderful passage that I read this morning.

-- In Zen they say: "Don't seek the truth. Just cease to cherish opinions." What does that mean? Let go of identification with your mind. Who you are behind the mind then emerges by itself.--

This is rattling me to no end....and by what this book is conveying, that rattling is my ego holding on to what it knows and what it wants. As an adoptee, our search is a search for truth. But now, from reading this, I cannot help but ask my-self what I am to do now? The statement above makes sooooooooo much sense and I understand it logically. Yet then is my holding onto my desire for truth (my search) then holding me back from "BEING?" Is there a difference between a person (or a spirit) that knows their roots and a person who does not being able to just "be?" Can an adoptee that does not know their roots just "be?" Is it the ego (as this book so eloquently describes) then that is interfering and keeping us from having peace, joy and happiness? Or is this a primordial characteristic that we have?

This has honestly got me stuck.....I don't even know where to search for an answer! If I look within for the answer, if I listen, the answer remains that we adoptees must know before true peace is achieved at heart. So, the question remains.....is that the ego creating that condition? Is that the self-talk? The mind babble? What IS the answer? IS there an answer?

Eckhart and Oprah - A New Earth

First, thank you Oprah and Eckhart! The message that you are bringing to the world at large is simply wonderful and the collective energy will surely rise.

Second, to everyone "complaining...," 242 Gbps traveled through the internet last night....all across the world! That's incredible! And has not been done before. Regardless of the issues some may have experienced (as I did), this has pushed the envelope for the tech industry and will have an effect on SOOOO much more of how our world is connected.


Has anyone stopped to reflect that this is (as far as I know) the first time in our planet's history that a message has been communicated to a significantly large portion of the population of the WORLD at the same moment? There have been great teachings all across our world by a number of great teachers throughout the planet's history but they've all been limited to "group size" at that moment of presenting their message. I'm not sure if I am describing this well enough but the collective effect of this is beyond scope. This was a positive message for the greater good of humanity that was delivered ALL ACROSS the world at the same moment by messengers....not interpreted or redistributed by others and passed on thus possibly experiencing the he said/she said effect.


This was undeniably a HUGE advancement in our world culture and I am just so thankful to have been apart of it, to been aware of it and to be excited about what may come of it! It's as if we were working towards awareness that we ARE ONE and OF the Earth.


Thank you!!


namaste.

In your court

So, here I am approaching that day once again....are you reading this? It surely wouldn't be difficult to find this. A simple Google search of the name you were informed that I was given. This will be only the 10th actual day since we were separated. 10 days. 40 years.

I've spent the past year reading, viewing, applying and trying to grow self. I've been in a personal coaching program since September. I've read more books than I did in my entire school education (grade and college). What has it done for me? I just don't know anymore. The more I've learned, the more I've "grown", the more I've found peace and grace within.....the more distance has been created between everything else.....everything. So has it been worth it? I just don't have an answer.

My studio is being finished. Certainly a present to myself. I'll get a post or picture blog going here soon to show the progress. It's actually so very exciting and a cool thing about it is a fellow artist is who is doing the work so he "gets it" when I describe what I'm trying to create with the room. LOL....at least someone doesn't think I'm crazy....or maybe he's just as crazy! Quite possibly both. Regardless, it's been a welcomed distraction to focus on this creative space...to visualize....to dream. I can see the whole room finished already....have for some time. And to have someone who "gets it" be the one who also is building it, helping to create it is a wonderful energy that is being created already in that space. Just as a cake made with pure, unconditional love tastes so much better than one purchased at a store.

The plan is to head to the mountains this evening and get the camp ready (warm) for the wife and kids to arrive tomorrow. We'll spend the weekend there. Not sure what we'll do. No video games, no internet, no others. I hope it warms up enough to take a walk in the woods....does wonders for the soul.

As anyone who knows me we tell, this time of year has always been a struggle. 6 months ago I decided that I would view this year different. Utilizing this now known of and recognized Law Of Attraction I would create what I wanted. I had planned on throwing myself a big celebration. As I put it, "kick the door down into the 40's" instead of loathe that they arrived. I've heard so often that the 40's are great so why not hit them square between the eyes to start off. I put all these goals out, visualized them, believed them, felt them.....just as all this LOA schtuff claims. I wanted to release my first album at the big celebration that I would throw on Feb 29th and looked forward to giving out a copy to everyone.

What happened?

No album.

No celebration.

No kicking the door.

Hope, belief, desire, wishes, dreams....notta.

Change? Yes. But none of which I wanted. So by the explanations of everyone, somehow this LOA gave me what I asked for...yet I didn't ask for what I now have...I've received the absolute opposite of what I attempted to attract into my life. And even I cannot figure out why.

Maybe there's some primal, universal, cosmic reason....for the life of me I cannot figure out what it is or why it is. I believe everything comes to us to teach us lessons. What is this lesson? I cannot find the positive in it even though I've looked inside every corner of this lesson to find it.

So the ball remains in your court. I'm flush out of ideas. Out of game plan. No power bars or gatorade left on the bench to refuel the player. No more motivational speeches from the coach to get me back in the game. All you have to do is one simple move......

Answer.

"Something's Missing" - John Mayer

I'm not alone, I wish I was.
Cause then I'd know, I was down because
I couldn't find, a friend around
To love me like, they do right now.
They do right now.

I'm dizzy from the shopping malls
I searched for joy, but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

When autumn comes, it doesnt ask.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart:

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
Something's different
And i don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is

2-14-08 iMix

Music is the energy of the universe...

And, of course, Apple knows how to connect.

My first iMix.

http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewIMix?id=274170483

When to teach a lesson

It seems that somehow when kids turn 10 years of age (boys at least in my case) they completely lose their brains. My oldest son is 10 and I'm not just "parent bragging" this kid is smart....very sharp indeed (must get it from his mother....LOL). Yet for as sharp as he is it has become increasingly more difficult for him to USE his brain talent!

Case in point this morning. It is Valentine's Day and the past 2 days school has been closed due to weather (we finally got some snow here in Central PA). I got the kids their Valentine's to give to their classmates on Monday evening when I got the groceries. They sat down on Tuesday with their mom and filled out all the cards, placed them in a bag and put them in their backpacks so that they would remember to take them to school. All set, right?

Well, this morning about a couple minutes after the kids got on the bus for school, as I was picking up the house and folding the blankets, etc in the living room (my family has been home for 2 days....the house is near totaled!) I noticed a plastic bag on the rocking chair RIGHT NEXT to the front door where the kids wait for the bus. Sure enough it was his bag of Valentine's that WAS in his backpack. For some unknown reason he removed it from his backpack and set it on the chair....where it remained.

So what does one do at this point? As a father of a 10 year old son who is consistently "forgetting" things, I wonder if this is an opportune time to teach a lesson.....responsibility for one's own stuff! It's not "my" fault that he left them on the chair. If I wasn't a stay-at-home, work-from-home dad and had (as many like to refer to it) a "real job," (yuk) then he'd be SOL. Do they rely on me too much and thus not take enough responsibility? Is it the "daddy's home, he'll take care of it" or "daddy's the safety net for me screwing up"...?? I pondered if this is that moment when that hard lesson could be learned. He'd be sitting in class, the teacher declares it time to pass out everyone's Valentine's, he goes to his backpack (which btw he has already removed his books from and STILL didn't notice anything missing) and suddenly realizes he doesn't have his to exchange. How would he feel if he couldn't give? I can imagine I would feel like such a heal that I was receiving and not giving simply because I left my brain in bed this morning. To top it off, he couldn't even give them tomorrow...or even Monday....it would be next Tuesday before he could exchange them as there is a Winter Break this weekend. So....what does one do in this situation? Teach a lesson or bail them out? Decisions, decisions....

So what did I do, you ask?

LOL....I'm weak! I got in the truck and drove out to his school to deliver them. Did I miss an opportunity to teach a lesson? Maybe.

One could choose to look at this in different ways. I'm choosing to view it as I'm thankful that I have situated my life that I have the ability to serve my family when in need. Maybe the lesson I was able to teach today was one of giving. That I didn't scold him or criticize him for forgetting. That I taught him the lesson of serving ones children.....serving one's family.

I think so.

Quote's..

Some interesting quote's that have seemed to find me today.

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds...
- Einstein

To be conscious that we are perceiving or thinking is to be conscious of our own existence.
- Aristotle

Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.
- Confucius

The better part of one's life consists of his friendships.
-Abraham Lincoln

And today's horoscope -
You don't have to live a double life just because your sign is symbolized by two fish. Your interests are so varied that others may have a hard time keeping up with you. No matter what you appear to be doing, your real focus now should be on your inner world as you explore uncharted areas of your imagination.

The Passing of a Friend

I've been tossing over in bed for the past 45 minutes so I finally gave in to the force that was trying to get me out of bed at 4:45am on a Monday morning. That and the song "Shed a Little Light" by James Taylor (on his Copperline album...fantastic album, btw...check it out) had been playing over and over in my mind. Ok, Ok...I give....I'll get to the keyboard! (of course, anyone who has dogs knows that once you even give off the "vibe" that you are awake, they are right there as if to say "where we goin? Let's go!"

This past Friday morning, January 4, 2008 at around 10:30am, a very dear friend of ours passed away. He died one day before his 86th birthday. Abbie (full name Albert Farrell....most knew him as Abbie or Ab) was such a wonderful, kind-hearted man and (as my wife remarked) we highly doubt there was a "mean bone" in his body or even any type of negative thought or expression. The man always had a smile (even after his hip replacement surgery) and never did I hear him talk badly about someone or even about some thing. Just a remarkable person.

We moved into this house (our first purchased home, that is) in July of 2001 when our youngest son was only 6 months old. Abbie and Annie (his wife) were the first to greet and welcome us. I can remember his smile that day and his genuine welcome to our family as being new neighbors. Each day as we were moving in and for many, many days thereafter we would return a wave and greeting...most times as he was on his way to his woodshop or on his way back into the house calling it a day. Not long after we moved in, we started noticing Annie would tell us the same story and sometimes everyday as if we'd never heard it before and we commented that something just seemed wrong. It wasn't long until we heard that Annie had developed Alzheimer's Disease and Abby had to place her in a home where she could receive the care and attention needed. I don't recall the exact number of years they were married but I'm pretty sure is was in the 50+ range. How incredibly difficult it had to be to spend that many years with a person and for them to end up not knowing who you are. Yet, near everyday he could, he went to visit her and spend time with her. All the while, still returning to his woodshop each day....surely his sacred place. After her passing, it was a while before we saw him back in his shop. He said once that he just didn't feel like doing it much anymore. We were very glad to see one day that changed and again he returned to his place....he later told me that he didn't know how he would've got through losing her without his shop and his work.

Not long after we moved in, Abbie gave me a handful of cassettes after learning that I was a musician and performing in the local venues. I graciously accepted them and gave a listen. It was classic jazz with guitar. At one point I realized it was Ab playing guitar. And then he would tell me different stories of how he performed with local players back in the 50's & 60's. He was telling me stories of players and some of their experiences and I realized I was living those stories in my era. Every now and then I would be outside and would hear him picking away at his guitar and/or mandolin. So cool, I thought, that he finds solace in music still at this age and continues to be active instead of just sitting in front of the "plug-in drug" all the time.

One of the first times I visited inside his woodshop I was just utterly amazed. A modest sized garage full of woodcarving and cutting machines, handsaws and hundreds of hand tools and the smell of woodshavings that lay on the floor. Excitedly (and rightfully proud) he showed me around and I admired the rare hand-craftsmanship of kids rocking chairs, regular chairs, wooden train sets (which he so graciously gave a set to each of my sons), wooden jeeps, napkin holders and many repairs of precious furniture that folks would bring to him in need of repair. Words cannot truly justify the beauty and precision of which this man carved wood. Wheels for the trains and jeeps were not just round enough, they were PERFECT! They were not purchased from a factory stock either, these were genuinely carved by Ab.

At different times, I would go over with some small repair and so effortlessly Abby would fix it right up. When my oldest son joined Cub Scouts and we were building our first Pinewood Derby car, we asked Ab if he could cut out the design from the block and show my son how these machines and tools performed. I remember Zachary saying something to the sort of, "Wow. Ab sure is good with wood!" Yes, he was.

Each day he'd be in his shop carving, fixing, sanding. Standing or sitting at his workbench in front of a large window that looked out across his backyard and mine. Although we had 2 dogs, a fenced in backyard and live in a very safe area, it was still a comfort to know that a set of eyes were keeping watch over the kids as they would play in the yard. And he would regularly comment on how he enjoyed watching the kids (and dogs) play while he worked and was thankful that our dogs noticed when someone would pull into his driveway or drop by a new repair or pickup. Abbie's hearing had deteriorated over the years so our dogs would "notify" him of someone's arrival.

When I was growing up, I recall my parents lending a hand to neighbors and them returning the same when we were in need. Someone helping dad fix the water heater or mom giving haircuts. A wonderful lesson learned without actually knowing it. So when it snowed and I was out plowing, I didn't even think about it and plowed out Ab's drive along with mine (and whomever else needed). When we lived in the old farm house, our Mennonite neighbor would just show up and dig out our long lane. I would offer to compensate and one time even asked his wife if I could pay her for his kindness. She too denied simply saying, "We're just glad to have great neighbors." Hmm. For about the first year or so Ab would always try to pay me to which I of course denied and without even thinking about it said, "That's what neighbors do." No reason, just because. We weren't "trading time or favors." This is just what we do. Period.

As my 2 sons continued to grow, I cannot begin to explain the life lessons they have learned having Abbie as a neighbor. They saw the kind respect and help we offered each other as well as simply learning to communicate with someone 75 years their senior. How many kids today do you know that will even talk to anyone 10 years different of their age. There's so much one can learn from another.

Several years ago we noticed Abbie having more and more trouble walking. Every morning as the kids were waiting to get the bus we see Ab walk across the street using his cane more and more to assist him in fetching the morning paper. He finally decided to talk advantage of modern medicine and we learned that he would get his hip replaced. So we started retrieving his morning paper and placing it inside his front door each morning and he would place the previous days paper there for us to take. And we started taking care of his yardwork....again, it was just something you do. It wasn't something we thought about. I enjoy cutting grass. Somedays I would go cut the grass at our camp, come home cut Ab's grass and then cut ours. When we were without our mower for a time while it was repaired, Abby made sure we used his...even purchasing a new one when his broke (while I was using it too!). Our kids would help out doing what they could but more importantly they were learning to be neighbors and learning lessons that one cannot just teach or "tell" a child.....life lessons.

There are so many memories....as I'm sure many experience in these similar situations. This Christmas was the last we actually saw Ab. He stopped over bringing presents for the kids (Rubik's cubes which they loved!) and visited for a while. We, as most parents, were running around trying to get things ready for the day of travel and visiting with families but we were glad to have visited and felt bad for not being able to visit longer. But we're thankful that we spent the time we did.

New Year's Eve morning, around maybe 8am or so we received a call from our neighbor a couple doors down asking if we knew what happened to Abbie. What? We said. Somehow, I missed the ambulance as I had just set out the garbage for pick-up and apparently was in the basement when it arrived to pick him up. We made some calls and found he had called 911, his friend Virginia and his son Ben. He was going to get an earful from us for not calling us as we would've been over to wait with him but apparently by the time he made those couple calls, the ambulance was already there.

It turned out he had experienced a heart attack and was in quite a bit of pain. They sent him to Harrisburg and he had a couple stints put in. Funny story and typical Abbie....apparently on the way to the hospital, the EMT asked him "on a scale from 1-10, where does the pain rank?" Well, Abbie told Marcene later, "My first thought was to tell her 13....but I didn't want to scare her." LOL Just like Abbie to think of others even at a time of extreme pain. Such a lesson there.

I believe it was Thursday the 4th that we received a called from Ben (Abbie's son) letting us know that it looked like Abbie would be home on Saturday....and Saturday was his birthday (he'd be 86). We were a bit surprised that he would be home that soon but nonetheless began to think of celebrating his birthday. Unfortunately and to our shocking surprise, on Friday morning about noon time I received a call from Marcene stating Abbie had passed away that morning around 10:30am. I guess they moved him to a different area (typical procedure) after he showed improvement but his kidney's began to fail after being removed from the machine and soon after his heart just wasn't strong enough and he passed away.

My heart literally sunk. It was an odd feeling and that lump in my throat came quick. I sat there in disbelief. It never crossed our minds that we wouldn't see him again. We felt just as if we had lost a member of our family....and we did. We weren't "related" in the current definition of that but as I believe, we are all one and we had become close to Abbie over the past several years checking in on him and helping him in any way we could....because that's just what you do.

The viewing was on Sunday night and we decided this would be something our kids should experience. They had taken it fairly hard...both crying for a bit....as Abbie was a sort of grandpap to them too. So we thought it would be a good thing for them to be able to visit the family and say goodbye to Abbie.

Viewings are weird vibes for me. I stood in line and could fell the uneasy-ness of the room. Sadness and meant well happiness of stories told....people think they should be strong or want to express their feelings and are not sure how....ugh....such a mixed up vibe in the room. It overwhelmed me a bit and when it was finally our turn in line, we just all cried as we hugged Ben and Marcene. We felt almost as if we were his kids too....I mean no disrespect saying that but it was just what we felt and it was actually an honor to be referred to as "family." We never really thought of it that way...we just thought of being good neighbors and friends.

The funeral was nice. Reverend Longfield had been a friend of Abbie's for a long time spending time with him at his house telling stories, playing guitar and planning out a custom built mandolin. I can't imagine how a reverend can do that for a friend but then I imagine it too is sort of an honor for a friend to carry out the service. I hadn't felt that lump in my throat or cried over a loss since losing Jamie back in 1991. Whew....

It's been almost a week now since Abbie's funeral....Ben and Marcene have been cleaning out the house, going through things and giving away items to those who want. We didn't realize how much Abbie had given us over the years of the wooden items he made....children's rocking chairs, children's little table chairs, the little recipe holder duck "thing", a circular lazy susan type thing that holds the salt and pepper, etc, the napkin holder that looks like a ships mast, each of the boys received trains (amazing craftsmanship on those things), the step stool that I sit on to put on my shoes in the basement and I'm sure there's other's that I'm forgetting. So giving he was.

It's difficult to explain how we just didn't realize how much of a friend we had living next door. We simply helped "because." But we were helping a friend and he was helping us. Neither of us really realizing it at the time (well, meaning we didn't consciously "think" that we were helping, we were just doing). The lessons he taught our boys are ones that you cannot describe but they are many. The lessons in kindness that he taught us too are life lessons. But isn't it interesting that we don't realize these things as we are experiencing them. So caught up in our own day to day lives...rarely slowing down to take a look around and be grateful.

When I moved here, I would never have guessed that I would've made such friends with a man twice my age. Now that I have experienced it, I've realized that the age had no factor in it....age is something we have created a label for. The body does lose it's energy but this notion of age groups being separate is ridiculous. I must also admit that all too often I asked why I was living here....why had my path put me here. So often frustrated with the area and the people here. Never did I feel that with Abbie. And now I know "why" my path brought me here....simply to learn these lessons.

Thanks, Abbie. Your friendship is cherished. May you be at peace. As Gandolf said, "This is not the end. Death is just another path. A path we all must take."

namaste, my friend.