So I have been struggling with a sore throat in the evenings the past couple days. I once heard that a sore throat meant you had something to say but couldn't. So, I did some searching and found a wonderful site called askahealer.com...here's a question/answer specific to my issue....(with all due credit)
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Question on spiritual healing: I had a reading telling me that my Throat Chakra was clogged or blocked. How do I remedy this? And is sore throat or tonsillitis a sign that the throat chakra is out of balance?
Healing facilitation response: Spiritually speaking, the throat chakra quite literally corresponds to communication challenges. So, in the view of the spiritual healing facilitator, problems with the throat area are seen as indicative of some problem with expression.
Energetic throat chakra congestion can eventually be followed up by literal throat problems - excessive phlegm in the throat, frequent sore throat, difficulty swallowing, etc. Of course, frequent sore throat or tonsillitis can also point to related physical problems including post nasal drip, chronic sinusitis, allergies, eustachean tube drainage or even throat cancer so, once a spiritual imbalance manifests as a physical imbalance, it is important to see your chosen healthcare professional.
Before manifesting as physical imbalance, a throat chakra imbalance can be sensed as an unexplained tightness in the throat, a feeling of restriction. It can also manifest in our communication struggles. Anyone with major communication issues, whether those are expressing thru inappropriate expression (anger, rage, bitterness, etc.) or lack of expression (shutting down what we want to say for fear of being judged, rejected, or hurt), should do some work around clearing the throat chakra.
...quoted from http://www.askahealer.com/clogged-throat-chakra.htm
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......hmmmm....that last part about lack of expression/shutting down....yep....I've found my cause. So, am I more in-tune or have I finally become completely fucked up and wacked out? My heart tells me that I am an open person....I like to discuss everything...philosophical especially. But, just as it has happened all throughout life, I open up and I'm shut down. Shut the fuck up and go back to your hole....get back in line...all in all you're just another brick in the wall.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
A goal or an obstacle?
As I mentioned in my previous post, this issue of my birth records and reconnecting to my birth parents is still weighing heavily on my mind. As I start into this coaching program, one of my main interests is goal setting and then planning out steps towards accomplishing those goals. Well, here's the dilemma....is my lack of records and connection an obstacle that I simply must look beyond, go around, over or under? Or is it a goal that I want to place as my highest priority to achieve? Or is it both? I get the whole concept of no matter what, my response to the event (or circumstance) is what will determine the outcome and/or success. When I look at it this way, it's an obstacle. Thus I can choose to respond to it in a different manner....which is something that I have been quite successful at and thus do not experience the depression that I used to deal with. If it's an obstacle, there are ways to go around it, under, over, through it....or is "through it" the concept of solving it.
If it's a goal...then it's something I need to plan out steps towards achieving that goal. Though I believe I've been taking those steps for the past 10 years and still am in the same place...not because I haven't tried or haven't put forth the effort...those of us who actively search all well know how much effort we put forth trying to find out. But, as we all know, there are MAJOR obstacles in our way. As in, laws. Fucked up laws, but laws nonetheless. I've gone through the Confidential Intermediary Program (ha...what a joke...and yes, Mia is right...North Carolina actually lost out by compromising.....sad but true) and the CI has made the contact, made the connection. No response from their side and my case is now closed...so, how do I overcome an obstacle that I have no course of action towards? There's always the money thing....have said for sometime that if I had the extra $3000 that those search companies charge (or rather rip us off), then I would certainly spend it in a heart beat. So, maybe I'm "choosing" not to do that....there are ways to get the money. Tough to do when you already h have debt and of course even tougher to do when you have a family to support....we adoptees have that issue of not believing we are "worthy" of the money spent....but, again...that's self-talk really when it comes down to it.
Sheesh....this is screwy. Now, add this to the mix. I'm also working through Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way - A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. ONe of the things that is concentrating on is how to remove the blockage that is preventing the artist from writing or composing, painting, etc, etc)....well, guess what? Back to the goal or obstacle? IN this case, it's back to being an obstacle and something I need to overcome or learn to work with in order for that creative block to go away. I am creating more already by writing my Monring Pages every day and blogging as well as composing and writing lyrics more and more. So, maybe the block is slowly breaking. It's all so confusing. I still feel like there's this "thing" inside just waiting to bust out of the gate...to be released...what is that? Is it related to these adoptee things? Or is it that life purpose screaming to be let loose and able to flourish?
Does the barrier need to come down completely before forward motion is truly realized? Is it a goal or an obstacle?
From my readings of Joseph Campbell relating to mythology and following your bliss to create your own personal myth, I've learned that the key is to learn how to be present in the moment but not attached...that life is full of duality....that's identical to my readings and practicing of Yoga. In an asana, you are taught to observe the pose...if it feels good, don't attach yourself to the good...if it is challenging, again, do not attach your mind to the challenge. This is duality...good and bad. right and wrong, black and white, north and south, positive and negative. Finding balance is key. So maybe it IS both....a goal AND an obstacle.
The, to top all this off, we watched the movie "What The Bleep Do We KNow" last night....relating to Quantum Physics....whew! My brain is tired!!! I get all that! I really do....but it still doesn't make it easy to accept.
Thank goodness I'm on my way to yoga class tonight! Hopefully, I'll get balanced out by 7pm!! :-)
If it's a goal...then it's something I need to plan out steps towards achieving that goal. Though I believe I've been taking those steps for the past 10 years and still am in the same place...not because I haven't tried or haven't put forth the effort...those of us who actively search all well know how much effort we put forth trying to find out. But, as we all know, there are MAJOR obstacles in our way. As in, laws. Fucked up laws, but laws nonetheless. I've gone through the Confidential Intermediary Program (ha...what a joke...and yes, Mia is right...North Carolina actually lost out by compromising.....sad but true) and the CI has made the contact, made the connection. No response from their side and my case is now closed...so, how do I overcome an obstacle that I have no course of action towards? There's always the money thing....have said for sometime that if I had the extra $3000 that those search companies charge (or rather rip us off), then I would certainly spend it in a heart beat. So, maybe I'm "choosing" not to do that....there are ways to get the money. Tough to do when you already h have debt and of course even tougher to do when you have a family to support....we adoptees have that issue of not believing we are "worthy" of the money spent....but, again...that's self-talk really when it comes down to it.
Sheesh....this is screwy. Now, add this to the mix. I'm also working through Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way - A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. ONe of the things that is concentrating on is how to remove the blockage that is preventing the artist from writing or composing, painting, etc, etc)....well, guess what? Back to the goal or obstacle? IN this case, it's back to being an obstacle and something I need to overcome or learn to work with in order for that creative block to go away. I am creating more already by writing my Monring Pages every day and blogging as well as composing and writing lyrics more and more. So, maybe the block is slowly breaking. It's all so confusing. I still feel like there's this "thing" inside just waiting to bust out of the gate...to be released...what is that? Is it related to these adoptee things? Or is it that life purpose screaming to be let loose and able to flourish?
Does the barrier need to come down completely before forward motion is truly realized? Is it a goal or an obstacle?
From my readings of Joseph Campbell relating to mythology and following your bliss to create your own personal myth, I've learned that the key is to learn how to be present in the moment but not attached...that life is full of duality....that's identical to my readings and practicing of Yoga. In an asana, you are taught to observe the pose...if it feels good, don't attach yourself to the good...if it is challenging, again, do not attach your mind to the challenge. This is duality...good and bad. right and wrong, black and white, north and south, positive and negative. Finding balance is key. So maybe it IS both....a goal AND an obstacle.
The, to top all this off, we watched the movie "What The Bleep Do We KNow" last night....relating to Quantum Physics....whew! My brain is tired!!! I get all that! I really do....but it still doesn't make it easy to accept.
Thank goodness I'm on my way to yoga class tonight! Hopefully, I'll get balanced out by 7pm!! :-)
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Identity as an artist...?
I haven't blogged in awhile....though I've been writing quite a bit. Lyrics, words, thoughts, and now Morning Pages in several different journals and notebooks I surround myself with. I've been reading more than ever in my life and have recently been accepted into a Personal Coaching program that I am so very excited about and look forward to focusing on who I am.
What has made me come to the keyboard is a passage that I just finished in the book I am currently reading.....Being Adopted - The Lifelong Search for Self. The passage is the story of a late adolescence female who during college becomes more interested in art and art history and also begins to paint. The more she paints, the more interested she becomes in where this talent came from. Her adoptive parents were not artistic folk but practical and solid people. She wonders then what made her so interested in painting. She decides to search and painfully discovers that her birth mother was killed in a car crash years before. As she learned more of her origins, she found that her birth mother also began painting at the exact age that she did. (whoa...) Her mother's father was also an amateur painter and had been commissioned to do paintings on the walls of 2 churches in her hometown. Finding this out gave the woman permission to round out her identity as an artistic individual.
As I read this passage, I became so excited and began to well up and "tingle." This story just seemed to so resonate with me....maybe because that is something I have wished or dreamed of as we adoptees so often do...dream up this fantasy of who our birth parents are and that we get these characteristics from them. This struggle for identity....to wholeheartedly embrace the artist that I feel I am is at the forefront of my life still today. Especially as I begin this coaching program and define my life purpose as well as setting goals for myself.
Proof being in the answer to a pre-assessment question "Where do you want to be?" Here is what I answered...
"I want to live in that realm of not feeling like I have to “back-up” who I really am. I live in a small agriculturally based town in Central Pennsylvania so that is not an easy task when what I do is quite different from the average. I want to use my talents to their fullest capacity which in turn will bring the health and wealth that I so desire for me and my family. I want to bring forth that full potential that I feel burning inside. I’ve worked so many “jobs” throughout life….which I’ve done well at but none of which I enjoyed and all of which have limited my income potential. I KNOW that the more I use my creative talents, the happier I am and the more I attract the work I love into my life. I want to STAY on that path relentless and regardless. "
Is this a direct connection to my desire to know my origins? I would think so but I just don't know because as we all know, I am not entitled to "know." A question that I have often struggled with and discussed at length (sometimes in near argument) with Mia is then "Is it absolutely imperative that we adoptees know where we came from in order to give us the root for who we are to become or in order to embrace who we are?" Of course, if you know Mia at all you already know her response. Mine, however, has not been as definite. From all the material I have been reading, listening to and viewing, everything says that it's a "choice." You choose whether or not to embrace it and become what you want or do not want. I do believe that but cannot help but wonder if this unknown history is an inevitable obstacle. So how do we go around, over, under or through that obstacle? Because this obstacle is one specific only to adoptees...or is it? Ugh.
I cannot help but dream and believe that after reading the above mentioned story, that that is my destiny too. As strong as this artistic musician character is in me, it must have originated from somewhere. Will I be disappointed if I ever find out and the answer is not what I had hoped? IT brings me joy regardless so I would hope not. But one cannot know until you are there.
And now, realizing that my burning desire is to fully embrace that which I believe defines me and IS my life purpose....music...can that truly be completely realized without knowing my roots first? Will it continue to be the obstacle? They claim to teach you how to go around, under, over or through the obstacle...but can it really be achieved when it relies on information that you are prevented from knowing?
Maybe my first and most important goal that MUST be achieved is to find that root so I can fully become my potential and the true intention of the creator. This is monumental...this is why records must be opened. This is why, without a doubt, that adoption as we all know it must be reformed and changed. Regardless of your opinion of adoption, being denied our roots is just wrong. Becoming who you are meant to be, who the creator intended you to be benefits the entire world....it is truly for the betterment of the world...not just the individual. There is one main reason that records are kept from us....and that is fear. Psychologists teach that fear is Fictional Events Appearing Real. And when you face fear, you become uncomfortable...it is why most do not face fear because they do not want to be uncomfortable....but when you are uncomfortable THAT is when you are growing.
Perception must be changed....for the betterment of all.
What has made me come to the keyboard is a passage that I just finished in the book I am currently reading.....Being Adopted - The Lifelong Search for Self. The passage is the story of a late adolescence female who during college becomes more interested in art and art history and also begins to paint. The more she paints, the more interested she becomes in where this talent came from. Her adoptive parents were not artistic folk but practical and solid people. She wonders then what made her so interested in painting. She decides to search and painfully discovers that her birth mother was killed in a car crash years before. As she learned more of her origins, she found that her birth mother also began painting at the exact age that she did. (whoa...) Her mother's father was also an amateur painter and had been commissioned to do paintings on the walls of 2 churches in her hometown. Finding this out gave the woman permission to round out her identity as an artistic individual.
As I read this passage, I became so excited and began to well up and "tingle." This story just seemed to so resonate with me....maybe because that is something I have wished or dreamed of as we adoptees so often do...dream up this fantasy of who our birth parents are and that we get these characteristics from them. This struggle for identity....to wholeheartedly embrace the artist that I feel I am is at the forefront of my life still today. Especially as I begin this coaching program and define my life purpose as well as setting goals for myself.
Proof being in the answer to a pre-assessment question "Where do you want to be?" Here is what I answered...
"I want to live in that realm of not feeling like I have to “back-up” who I really am. I live in a small agriculturally based town in Central Pennsylvania so that is not an easy task when what I do is quite different from the average. I want to use my talents to their fullest capacity which in turn will bring the health and wealth that I so desire for me and my family. I want to bring forth that full potential that I feel burning inside. I’ve worked so many “jobs” throughout life….which I’ve done well at but none of which I enjoyed and all of which have limited my income potential. I KNOW that the more I use my creative talents, the happier I am and the more I attract the work I love into my life. I want to STAY on that path relentless and regardless. "
Is this a direct connection to my desire to know my origins? I would think so but I just don't know because as we all know, I am not entitled to "know." A question that I have often struggled with and discussed at length (sometimes in near argument) with Mia is then "Is it absolutely imperative that we adoptees know where we came from in order to give us the root for who we are to become or in order to embrace who we are?" Of course, if you know Mia at all you already know her response. Mine, however, has not been as definite. From all the material I have been reading, listening to and viewing, everything says that it's a "choice." You choose whether or not to embrace it and become what you want or do not want. I do believe that but cannot help but wonder if this unknown history is an inevitable obstacle. So how do we go around, over, under or through that obstacle? Because this obstacle is one specific only to adoptees...or is it? Ugh.
I cannot help but dream and believe that after reading the above mentioned story, that that is my destiny too. As strong as this artistic musician character is in me, it must have originated from somewhere. Will I be disappointed if I ever find out and the answer is not what I had hoped? IT brings me joy regardless so I would hope not. But one cannot know until you are there.
And now, realizing that my burning desire is to fully embrace that which I believe defines me and IS my life purpose....music...can that truly be completely realized without knowing my roots first? Will it continue to be the obstacle? They claim to teach you how to go around, under, over or through the obstacle...but can it really be achieved when it relies on information that you are prevented from knowing?
Maybe my first and most important goal that MUST be achieved is to find that root so I can fully become my potential and the true intention of the creator. This is monumental...this is why records must be opened. This is why, without a doubt, that adoption as we all know it must be reformed and changed. Regardless of your opinion of adoption, being denied our roots is just wrong. Becoming who you are meant to be, who the creator intended you to be benefits the entire world....it is truly for the betterment of the world...not just the individual. There is one main reason that records are kept from us....and that is fear. Psychologists teach that fear is Fictional Events Appearing Real. And when you face fear, you become uncomfortable...it is why most do not face fear because they do not want to be uncomfortable....but when you are uncomfortable THAT is when you are growing.
Perception must be changed....for the betterment of all.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Blessing or a curse?
So is it a blessing or a curse to be so "in-tune" with the world that surrounds you. I mean, I can peg nearly anyone in an unknown room as soon as I walk-in. WTF? Yet, the majority of people are not in-tune with even the people who you live with....I know we adoptees are more in-tune but I can't understand why others haven't a clue. Obviously, this is a personal experience that is influencing this rant (and some good bourbon).
And the worst part, is when I pick up the vibe, know it's valid and the person says, "nothin." Like I'm fuckin' nuts or something....well, news flash...I am...and I embrace it...and news flash...I was right about the vibe whether you want to admit it now or later.
And this in-tune-ness transcends distance....pick up the fuckin phone....
And the worst part, is when I pick up the vibe, know it's valid and the person says, "nothin." Like I'm fuckin' nuts or something....well, news flash...I am...and I embrace it...and news flash...I was right about the vibe whether you want to admit it now or later.
And this in-tune-ness transcends distance....pick up the fuckin phone....
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Another disturbance in "The Force"
There's something wacked out there....I get this vibe and 9.999 times out of 10 I'm right. Maybe it's not "wacked" but something is happening. Maybe it's the Mother's Day thing that is approaching. Such weird feelings surrounding that day. I, of course, first think of my mom (for those of you who insist on differentiating between the 2....I'm referring to my mom...my a-mom...but for the record, I REALLY don't care for having to differentiate the 2...say what you want, but I just prefer to use the word Mom...and that's for both of them...hell, when we were in high school, my best friends Mike and Jamie and I used to tell everyone we had 3 moms). Mom is one of a kind...she is so supportive of me searching. How cool is that?
And then, of course, my wife is the mother of my 2 sons so I get together with them and celebrate Mother's Day. We typically cook breakfast for her and serve it in bed. The boys participate in cooking (and that's typically an experience).
If you're reading this (and I could only hope you are), I think of you too. How could I not? I know you're thinking of me too....even though it's so hard for me to understand why you won't just pick up the phone and break down the wall of fear....healing begins with truth. (Thanks, Mia.) Don't be afraid. My family will embrace you. My mom (and dad) are great people! You need to meet them! There's nothing to be afraid of. But I feel when you must be sending strong vibes or something...it rattles me but I now understand where that is coming from. I seem to be one of those persons that is "in tune" with the vibrations around us that few notice. It's a blessing and a curse. But I'll choose a blessing because it heightens my awareness.
I came upon a blog of a birthfather....it's fantastic! you MUST check it out...link at the side of this blog. I believe he's the beginning of that side of the movement and we are so fortunate to have him. Keep posting!
There's much in the works here.....Mia and I are progressing on our projects and ideas. The music video is stalled a bit partly due to everyone's busy schedule but also because I realized I needed to step back and do this how it NEEDS to be done....not on a cheap, zero budget but to find funding and do this song especially the way I know I can do it with the colleagues and resources I have. If you have any suggestions for sources of expendable capital....or venture capital...or just plain donations for the cause, lemme know.
I struggle to discuss what is going on. Maybe it's that judgement thing...maybe it's just I don't feel compelled to tell everyone. I love this Chinese Proverb: "The one who knows, tells no one. The one who knows nothing, tells everyone." (hmmm...reminds me of a certain musician that I've had recent issues with....what comes around, dude....)
Weird...I'm struggling to write. It's just not "flowing." ugh...that frustrates me. As an artist, this is when I know there's something there that is trying to get out but it's just not coming to the surface. Fortunately, I'll soon have a regular performing project going again. I've been jonesin' for the stage. Not for the applause....for the moment...it's my "everything is perfect in the world" place.
Guess I should just give in here and stop trying to write something that's not coming.
An early Happy Mothers Day to Mom and Mom.
And then, of course, my wife is the mother of my 2 sons so I get together with them and celebrate Mother's Day. We typically cook breakfast for her and serve it in bed. The boys participate in cooking (and that's typically an experience).
If you're reading this (and I could only hope you are), I think of you too. How could I not? I know you're thinking of me too....even though it's so hard for me to understand why you won't just pick up the phone and break down the wall of fear....healing begins with truth. (Thanks, Mia.) Don't be afraid. My family will embrace you. My mom (and dad) are great people! You need to meet them! There's nothing to be afraid of. But I feel when you must be sending strong vibes or something...it rattles me but I now understand where that is coming from. I seem to be one of those persons that is "in tune" with the vibrations around us that few notice. It's a blessing and a curse. But I'll choose a blessing because it heightens my awareness.
I came upon a blog of a birthfather....it's fantastic! you MUST check it out...link at the side of this blog. I believe he's the beginning of that side of the movement and we are so fortunate to have him. Keep posting!
There's much in the works here.....Mia and I are progressing on our projects and ideas. The music video is stalled a bit partly due to everyone's busy schedule but also because I realized I needed to step back and do this how it NEEDS to be done....not on a cheap, zero budget but to find funding and do this song especially the way I know I can do it with the colleagues and resources I have. If you have any suggestions for sources of expendable capital....or venture capital...or just plain donations for the cause, lemme know.
I struggle to discuss what is going on. Maybe it's that judgement thing...maybe it's just I don't feel compelled to tell everyone. I love this Chinese Proverb: "The one who knows, tells no one. The one who knows nothing, tells everyone." (hmmm...reminds me of a certain musician that I've had recent issues with....what comes around, dude....)
Weird...I'm struggling to write. It's just not "flowing." ugh...that frustrates me. As an artist, this is when I know there's something there that is trying to get out but it's just not coming to the surface. Fortunately, I'll soon have a regular performing project going again. I've been jonesin' for the stage. Not for the applause....for the moment...it's my "everything is perfect in the world" place.
Guess I should just give in here and stop trying to write something that's not coming.
An early Happy Mothers Day to Mom and Mom.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Sunday, April 15, 2007
A remarkable day
I know, I know...it's been a while since my last post. Much has happened but I guess I just haven't been in that creative writing "mode." Thankfully, there's much good to report to help offset this pesky bs with a former associate. It's unfortunate that there are people in the world that claim they are so spiritual and loving when in reality they are self-centered, hateful and just plain fake. What comes around goes around and he will surely get his. But, enough of that....had to just get that off my chest for a moment....
Today is a day that I will remember always. My thoughts and emotions concerning the day are such a melting pot right now that I just figured if I'd write it out it would help me clear my head. So many thoughts....so many ideas....how to lasso them all?
The day started a bit of a mess....typically Sunday mornings after playing a show the night before are tough and I rarely get to sleep in after getting to bed at 2:30-3am...I was fortunate enough to sleep until around 8:30am....but just could not motivate myself enough to get up so i kept hiding under the covers somehow thinking that the day would not know I'm awake...LOL It's not that I wanted to hide from the day but there was definitely a bit of a "disturbance in the force" which I later understood was merely a test that the universe throws at you to see if you're really that serious. Well, I was that serious.
The unpredictable weather we have been having here in Central PA (if you haven't seen An Inconvenient Truth, I would highly recommend you spend the time and watch it) threw another wrench at us with this apparent Nor'easter.....mainly rain but warnings of potent snow storms. Mia and I had plans to make a presentation of ideas. When i checked my email, Mia was figuring the rain was not a good idea to take on today as it was a "monsoon" at her place. So, I kinda decided I should stay put for the day....anticipating issues with flooding and our fence in the backyard (we've had it ruined twice)...and we figured we'd just make the presentation another day. long story short...I decided to turn my cell phone on (I have such a bad habit of not turning it on) and there was a message from Mia (I'd swear we have some sixth sense connecting the 2 of us and up to this point of the day, we had actually never met in person!). Well, the storm seemed to be pushing off the coast and we weren't getting hit as bad and Mia must've got an overall feeling of going through as planned....we talked on the phone and it was quite apparent that she felt strongly to do this today (she's quite a convincing person....but I'm glad she is!) So, a quick shower and on the road by 12:50pm heading to Lancaster.
Driving down, I didn't really feel "anything." As if it was almost business-like....weird....little did I know how touched I would soon be....Law of Attraction. The intention of the day was to present a proposal of a new concept/path that Mia and I have stumbled into and that which we have titled "The Honesty In Adoption Foundation." Too much to go into now but it's a positive approach to truth and healing that we just didn't feel was present anywhere else in the manner of which we have been thinking....so we wanted to share this with some people that Mia has had connections with. Even though that was our intention for the pre-meeting topic, the meeting was an adoption support group.....something I've never experienced. In fact, there's few IN the triad that I've actually ever communicated with. So, this was something very new to me.
As I arrived, I was greeted by 3 natural moms and 3 other adoptees. Mia met me at the door and this was our first in person contact....a shared hug that just felt so right. As we chatted through the afternoon exchanging stories and suggestions, I was deeply moved when listening to the natural moms speak of their experiences....my heart hurt. At one point I suddenly realized that I have never actually met or spoken to a birth/first/natural mom....and hearing in person the pain that they felt was quite overwhelming.
Soapbox Alert! - The general public just has no idea how fucked up this whole adoption thing is....yes, there's good intentions and being served in one sense but the more you learn about the big picture...the whole picture (even as an adoptee, I didn't realize this extent)....you come to find out this is one screwed up mess. ugh
So....even now as I try to collect my thoughts, words escape me. Actually being in a room with natural moms and other adoptees, verbally expressing our thoughts and frustrations was just so......different.....but it felt good. It gave me a sense of belonging. And as we progressed forward into presenting our concept, to see the interest and the joy on their faces was truly one of the most special gifts that I could imagine giving and yet I felt as I was the one receiving. These are remarkable women...remarkable people...who have dug their feet in and pushed on regardless (thank you Dr. Pat!)....I'm sitting here trying to type but the words are not coming...only tears are coming...I think we've found something...no....I KNOW we've found something. I was so touched by these people and I am so grateful that Mia persuaded me to make the trip. It was a life changing moment.
The time seemed to fly by and soon we had to depart. After a mere 3 1/2 hours I felt as if I had known these people forever. The vibe in the room was remarkable....and energetic...joy, sadness, excitement, etc, etc....but it seemed all for the good and that we were truly onto something. Though it was not the "match" of the adoptee hugging their natural mom, the feeling of myself as an adoptee hugging a natural mom was genuine and powerful. As if it was the hug I've longed for and I didn't want to let go. Wow....thank you for that!
Like I mentioned above, there's something that has brought Mia and I together...our paths were meant to cross. As we embraced, I felt as if I was hugging the sister that I had never met. No doubt a spiritual connection between us and whatever label of why or how you choose to put on it, the fact remains that there is no such things as coincidences....this was meant to be.
As Mia and I walked back to our cars, I think we both knew that we were on the right path. Anyone who knows me knows that I have music playing (or a self-help audiobook) whenever driving....the first hour of my drive home I just enjoyed silence. Thoughts would pass through but I just observed them....very surreal for me.
The time is right. Pull up your boot straps. We're about to change the world!
...to be continued :-)
Today is a day that I will remember always. My thoughts and emotions concerning the day are such a melting pot right now that I just figured if I'd write it out it would help me clear my head. So many thoughts....so many ideas....how to lasso them all?
The day started a bit of a mess....typically Sunday mornings after playing a show the night before are tough and I rarely get to sleep in after getting to bed at 2:30-3am...I was fortunate enough to sleep until around 8:30am....but just could not motivate myself enough to get up so i kept hiding under the covers somehow thinking that the day would not know I'm awake...LOL It's not that I wanted to hide from the day but there was definitely a bit of a "disturbance in the force" which I later understood was merely a test that the universe throws at you to see if you're really that serious. Well, I was that serious.
The unpredictable weather we have been having here in Central PA (if you haven't seen An Inconvenient Truth, I would highly recommend you spend the time and watch it) threw another wrench at us with this apparent Nor'easter.....mainly rain but warnings of potent snow storms. Mia and I had plans to make a presentation of ideas. When i checked my email, Mia was figuring the rain was not a good idea to take on today as it was a "monsoon" at her place. So, I kinda decided I should stay put for the day....anticipating issues with flooding and our fence in the backyard (we've had it ruined twice)...and we figured we'd just make the presentation another day. long story short...I decided to turn my cell phone on (I have such a bad habit of not turning it on) and there was a message from Mia (I'd swear we have some sixth sense connecting the 2 of us and up to this point of the day, we had actually never met in person!). Well, the storm seemed to be pushing off the coast and we weren't getting hit as bad and Mia must've got an overall feeling of going through as planned....we talked on the phone and it was quite apparent that she felt strongly to do this today (she's quite a convincing person....but I'm glad she is!) So, a quick shower and on the road by 12:50pm heading to Lancaster.
Driving down, I didn't really feel "anything." As if it was almost business-like....weird....little did I know how touched I would soon be....Law of Attraction. The intention of the day was to present a proposal of a new concept/path that Mia and I have stumbled into and that which we have titled "The Honesty In Adoption Foundation." Too much to go into now but it's a positive approach to truth and healing that we just didn't feel was present anywhere else in the manner of which we have been thinking....so we wanted to share this with some people that Mia has had connections with. Even though that was our intention for the pre-meeting topic, the meeting was an adoption support group.....something I've never experienced. In fact, there's few IN the triad that I've actually ever communicated with. So, this was something very new to me.
As I arrived, I was greeted by 3 natural moms and 3 other adoptees. Mia met me at the door and this was our first in person contact....a shared hug that just felt so right. As we chatted through the afternoon exchanging stories and suggestions, I was deeply moved when listening to the natural moms speak of their experiences....my heart hurt. At one point I suddenly realized that I have never actually met or spoken to a birth/first/natural mom....and hearing in person the pain that they felt was quite overwhelming.
Soapbox Alert! - The general public just has no idea how fucked up this whole adoption thing is....yes, there's good intentions and being served in one sense but the more you learn about the big picture...the whole picture (even as an adoptee, I didn't realize this extent)....you come to find out this is one screwed up mess. ugh
So....even now as I try to collect my thoughts, words escape me. Actually being in a room with natural moms and other adoptees, verbally expressing our thoughts and frustrations was just so......different.....but it felt good. It gave me a sense of belonging. And as we progressed forward into presenting our concept, to see the interest and the joy on their faces was truly one of the most special gifts that I could imagine giving and yet I felt as I was the one receiving. These are remarkable women...remarkable people...who have dug their feet in and pushed on regardless (thank you Dr. Pat!)....I'm sitting here trying to type but the words are not coming...only tears are coming...I think we've found something...no....I KNOW we've found something. I was so touched by these people and I am so grateful that Mia persuaded me to make the trip. It was a life changing moment.
The time seemed to fly by and soon we had to depart. After a mere 3 1/2 hours I felt as if I had known these people forever. The vibe in the room was remarkable....and energetic...joy, sadness, excitement, etc, etc....but it seemed all for the good and that we were truly onto something. Though it was not the "match" of the adoptee hugging their natural mom, the feeling of myself as an adoptee hugging a natural mom was genuine and powerful. As if it was the hug I've longed for and I didn't want to let go. Wow....thank you for that!
Like I mentioned above, there's something that has brought Mia and I together...our paths were meant to cross. As we embraced, I felt as if I was hugging the sister that I had never met. No doubt a spiritual connection between us and whatever label of why or how you choose to put on it, the fact remains that there is no such things as coincidences....this was meant to be.
As Mia and I walked back to our cars, I think we both knew that we were on the right path. Anyone who knows me knows that I have music playing (or a self-help audiobook) whenever driving....the first hour of my drive home I just enjoyed silence. Thoughts would pass through but I just observed them....very surreal for me.
The time is right. Pull up your boot straps. We're about to change the world!
...to be continued :-)
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