How FUCKED up is this? So I spent an incredible couple of days in New Orleans for the Adoptees Rights Demonstration.....met soooooooo many simply wonderful people. Barely slept, spent tons of time (and money) on Bourbon Street listening to some freakin amazing bands....the whole event was just incredible. I had feared that I would struggle being around so many adoptees (as I’ve never been in the company of many that are my peeps).....but it was very cool....fun, joyous, healing, laughter, dancing, hugs, warm fuzzies all around. I met so many that I had “known” simply by their blogs and internet forums and IMMEDIATELY connected! Fucking blew my mind! Like we’d all been family forever (which, actually is true).
So, after this incredible experience the time came to return home. Michelle and I shared a cab to the airport and hung out a bit before my flight. (Note...I’m still taking all this in stride at this point...nothing really emotional) Then the time came for me to board. Michelle and I hugged and WHAMMMM!!!!!!!! Out of fuckin left/right/outside the ballpark it hit me.....a HUGE well of emotion just snuck up on me fuckin knocked me out! Sucker punched like never before. WTF is this, I thought? (am I using the word fuck too much? fuck it...it worx and is quite appropriate for the moment...besides I like that word!)
So I go into the restroom and my insides are freakin shakin, my heart pounding, my eyes swollen....nice...and now I have to get on a plane full of people that just DON”T FUCKIN GET IT! Motherfucker! I’m usually a calm, peaceful type but this is fuckin bullshit. Adoption is SOOOOOOOO fucked up! I didn’t “think” myself into this emotion...it just took my ass and laid me out blind sided. fucker!
I’m sittin on the plane tryin everything in my peaceful, self-help, yoga inspired meditative skills to calm down. Yet no matter what I do the liquid decides to run from my eyes....just fuckin great! “No...I’m fine....just allergic to planes...” yeah...fuck em....sunglasses will help.
Why the FUCK didn’t this happen this morning or last night (especially when I was drunk?) when I was surrounded by those who would understand and help me thru. fuck, fuck, fuckin motherfucker! Thank GAWD for text messaging and for Stewie still being available. At least helped pacify me and let me accept that this is a common/normal experience. How fuckin unfair what you just did and are still doing to me Mr/Ms Universe!!
So what to do....i’m stuck on a plane. fucker. hmm...iPod with LOUD fuckin rock might help. And just guess what the first song is that comes up...Rise Above This by Seether. Very FUCKIN funny! Thank you VERY fuckin much AGAIN Mr/Ms Universe. Is this “Fuck with KT Day” or sumthin? Gawddammit! I work every second of my life to improve, grow, rise above but this is just un-FUCKING-fair.
Maybe it was the rock music from my iPod but suddenly the emotion turned angry (I know...you would’ve never guessed that, right? LOL) So now I’m on plane thousands of feet above the Earth, full of emotion, welled up eyes, bull-fucking-frog in my throat and suddenly Mr. Anger shows up. Just fucking lovely.
Land in Charlotte, NC and walking to connecting flight. Just want SOOOO badly to scream out “Emotional, PISSED OFF adoptee coming through. Get the FUCK outta my way!” yeah, i’m peaceful alright. Sheesh.
Double Expresso at Starbucks might help. LOL
Stewie and Kali are still in New Orleans and asked me to call which was cool....so good to have others that “get it” to talk to....priceless. In fact I’m thinkin we need a commune of sort for adoptees only to live so we can be surrounded by support. Cuz the whole bitch about this is while this is/was happening inside I couldn’t vent it. I know what to do to vent it out....I have a number of ways...but NOOOOO it happens when I can’t vent and makes me wait. I guess when I finally get to Hburg and close the door to my truck for the 1hr 15min drive home, Mr. Fugly Cry will be waiting for me. Yes, you heard it....a 40 yr old guy cries...and it’s quite Fugly when it happens (yet rare that it happens). Then of course SOMETHING has to receive the energy....it’s gotta transfer into something. I can’t channel it into the drums when i’m driving and my kit is 70 miles away. Gawd help the poor mofo that might cut me off or pull out in front of me. LOL
Text messaging is helpful but not a replacement for the energy and response from someone who really understands. But thankfully I have some peeps now to at least contact and get an answer for “WTF is going on with me?”
There’s a song brewin...I’ve been feeling it for several months but it hasn’t showed up yet. It’s an angry rock song....maybe this will at least bring it out cuz I damn sure need it to vent out.
FUCK!!!!
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11 comments:
I so know what you're talking about. The first time I ever was around a group of our people it was exactly the same.
And the second.
And the third. And so on and so forth.
But you're right about the commune. I'll second that motion. Just as long as it's not a c'mon people now smile on your brother everybody get together back to the land type thing, because I need my Starbucks. And Peapod home delivery of groceries. And my internet.
We sooooo need to meet. I love ur posts and u r so awesome. Just landed in hburg and I just wanna explode!
It was one of the highlights out of so many highligts meeting you, you are a wonderful spirit, and I am just home catching up, hard to believe just last night we were dining at House of Blues.
big cyber hugs.
sorry, sorry about the hurt.
joyjoy
It was fantastic meeting you this weekend/week...you know I love you man! Instant connection is damn right...I can't wait to hear the song!
Fucking angry adoptees...on the move. We need bumperstickers so people won't drive anywhere near us!
My world was turned upside down on a train home today, so I know exactly how you feel.
Hugs & kisses Mr. 229, or 404 LOL
*raising hand* ahem, yeah, had one of those crying jags myself in the airport yesterday. Aaah, abandoned-baby-head rears itself yet again.
Glad we're all in it together...
((((Kevin))))
I'm sorry you were sucker punched by those dang emotions.
Joy and I said we need an adopté hotel and adopté bar and adopté sex shop - oops - went one to far there LOL.
We'll all see each other next year!
-dory
oh, Kevin, I remember when that first happened to me, it wasn't at a protest or an event with lots of adoptees, but a pro-adoption conference where a social worker screamed to an audience of paps that you NEVER NEVER change a child's identity and cut that child off from their roots! That was the first time I'd ever heard anything negative about adoption.
I went into some sort of shock - my legs were shaking and I could barely talk. I cried for weeks after that, but it was a meltdown and a so needed one at that. The new energy and awareness that arrived post-meltdown was fantastic.
I think many of us get triggered at different places by different people. When I first started practicing Buddhist meditation and chant and particpating in discussion groups, I had another major meltdown. But then I knew what was happening (sort of!). It was a release. Had to come out.
Please keep writing and sharing if it helps. Loved meeting you and so appreciate your creativity and enthusiasm.
oh my gosh, how does everyone else know about your blog but ME!!! I'm so in the dark!!!
I felt it too, I think we all did, its crazy really. We had so much validation without words, it just "was" when we were with eachother. All of us were accepted for US, it was so HEALING for me. Everyone "got" me without even having to "try" and then to leave that, and go back to un-adopted land was scary as hell.
I'm so sorry you were alone in that time. I'm glad we all have the internet and phones and IM to keep in touch until we meet again.
You guys all rock, seriously. Meeting you Kevin was inspirational, i want to be more compassionate and let go of the negetive. I am so happy to know you and call you a friend.
I am so loving you all more and more! This has truly been inspirational for me and life changing!
It is as if we are creating the family we all dreamed of....wow....that is strong!
(((((((Group Hug))))))))
I'm glad you posted something about the demostration because I couldn't find much. Did a little tribute to it on my blog on the day and when I couldn't find anything I was a little worried.
I had a very similar experience to yours visiting my son. He was working so I went to an art gallery. I was happy I wasn't thinking of some of the not so great things about losing him to adoption and then it suddenly occured to me I was going to have to go home - to the other end of the country - and the tears started flowing and I couldn't get them to stop. Fortunately there was a dark room with a video installation so I went and sat in there in the dark.
I agree with you completely, the first time I was with a group of (birth) mothers who understood without explanation, it was a good feeling.
It's long overdue that the system was changed - needs to be more like the UK where adoptees have an automatic right to information and OBC when they are 18.
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