blah, yadda, blah

I've been doing quite well since the trip home. Guess it was bound to crash back down. hmmm...how did I attract this?

In the past, my cycle was get involved, get too involved, get depressed, pull back. Damn I hated that. So, I don't wanna do that this time. I would run for that train to take me underground and hide out till the coast was clear. i'm just so tired of that. So interesting how I've been "preaching" to learn to live with and love thyself before love will find you....hmmmm....was quite lovin' myself until this evening. WTF?

So, what to do what to do. Ah yes, BOURBON! LOL Mr. Beam never lets me down in times like these. Helps me forget the present and wake up to a new day.

If only it could be Bourbon St. That was so much fun. Life is supposed to be that way, no doubt.

I've written a bunch of stuff since I returned. The night after I got back I was up till after 3am writing a song that just needed written...but I came up against block and had to stop. Thankfully Ryan heard some other parts and it'll move forward after today.

The other stuff...well, it's just writing ya know....it may show up somewhere. It's been an emotional rollercoaster. The week being capped off by Ryan jumping in to the new project so it's now official. Saturday morning while reading his email (which included a song he and Todd had worked on then used my words for lyrics) I just cried....simply cried. I've dreamed about an opportunity like this since I was 4 years old. I have no idea why. I just remember dreaming of being on a big stage, performing music and making people happy....."to forget about life for awhile." Thank you Jimmy.

So there's no real point to this post. Just babble. Hours of yard work today just kinda pissed me off. No reason really. Just because. It needed done. I know that. But, I'm just so tired of doing it. Time for a change. Would love to throw a dart at a map but I'm so very much looking forward to this new band.....we've got so many stars and planets in alignment it's scary.

So very fortunate to be able to follow my bliss. Music is without a doubt my muse. Whether listening, writing, arranging, recording, performing or discussing....it gets me through. Thank you Joseph Campbell. You and my high school band director as well as my college jazz band director simply saved my life. Period.

Why does society make everyone think they have to do this or that? Why does society scare people into not listening to their hearts? I'm SOOOOOO sick of feeling obligated....fuck that. I'm so ready to just be me. I kinda like me. But the more I'm me, the more fucked up it gets. But I can't turn back.

I tried to process that whole sucker punch episode.....and ya know what I've realized? That was the first time in my entire life that I was able to BE me....and those peeps just plain "got it." We didn't have to explain it. It was just understood. No judgement. No debate. No obligation. No play happy. And when I left them, I just fuckin hated it.

My mom might read this so I wanna say this has nuttin to do with her. But ya know, adoption sux. I don't know how it could have been any different tho. As many of us discussed it's the secrecy factor that has fucked everything up. It has nothing to do with adoptive parents or even birth parents when it all comes down to it. Everyone's got issues....no doubt. Everyone has shit to deal with in life so I'm not saying adoptees have it worse. I'm just saying this secrecy thing is fuckin bullshit. THAT's what is fucked up.

Fuck it....where's that bourbon? Time to wake up to a new day.