Lucky You - promotional video

Hey all....please check out the promo video we recently produced...pass it on, post it to your blogs, do what-eva you want with it...thanks for the support!

Link out to our site - http://luckyyou.me

blah, yadda, blah

I've been doing quite well since the trip home. Guess it was bound to crash back down. hmmm...how did I attract this?

In the past, my cycle was get involved, get too involved, get depressed, pull back. Damn I hated that. So, I don't wanna do that this time. I would run for that train to take me underground and hide out till the coast was clear. i'm just so tired of that. So interesting how I've been "preaching" to learn to live with and love thyself before love will find you....hmmmm....was quite lovin' myself until this evening. WTF?

So, what to do what to do. Ah yes, BOURBON! LOL Mr. Beam never lets me down in times like these. Helps me forget the present and wake up to a new day.

If only it could be Bourbon St. That was so much fun. Life is supposed to be that way, no doubt.

I've written a bunch of stuff since I returned. The night after I got back I was up till after 3am writing a song that just needed written...but I came up against block and had to stop. Thankfully Ryan heard some other parts and it'll move forward after today.

The other stuff...well, it's just writing ya know....it may show up somewhere. It's been an emotional rollercoaster. The week being capped off by Ryan jumping in to the new project so it's now official. Saturday morning while reading his email (which included a song he and Todd had worked on then used my words for lyrics) I just cried....simply cried. I've dreamed about an opportunity like this since I was 4 years old. I have no idea why. I just remember dreaming of being on a big stage, performing music and making people happy....."to forget about life for awhile." Thank you Jimmy.

So there's no real point to this post. Just babble. Hours of yard work today just kinda pissed me off. No reason really. Just because. It needed done. I know that. But, I'm just so tired of doing it. Time for a change. Would love to throw a dart at a map but I'm so very much looking forward to this new band.....we've got so many stars and planets in alignment it's scary.

So very fortunate to be able to follow my bliss. Music is without a doubt my muse. Whether listening, writing, arranging, recording, performing or discussing....it gets me through. Thank you Joseph Campbell. You and my high school band director as well as my college jazz band director simply saved my life. Period.

Why does society make everyone think they have to do this or that? Why does society scare people into not listening to their hearts? I'm SOOOOOO sick of feeling obligated....fuck that. I'm so ready to just be me. I kinda like me. But the more I'm me, the more fucked up it gets. But I can't turn back.

I tried to process that whole sucker punch episode.....and ya know what I've realized? That was the first time in my entire life that I was able to BE me....and those peeps just plain "got it." We didn't have to explain it. It was just understood. No judgement. No debate. No obligation. No play happy. And when I left them, I just fuckin hated it.

My mom might read this so I wanna say this has nuttin to do with her. But ya know, adoption sux. I don't know how it could have been any different tho. As many of us discussed it's the secrecy factor that has fucked everything up. It has nothing to do with adoptive parents or even birth parents when it all comes down to it. Everyone's got issues....no doubt. Everyone has shit to deal with in life so I'm not saying adoptees have it worse. I'm just saying this secrecy thing is fuckin bullshit. THAT's what is fucked up.

Fuck it....where's that bourbon? Time to wake up to a new day.

Ebbs and Flows

I often wonder if the tide ebbs and flows more drastically for us fish people (Pisces).

So much to write, so little desire to.

I'm living the wrong life.

Freakin' SUCKER PUNCHED!

How FUCKED up is this? So I spent an incredible couple of days in New Orleans for the Adoptees Rights Demonstration.....met soooooooo many simply wonderful people. Barely slept, spent tons of time (and money) on Bourbon Street listening to some freakin amazing bands....the whole event was just incredible. I had feared that I would struggle being around so many adoptees (as I’ve never been in the company of many that are my peeps).....but it was very cool....fun, joyous, healing, laughter, dancing, hugs, warm fuzzies all around. I met so many that I had “known” simply by their blogs and internet forums and IMMEDIATELY connected! Fucking blew my mind! Like we’d all been family forever (which, actually is true).

So, after this incredible experience the time came to return home. Michelle and I shared a cab to the airport and hung out a bit before my flight. (Note...I’m still taking all this in stride at this point...nothing really emotional) Then the time came for me to board. Michelle and I hugged and WHAMMMM!!!!!!!! Out of fuckin left/right/outside the ballpark it hit me.....a HUGE well of emotion just snuck up on me fuckin knocked me out! Sucker punched like never before. WTF is this, I thought? (am I using the word fuck too much? fuck it...it worx and is quite appropriate for the moment...besides I like that word!)

So I go into the restroom and my insides are freakin shakin, my heart pounding, my eyes swollen....nice...and now I have to get on a plane full of people that just DON”T FUCKIN GET IT! Motherfucker! I’m usually a calm, peaceful type but this is fuckin bullshit. Adoption is SOOOOOOOO fucked up! I didn’t “think” myself into this emotion...it just took my ass and laid me out blind sided. fucker!

I’m sittin on the plane tryin everything in my peaceful, self-help, yoga inspired meditative skills to calm down. Yet no matter what I do the liquid decides to run from my eyes....just fuckin great! “No...I’m fine....just allergic to planes...” yeah...fuck em....sunglasses will help.

Why the FUCK didn’t this happen this morning or last night (especially when I was drunk?) when I was surrounded by those who would understand and help me thru. fuck, fuck, fuckin motherfucker! Thank GAWD for text messaging and for Stewie still being available. At least helped pacify me and let me accept that this is a common/normal experience. How fuckin unfair what you just did and are still doing to me Mr/Ms Universe!!

So what to do....i’m stuck on a plane. fucker. hmm...iPod with LOUD fuckin rock might help. And just guess what the first song is that comes up...Rise Above This by Seether. Very FUCKIN funny! Thank you VERY fuckin much AGAIN Mr/Ms Universe. Is this “Fuck with KT Day” or sumthin? Gawddammit! I work every second of my life to improve, grow, rise above but this is just un-FUCKING-fair.

Maybe it was the rock music from my iPod but suddenly the emotion turned angry (I know...you would’ve never guessed that, right? LOL) So now I’m on plane thousands of feet above the Earth, full of emotion, welled up eyes, bull-fucking-frog in my throat and suddenly Mr. Anger shows up. Just fucking lovely.

Land in Charlotte, NC and walking to connecting flight. Just want SOOOO badly to scream out “Emotional, PISSED OFF adoptee coming through. Get the FUCK outta my way!” yeah, i’m peaceful alright. Sheesh.

Double Expresso at Starbucks might help. LOL

Stewie and Kali are still in New Orleans and asked me to call which was cool....so good to have others that “get it” to talk to....priceless. In fact I’m thinkin we need a commune of sort for adoptees only to live so we can be surrounded by support. Cuz the whole bitch about this is while this is/was happening inside I couldn’t vent it. I know what to do to vent it out....I have a number of ways...but NOOOOO it happens when I can’t vent and makes me wait. I guess when I finally get to Hburg and close the door to my truck for the 1hr 15min drive home, Mr. Fugly Cry will be waiting for me. Yes, you heard it....a 40 yr old guy cries...and it’s quite Fugly when it happens (yet rare that it happens). Then of course SOMETHING has to receive the energy....it’s gotta transfer into something. I can’t channel it into the drums when i’m driving and my kit is 70 miles away. Gawd help the poor mofo that might cut me off or pull out in front of me. LOL

Text messaging is helpful but not a replacement for the energy and response from someone who really understands. But thankfully I have some peeps now to at least contact and get an answer for “WTF is going on with me?”

There’s a song brewin...I’ve been feeling it for several months but it hasn’t showed up yet. It’s an angry rock song....maybe this will at least bring it out cuz I damn sure need it to vent out.

FUCK!!!!

Adoptee Rights Demonstration

Haven't been able to get back to writing....maybe some time again.

Still considering attending this...but not sure.

http://adopteerights.net/nulliusfilius/

namaste.

truth....IS there an answer?

I'm reading "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose" by Eckhart Tolle and I thought I might share a wonderful passage that I read this morning.

-- In Zen they say: "Don't seek the truth. Just cease to cherish opinions." What does that mean? Let go of identification with your mind. Who you are behind the mind then emerges by itself.--

This is rattling me to no end....and by what this book is conveying, that rattling is my ego holding on to what it knows and what it wants. As an adoptee, our search is a search for truth. But now, from reading this, I cannot help but ask my-self what I am to do now? The statement above makes sooooooooo much sense and I understand it logically. Yet then is my holding onto my desire for truth (my search) then holding me back from "BEING?" Is there a difference between a person (or a spirit) that knows their roots and a person who does not being able to just "be?" Can an adoptee that does not know their roots just "be?" Is it the ego (as this book so eloquently describes) then that is interfering and keeping us from having peace, joy and happiness? Or is this a primordial characteristic that we have?

This has honestly got me stuck.....I don't even know where to search for an answer! If I look within for the answer, if I listen, the answer remains that we adoptees must know before true peace is achieved at heart. So, the question remains.....is that the ego creating that condition? Is that the self-talk? The mind babble? What IS the answer? IS there an answer?

Eckhart and Oprah - A New Earth

First, thank you Oprah and Eckhart! The message that you are bringing to the world at large is simply wonderful and the collective energy will surely rise.

Second, to everyone "complaining...," 242 Gbps traveled through the internet last night....all across the world! That's incredible! And has not been done before. Regardless of the issues some may have experienced (as I did), this has pushed the envelope for the tech industry and will have an effect on SOOOO much more of how our world is connected.


Has anyone stopped to reflect that this is (as far as I know) the first time in our planet's history that a message has been communicated to a significantly large portion of the population of the WORLD at the same moment? There have been great teachings all across our world by a number of great teachers throughout the planet's history but they've all been limited to "group size" at that moment of presenting their message. I'm not sure if I am describing this well enough but the collective effect of this is beyond scope. This was a positive message for the greater good of humanity that was delivered ALL ACROSS the world at the same moment by messengers....not interpreted or redistributed by others and passed on thus possibly experiencing the he said/she said effect.


This was undeniably a HUGE advancement in our world culture and I am just so thankful to have been apart of it, to been aware of it and to be excited about what may come of it! It's as if we were working towards awareness that we ARE ONE and OF the Earth.


Thank you!!


namaste.