My story connection to “The Secret” began February 29, 1968 (Leap Day) when I was born (actually it begins before that). My parents were 16 and 17 years old at the time and decided to give me up for adoption. As a father of 2 wonderful boys, I cannot begin to imagine going through the process of that decision but I can tell you genuinely that I am forever grateful to them for making that decision.
I was placed in foster care on March 11, 1968 with George “Dick” and Annie Carrico. I was adopted October 24, 1968 by Barbara and Melvin Thomas as their first child. As long as I can remember, I have always known that I was adopted and never questioned it. I had a great life with a wonderful family who loved me and provided me with everything I needed. After college, I married a wonderful woman from Pennsylvania and not too long after we began to start a family. This is when I began to have strong feelings towards finding out who my birthparents were and hoping to find the missing pieces to my puzzle. I believed it necessary to find those roots since I would soon bring a child into this world who would eventually trace his/her roots.
I went through all the processes (internet searches, bulletin boards, online forums, adoptee’s mailing lists, online registries, filled out all the forms, followed all the leads and jumped through all the hoops but kept hitting brick walls. All I got was non-identifying information which gave me some clues but not anything solid. In 1997, we had our first son and I became a full-time, stay-at-home dad and though I tried every avenue I could think of, I could not find my birthparents and it didn’t take long for me to start telling myself “You will never find them. You will never learn your roots.” (A tape that would play over and over in my thoughts for many years.)
In 2003, I was fortunate enough to learn of the identities of the people who had me in foster care through a story my mom told me about a mutual friend that my dad had with the foster father at the time of my adoption in 1968. I located this mutual friend and he told me the names of my foster parents. I searched, found them and contacted them. They were overjoyed to hear from one of the children they had cared for since none had ever sought to find them and they had always wondered how the children made out in life after leaving their home. At the time, my foster mother was recovering from an illness and was hospitalized so it was not possible to meet. So, I sent her a card and flowers to her hospital room and looked forward to another time. That time did come and we met at their home in MD. It was such a wonderful experience. Of course, I was hoping that they would have some clues for me but all they had was a code name (George Tate) that was used by the social services and some pictures. It wasn’t what I had hoped for but it was still 8 months of my life recovered.
I went home and tracked everything I could with the information I received from them but continued to hit brick walls and continued to play that tape in my thoughts over and over and over again. Depression soon set in. In January 2004, I received a letter from George Carrico (my foster father) and in it he spoke of his enjoyment of meeting me and my family and sadly informing me of the passing of Annie. He included some more pictures and in the letter stated “Annie thought Montel Williams should be able to help you in your search.” He included a page torn out of a magazine discussing adoptees searching and information that he gathered from watching a Montel Show. He ended the letter with “I hope we have helped you.” At the time, I was appreciative of the letter and the photo’s but did not pursue anything due to the barriers that I had run up against with the laws in our country and that tape playing in my thoughts (“You will never find them. You will never learn your roots.”)....I did not believe. Little did I know at the time, that they had helped me more than any of us could have ever imagined. George sent it out to the universe but I was not willing to believe or receive.
Over the past several years, the confidential intermediary (social worker) who was assigned my case through Montgomery County, Maryland had tracked down both of my birthparents and had contacted them.
I was notified of this news in August of 2004 after I had called in to check on any progress with my case. That day changed everything....you see, to the adoptee’s psychological mind, their parents died and they have not been able to mourn that loss....but when I heard they were contacted and spoken with, that told me THEY WERE ALIVE! My birthfather could not talk to the CI at the time and stated he would call back. My birthmother did speak to the CI and gave some details in addition to stating that she understood my interest in a reunion but that she was currently going through a divorce and that it was a difficult time for her. When asked about medical history she informed that her son had some issues with kidneys but everything was now fine. Her son! That meant I have a half-brother somewhere!
Unfortunately, neither called back. My gut feeling is that time went by, fears surfaced, and the unknown kept her and/or him from calling. And, thanks to our governments “rules”, the CI claimed she was not permitted to contact them again...that they would have to call back before anything further could happen. I offered to send a letter....the CI claimed she was not permitted to forward it. Brick wall again. Rejection again. And the tape played on....“You will never find them. You will never learn your roots.”
As time passed, I became more interested in spiritual path and self-discovery. I have studied Yoga for almost 7 years now and the philosophy associated with the practice of Yoga has helped me tremendously. Still, the tape played on. It just made NO SENSE to me why I couldn’t make this happen. I would continue to fall into depression.
Then in May 2006, the path started showing....I was on my way to a show in Delaware (I’m a drummer and I freelance for different artists) and I had stopped at a friends to visit. I noticed an audiobook cd of The Power Of Myth by Joseph Campbell by their computer. It caught my eye because about 10 years prior, after reading the book Tales From Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett (I’m a devoted Parrothead! Thank you Jamie Parker!). I bought the book The Power Of Myth because Jimmy mentioned it in his book (and if Jimmy recommends it...it must be worth it!). At that time, I read about half of it but I didn’t “get it.” This time, as I drove from MD to the Eastern Shore, I listened....and had so many “Yes!” moments. My eyes opened and I began to see things in a different light. I realized that that “feeling” I had in 9th grade while I was playing a timpani part in the school band (I was brought to tears), was not a freak incident. It was telling me something. “Follow your bliss.” But no matter how much enlightenment I found in this, the tape played on “You will never find them. You will never learn your roots.”
I spent the next several months reading everything I could and discussing with those who may listen. Still, the tape played on “You will never find them. You will never learn your roots.” So much that one day I decided that it was over....that it was senseless thinking about it since it just wasn’t meant to be. I convinced myself that I was never going to meet them, that was how my life was going to play out and that I needed to just accept it. The beginning of February 2007 confirmed just that. The month of my birthday has typically been terrible for me...depression....deep depression and I’ve hated my birthday....never wanted to celebrate it...just get past it. In the beginning of February 2007 I received a letter from my Confidential Intermediary stating that since no response has occurred over the past 3 years, that they were officially closing my case. How did I take it? It didn’t phase me. I expected it. I had already given up.
Then, my life changed.....and this time, it was a positive change. My wife had watched an Oprah show that she described as a “way of making things happen and being positive in life” and she thought I would like it so she TiVo’d it for me. Friday night February 9th, 2007 at 11:30pm, my wife had decided to go to bed yet I was still wide awake (we musicians have irregular internal clocks so I am used to being awake) and I remembered she had saved a show for me to watch. That show was the show with Jack Canfield and several others and it was about “The Secret.” That show...IMMEDIATELY changed my life. I’d realized that I have received what I have been asking for. The tape “You will never find them. You will never learn your roots.”....well, of course I won’t....that’s what I’ve been sending out to the universe.
I finished the show at 12:45am.....the scoured the internet...could this be true? I wanted to believe. I went to The Secret website (http://www.thesecret.tv)....watched everything, read everything, read every bio, signed up for the newsletters, registered with the site...and then purchased the DVD. We were going to spend the next weekend with some friends at our camp in the mountains and I wanted SO MUCH to take this dvd with me but I was afraid it wouldn’t arrive in time. I thought over and over, “Please ship it to me fast so I can take it with me to expose my friends to this...they must know!!” I couldn’t wait...so I went online and downloaded the audiobook version...loaded it onto my iPod and listened to it while cleaning the camp the next day (Sunday, Feb 11). I was literally hooked to every word. I couldn’t believe it at first. I was hearing so many of the things that I had been reading about for so many years but this was putting it all together....connecting the dots. Years of not believing....not knowing to believe...my wife and I had so many discussions to why we weren’t making more money, getting the house we desired, why we felt stuck in life.....I had been experiencing so many obstacles in different musical projects...I had the desire to succeed and just couldn’t figure out WHY I COULDN’T! This explained everything!
Then....the dvd showed up in Monday’s mail....what? I ordered it Saturday morning at 1:30am....how could it get there on Monday already? Especially when the order stated it could take a week for delivery. Did I just experience the law of attraction? Yes...I believe I did....I WANTED it to arrive in time to take to my friends. I thought it over and over...and it showed up. Wooooooaaaahhhhhh!
So, my wife and I sat down Monday night and watched the dvd....I was in tears.
It was all making sense. It’s been right there....but I couldn’t see it. The example Jack gave of driving from New York to California in the dark and only being able to see as far as the lights shown but *knowing* you would arrive trusting that the next 200 ft would come...that just opened my eyes wider. ALL my life...I’ve been trying to determine “how” to do this or that. It held me up...when Jack gave that example, it made SO much sense and that story stuck with me. Then, he told the story of how he sold his book and made his first $92,000. There it was again! Light bulb! 5 years ago, I’d had an idea to write a book. A desire to take my life experiences and tell the story in hopes that it could open another eyes. To help make their path a little easier. I have been struggling to write songs surrounding this same thing. But, at the time, I said to myself “I can’t do that.” ....well....I placed the order and ”Your wish is my command.”
It was all making sense. It’s been right there....but I couldn’t see it. The example Jack gave of driving from New York to California in the dark and only being able to see as far as the lights shown but *knowing* you would arrive trusting that the next 200 ft would come...that just opened my eyes wider. ALL my life...I’ve been trying to determine “how” to do this or that. It held me up...when Jack gave that example, it made SO much sense and that story stuck with me. Then, he told the story of how he sold his book and made his first $92,000. There it was again! Light bulb! 5 years ago, I’d had an idea to write a book. A desire to take my life experiences and tell the story in hopes that it could open another eyes. To help make their path a little easier. I have been struggling to write songs surrounding this same thing. But, at the time, I said to myself “I can’t do that.” ....well....I placed the order and ”Your wish is my command.”
After the movie, I again went to the internet. I couldn’t believe that the “Chicken Soup guy” was in this movie! My mom had tried to get me to read his books on different occasions and I just didn’t consider it....sometimes my brother and I even mocked the books. But, now...I believed! (I guess I’d better read those books!) I went to Jack’s website first...read through it and of course, signed up for the mailing list. As I laid in bed that night before going to sleep, (charged with this new excitement) I changed my thinking. I said to myself, “I WILL find them, we WILL reunite and I would like for something to happen by my birthday this year.” I asked, I believed and I felt it. Everyday....I released this out to the universe. I started buying the books of the other people in The Secret and read the newsletters.
We went to our weekend with friends and showed the movie to them....spent the next 2 hours discussing it....the next day discussing it amongst ourselves here and there. I expressed my intention and my thought change. Interesting enough, one friend asked me “Do you still have hope that you might find them someday?” Without pause I immediately said, “No. I don’t. Because now I KNOW I will.”
During our weekend with friends we all chose to go to dinner Friday night instead of cooking. I drove. And as we were leaving the camp I thought, “I’m going to try something relating to this new way of thinking.” We were going to The Outback Steakhouse. I had been there before and on Friday nights in State College, PA (home of Penn State University) it’s typically busy. We had made reservations and the drive was approximately 25 minutes down out of the mountains to the restaurant. I decided I would imagine the parking space that I wanted to pull into. I envisioned in my mind pulling into the parking lot, going in front of the building and pulling in the first space in the side lot. I saw us pulling in, getting out, locking the doors and walking away. Let me tell you right here and now, IT WAS EXACTLY how I thought. The entire line of space on both sides was full....EXCEPT for the space I thought about and saw in my mind me pulling into it to park. Wow! My jaw was on the floor! I told my wife...she couldn’t believe it. Coincience? I might have said that before...but not now!
After a couple days of resettling into everyday life, I was struggling with trying to get my head back in the right mode. I decided to go to bed early on Tuesday night to recharge. I went to bed, thought through all the things that I was grateful for (the breath in my lungs, my wife and kids, a warm house, cars to drive, drums to play, etc, etc)...and fell asleep.
Wednesday, February 21st....The morning began with yet another struggle with one of the music projects I had been working on. But, this time I didn’t allow it to get me down. I knew there was a lesson in it, that I would learn from it and move on. About 1pm I received an email from Jack Canfields mailing list with the subject “Kevin, join me on the Montel show?”...IMMEDIATELY....before I even opened the email I remembered the letter my foster father had sent to me after his wife’s passing...“Annie thought Montel Williams should be able to help you in your search.”.....“I hope we have helped you.” (prior to this moment I had all but forgotten about that letter)
Annie, George, the letter, The Secret, Jack Canfield’s newsletter, Montel in New York.....and the show date!!! February 28th! My “un-birthday!” (since there is no 29th this year).....could this be true? Are you kidding me? Free tickets? Did I really request this from the universe? What should I do?
Then I remembered another quote from the movie, “The universe likes speed.” Should I call for tickets? How can I get there? New York is 6 hours away....then remembered the story that Jack told of driving from New York to California....not worrying about the how-to’s....just trusting that the next 200 ft will come into view if you just keep going. So I made the call...and got a ticket. I told Lori (my wife) of this experience...and she too believes this is not coincidence...that this is true!
I don’t know how I’m getting there....I don’t know where it is in New York...but none of that matters....it will all work out. Is going to The Montel Show on my birthday going to bring me my long desired wish? I don’t know...that’s not what I’m thinking about. All I’m thinking is that these events, signs, experiences all came together to point me in a direction and regardless of the outcome I’m grateful for past experiences that have made me who I am and thankful for this years birthday present. I’m just trusting that the next 200 ft will unfold as long as I “just keep swimming.” (thank you Dory from Finding Nemo!)
...to be continued :-)
