Artist/Musician/Writer schtuff...

My Hero's

2008-11-21T10:38:00.002-04:00

I'm reading a book called "Fire In The Heart - A Spiritual Guide For Teens" by Deepak Chopra. Deepak is one of my favorite authors and teachers. As the title states, this book is actually meant for teenagers to help them in understanding life and the world around them. I purchased it in hopes that my sons would someday read it though I plan on giving this copy to my nephew next week (who is 16 yrs old). Over the past year I've read many books, listened to at least 25 audiobooks, watched many documentaries and seminars about self-development and have learned so very much about "me" (though there's surely tons more for me to learn and understand) that I kept asking myself, "How can I expose my kids to this different way of thinking and looking at the world so they might avoid many of the pitfalls I have dealt with over my 40 years?" I believe every parent wants this for their kids though I think many don't know how to show it. So I came across this book and figured I'd read it to see what it has to say and whether I might be able to apply any of it's knowledge to help me with teaching my kids. What I've found is that not only has it given me insight on how to expose my kids to this knowledge but it has taught me many great lessons....the interesting thing is many of these lessons I have previously read about in several other books. Yet, the simplicity of how Deepak is telling the story of his experiences with a man know as "Baba" (which in India means a man of great knowledge) is enlightening.

So, what has inspired me to post since I haven't written or posted for quite some time? Well, the book obviously has. But specifically a passage on pages 126-128 where Deepak is describing what he learned from one of Baba's teachings concerning loving yourself. It perked my interest mainly when he speaks about Hero's and how Baba tells him that he can "tell a great deal about someone's whole life from who they secretly want to be." This would be a person's Hero's...those who you aspire to be, whom you look up to, and those who's quests you follow. This being a place in your imagination at the mythic level.

Your Hero's may be real or imaginary and Deepak suggests picking 3 of your Hero's, writing them down then listing 3 qualities you admire in each one. These qualities are said to be "a mission from your mythic level. Your soul wants you to perform this mission in your lifetime by displaying the qualities you listed. Since they come from the mythic level, each on is in you, planted like a seed for the future." Well, anyone who knows me well enough would know this IMMEDIATELY got my attention. So I thought, ok, let's do it. I closed the book, closed my eyes and asked my self, "Who are my Hero's?" And immediately the first one popped into my mind...and the other 2 quickly followed....don't laugh....here we go...

1. Snoopy

Why Snoopy?, I asked myself. What qualities do I admire in Snoopy....

Carefree, Playful, Loving

hmmmm....

2. Luke Skywalker

I hooked onto Star Wars early....when the first movie came out back in um....1982? I'm not a freak Star Wars buff but I soooooo enjoyed the story back then and a couple years ago after discovering Joseph Campbell's books and The Power Of Myth, and finding out that Lucas wrote Star Wars based largely on the teachings of myth and the teachings of Joseph Campbell (as they were great friends), well....let's just say after watching the first 3 again I "heard" the message beneath the story line. It was fantastic! Anyone who knows me also can understand the connection I made with Luke searching for the knowledge of his parents. Obvious connection there, no doubt. 3 qualities...

Courageous, Dedicated, Quest For Knowledge

3. Barry Enzman

Barry (or Mr. E as we all knew him best) was my high school band director. I've written before of some of the experiences I had in band that were early messages being sent to me about where my path is wanting me to go. It wasn't like I was this "star student" or anything. In fact, I was pretty much average...just another band student. But Barry taught me lessons that I will never, ever forget. 2 occasions that stand out to me that made me feel so good were both at concerts. One was him simply announcing me after I played a Vibraphone solo at a jazz band concert (my first solo that I can't believe came off well as I was shaking terribly and my heart was literally pounding in my throat!)....and the other was during what I think was our jazz band fundraiser concert before we went to Switzerland....again, a simple compliment, "On percussion and vibes, a guy that sets up the lights, the audio...does everything for us...Kevin Thomas." Wow! To be noticed and recognized by someone you admire....that meant everything. As simple as it may have been to him at the time, I can still hear those exact moments. 3 qualities....

Inspiring, Passionate, A Commitment To Excellence (our band motto)

Looking over these qualities, I can see many that I really embrace, a couple that I don't do at all (carefree, playful) and others that pretty much define me (quest for knowledge, passionate). Yet, with all I've read and studied and supposedly "learned" I still am unable to fully apply it to my home life or my search for my birthparents.

Why?

Lucky You - promotional video

2008-11-05T09:53:00.004-04:00

Hey all....please check out the promo video we recently produced...pass it on, post it to your blogs, do what-eva you want with it...thanks for the support!

Link out to our site - http://luckyyou.me

blah, yadda, blah

2008-07-27T23:46:00.003-04:00

I've been doing quite well since the trip home. Guess it was bound to crash back down. hmmm...how did I attract this?

In the past, my cycle was get involved, get too involved, get depressed, pull back. Damn I hated that. So, I don't wanna do that this time. I would run for that train to take me underground and hide out till the coast was clear. i'm just so tired of that. So interesting how I've been "preaching" to learn to live with and love thyself before love will find you....hmmmm....was quite lovin' myself until this evening. WTF?

So, what to do what to do. Ah yes, BOURBON! LOL Mr. Beam never lets me down in times like these. Helps me forget the present and wake up to a new day.

If only it could be Bourbon St. That was so much fun. Life is supposed to be that way, no doubt.

I've written a bunch of stuff since I returned. The night after I got back I was up till after 3am writing a song that just needed written...but I came up against block and had to stop. Thankfully Ryan heard some other parts and it'll move forward after today.

The other stuff...well, it's just writing ya know....it may show up somewhere. It's been an emotional rollercoaster. The week being capped off by Ryan jumping in to the new project so it's now official. Saturday morning while reading his email (which included a song he and Todd had worked on then used my words for lyrics) I just cried....simply cried. I've dreamed about an opportunity like this since I was 4 years old. I have no idea why. I just remember dreaming of being on a big stage, performing music and making people happy....."to forget about life for awhile." Thank you Jimmy.

So there's no real point to this post. Just babble. Hours of yard work today just kinda pissed me off. No reason really. Just because. It needed done. I know that. But, I'm just so tired of doing it. Time for a change. Would love to throw a dart at a map but I'm so very much looking forward to this new band.....we've got so many stars and planets in alignment it's scary.

So very fortunate to be able to follow my bliss. Music is without a doubt my muse. Whether listening, writing, arranging, recording, performing or discussing....it gets me through. Thank you Joseph Campbell. You and my high school band director as well as my college jazz band director simply saved my life. Period.

Why does society make everyone think they have to do this or that? Why does society scare people into not listening to their hearts? I'm SOOOOOO sick of feeling obligated....fuck that. I'm so ready to just be me. I kinda like me. But the more I'm me, the more fucked up it gets. But I can't turn back.

I tried to process that whole sucker punch episode.....and ya know what I've realized? That was the first time in my entire life that I was able to BE me....and those peeps just plain "got it." We didn't have to explain it. It was just understood. No judgement. No debate. No obligation. No play happy. And when I left them, I just fuckin hated it.

My mom might read this so I wanna say this has nuttin to do with her. But ya know, adoption sux. I don't know how it could have been any different tho. As many of us discussed it's the secrecy factor that has fucked everything up. It has nothing to do with adoptive parents or even birth parents when it all comes down to it. Everyone's got issues....no doubt. Everyone has shit to deal with in life so I'm not saying adoptees have it worse. I'm just saying this secrecy thing is fuckin bullshit. THAT's what is fucked up.

Fuck it....where's that bourbon? Time to wake up to a new day.

Ebbs and Flows

2008-07-27T22:19:00.002-04:00

I often wonder if the tide ebbs and flows more drastically for us fish people (Pisces).

So much to write, so little desire to.

I'm living the wrong life.

Freakin' SUCKER PUNCHED!

2008-07-23T20:28:00.002-04:00

How FUCKED up is this? So I spent an incredible couple of days in New Orleans for the Adoptees Rights Demonstration.....met soooooooo many simply wonderful people. Barely slept, spent tons of time (and money) on Bourbon Street listening to some freakin amazing bands....the whole event was just incredible. I had feared that I would struggle being around so many adoptees (as I’ve never been in the company of many that are my peeps).....but it was very cool....fun, joyous, healing, laughter, dancing, hugs, warm fuzzies all around. I met so many that I had “known” simply by their blogs and internet forums and IMMEDIATELY connected! Fucking blew my mind! Like we’d all been family forever (which, actually is true).

So, after this incredible experience the time came to return home. Michelle and I shared a cab to the airport and hung out a bit before my flight. (Note...I’m still taking all this in stride at this point...nothing really emotional) Then the time came for me to board. Michelle and I hugged and WHAMMMM!!!!!!!! Out of fuckin left/right/outside the ballpark it hit me.....a HUGE well of emotion just snuck up on me fuckin knocked me out! Sucker punched like never before. WTF is this, I thought? (am I using the word fuck too much? fuck it...it worx and is quite appropriate for the moment...besides I like that word!)

So I go into the restroom and my insides are freakin shakin, my heart pounding, my eyes swollen....nice...and now I have to get on a plane full of people that just DON”T FUCKIN GET IT! Motherfucker! I’m usually a calm, peaceful type but this is fuckin bullshit. Adoption is SOOOOOOOO fucked up! I didn’t “think” myself into this emotion...it just took my ass and laid me out blind sided. fucker!

I’m sittin on the plane tryin everything in my peaceful, self-help, yoga inspired meditative skills to calm down. Yet no matter what I do the liquid decides to run from my eyes....just fuckin great! “No...I’m fine....just allergic to planes...” yeah...fuck em....sunglasses will help.

Why the FUCK didn’t this happen this morning or last night (especially when I was drunk?) when I was surrounded by those who would understand and help me thru. fuck, fuck, fuckin motherfucker! Thank GAWD for text messaging and for Stewie still being available. At least helped pacify me and let me accept that this is a common/normal experience. How fuckin unfair what you just did and are still doing to me Mr/Ms Universe!!

So what to do....i’m stuck on a plane. fucker. hmm...iPod with LOUD fuckin rock might help. And just guess what the first song is that comes up...Rise Above This by Seether. Very FUCKIN funny! Thank you VERY fuckin much AGAIN Mr/Ms Universe. Is this “Fuck with KT Day” or sumthin? Gawddammit! I work every second of my life to improve, grow, rise above but this is just un-FUCKING-fair.

Maybe it was the rock music from my iPod but suddenly the emotion turned angry (I know...you would’ve never guessed that, right? LOL) So now I’m on plane thousands of feet above the Earth, full of emotion, welled up eyes, bull-fucking-frog in my throat and suddenly Mr. Anger shows up. Just fucking lovely.

Land in Charlotte, NC and walking to connecting flight. Just want SOOOO badly to scream out “Emotional, PISSED OFF adoptee coming through. Get the FUCK outta my way!” yeah, i’m peaceful alright. Sheesh.

Double Expresso at Starbucks might help. LOL

Stewie and Kali are still in New Orleans and asked me to call which was cool....so good to have others that “get it” to talk to....priceless. In fact I’m thinkin we need a commune of sort for adoptees only to live so we can be surrounded by support. Cuz the whole bitch about this is while this is/was happening inside I couldn’t vent it. I know what to do to vent it out....I have a number of ways...but NOOOOO it happens when I can’t vent and makes me wait. I guess when I finally get to Hburg and close the door to my truck for the 1hr 15min drive home, Mr. Fugly Cry will be waiting for me. Yes, you heard it....a 40 yr old guy cries...and it’s quite Fugly when it happens (yet rare that it happens). Then of course SOMETHING has to receive the energy....it’s gotta transfer into something. I can’t channel it into the drums when i’m driving and my kit is 70 miles away. Gawd help the poor mofo that might cut me off or pull out in front of me. LOL

Text messaging is helpful but not a replacement for the energy and response from someone who really understands. But thankfully I have some peeps now to at least contact and get an answer for “WTF is going on with me?”

There’s a song brewin...I’ve been feeling it for several months but it hasn’t showed up yet. It’s an angry rock song....maybe this will at least bring it out cuz I damn sure need it to vent out.

FUCK!!!!

Adoptee Rights Demonstration

2008-06-24T21:58:00.003-04:00

Haven't been able to get back to writing....maybe some time again.

Still considering attending this...but not sure.

http://adopteerights.net/nulliusfilius/

namaste.

truth....IS there an answer?

2008-03-06T09:57:00.003-04:00

I'm reading "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose" by Eckhart Tolle and I thought I might share a wonderful passage that I read this morning.

-- In Zen they say: "Don't seek the truth. Just cease to cherish opinions." What does that mean? Let go of identification with your mind. Who you are behind the mind then emerges by itself.--

This is rattling me to no end....and by what this book is conveying, that rattling is my ego holding on to what it knows and what it wants. As an adoptee, our search is a search for truth. But now, from reading this, I cannot help but ask my-self what I am to do now? The statement above makes sooooooooo much sense and I understand it logically. Yet then is my holding onto my desire for truth (my search) then holding me back from "BEING?" Is there a difference between a person (or a spirit) that knows their roots and a person who does not being able to just "be?" Can an adoptee that does not know their roots just "be?" Is it the ego (as this book so eloquently describes) then that is interfering and keeping us from having peace, joy and happiness? Or is this a primordial characteristic that we have?

This has honestly got me stuck.....I don't even know where to search for an answer! If I look within for the answer, if I listen, the answer remains that we adoptees must know before true peace is achieved at heart. So, the question remains.....is that the ego creating that condition? Is that the self-talk? The mind babble? What IS the answer? IS there an answer?

Eckhart and Oprah - A New Earth

2008-03-04T10:11:00.000-04:00

First, thank you Oprah and Eckhart! The message that you are bringing to the world at large is simply wonderful and the collective energy will surely rise.

Second, to everyone "complaining...," 242 Gbps traveled through the internet last night....all across the world! That's incredible! And has not been done before. Regardless of the issues some may have experienced (as I did), this has pushed the envelope for the tech industry and will have an effect on SOOOO much more of how our world is connected.

Has anyone stopped to reflect that this is (as far as I know) the first time in our planet's history that a message has been communicated to a significantly large portion of the population of the WORLD at the same moment? There have been great teachings all across our world by a number of great teachers throughout the planet's history but they've all been limited to "group size" at that moment of presenting their message. I'm not sure if I am describing this well enough but the collective effect of this is beyond scope. This was a positive message for the greater good of humanity that was delivered ALL ACROSS the world at the same moment by messengers....not interpreted or redistributed by others and passed on thus possibly experiencing the he said/she said effect.

This was undeniably a HUGE advancement in our world culture and I am just so thankful to have been apart of it, to been aware of it and to be excited about what may come of it! It's as if we were working towards awareness that we ARE ONE and OF the Earth.

Thank you!!

namaste.

In your court

2008-02-28T09:12:00.002-04:00

So, here I am approaching that day once again....are you reading this? It surely wouldn't be difficult to find this. A simple Google search of the name you were informed that I was given. This will be only the 10th actual day since we were separated. 10 days. 40 years.

I've spent the past year reading, viewing, applying and trying to grow self. I've been in a personal coaching program since September. I've read more books than I did in my entire school education (grade and college). What has it done for me? I just don't know anymore. The more I've learned, the more I've "grown", the more I've found peace and grace within.....the more distance has been created between everything else.....everything. So has it been worth it? I just don't have an answer.

My studio is being finished. Certainly a present to myself. I'll get a post or picture blog going here soon to show the progress. It's actually so very exciting and a cool thing about it is a fellow artist is who is doing the work so he "gets it" when I describe what I'm trying to create with the room. LOL....at least someone doesn't think I'm crazy....or maybe he's just as crazy! Quite possibly both. Regardless, it's been a welcomed distraction to focus on this creative space...to visualize....to dream. I can see the whole room finished already....have for some time. And to have someone who "gets it" be the one who also is building it, helping to create it is a wonderful energy that is being created already in that space. Just as a cake made with pure, unconditional love tastes so much better than one purchased at a store.

The plan is to head to the mountains this evening and get the camp ready (warm) for the wife and kids to arrive tomorrow. We'll spend the weekend there. Not sure what we'll do. No video games, no internet, no others. I hope it warms up enough to take a walk in the woods....does wonders for the soul.

As anyone who knows me we tell, this time of year has always been a struggle. 6 months ago I decided that I would view this year different. Utilizing this now known of and recognized Law Of Attraction I would create what I wanted. I had planned on throwing myself a big celebration. As I put it, "kick the door down into the 40's" instead of loathe that they arrived. I've heard so often that the 40's are great so why not hit them square between the eyes to start off. I put all these goals out, visualized them, believed them, felt them.....just as all this LOA schtuff claims. I wanted to release my first album at the big celebration that I would throw on Feb 29th and looked forward to giving out a copy to everyone.

What happened?

No album.

No celebration.

No kicking the door.

Hope, belief, desire, wishes, dreams....notta.

Change? Yes. But none of which I wanted. So by the explanations of everyone, somehow this LOA gave me what I asked for...yet I didn't ask for what I now have...I've received the absolute opposite of what I attempted to attract into my life. And even I cannot figure out why.

Maybe there's some primal, universal, cosmic reason....for the life of me I cannot figure out what it is or why it is. I believe everything comes to us to teach us lessons. What is this lesson? I cannot find the positive in it even though I've looked inside every corner of this lesson to find it.

So the ball remains in your court. I'm flush out of ideas. Out of game plan. No power bars or gatorade left on the bench to refuel the player. No more motivational speeches from the coach to get me back in the game. All you have to do is one simple move......

Answer.

"Something's Missing" - John Mayer

I'm not alone, I wish I was.
Cause then I'd know, I was down because
I couldn't find, a friend around
To love me like, they do right now.
They do right now.

I'm dizzy from the shopping malls
I searched for joy, but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

When autumn comes, it doesnt ask.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart:

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
Something's different
And i don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is

2-14-08 iMix

2008-02-15T09:55:00.002-04:00

Music is the energy of the universe...

And, of course, Apple knows how to connect.

My first iMix.

http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewIMix?id=274170483

When to teach a lesson

2008-02-14T09:44:00.002-04:00

It seems that somehow when kids turn 10 years of age (boys at least in my case) they completely lose their brains. My oldest son is 10 and I'm not just "parent bragging" this kid is smart....very sharp indeed (must get it from his mother....LOL). Yet for as sharp as he is it has become increasingly more difficult for him to USE his brain talent!

Case in point this morning. It is Valentine's Day and the past 2 days school has been closed due to weather (we finally got some snow here in Central PA). I got the kids their Valentine's to give to their classmates on Monday evening when I got the groceries. They sat down on Tuesday with their mom and filled out all the cards, placed them in a bag and put them in their backpacks so that they would remember to take them to school. All set, right?

Well, this morning about a couple minutes after the kids got on the bus for school, as I was picking up the house and folding the blankets, etc in the living room (my family has been home for 2 days....the house is near totaled!) I noticed a plastic bag on the rocking chair RIGHT NEXT to the front door where the kids wait for the bus. Sure enough it was his bag of Valentine's that WAS in his backpack. For some unknown reason he removed it from his backpack and set it on the chair....where it remained.

So what does one do at this point? As a father of a 10 year old son who is consistently "forgetting" things, I wonder if this is an opportune time to teach a lesson.....responsibility for one's own stuff! It's not "my" fault that he left them on the chair. If I wasn't a stay-at-home, work-from-home dad and had (as many like to refer to it) a "real job," (yuk) then he'd be SOL. Do they rely on me too much and thus not take enough responsibility? Is it the "daddy's home, he'll take care of it" or "daddy's the safety net for me screwing up"...?? I pondered if this is that moment when that hard lesson could be learned. He'd be sitting in class, the teacher declares it time to pass out everyone's Valentine's, he goes to his backpack (which btw he has already removed his books from and STILL didn't notice anything missing) and suddenly realizes he doesn't have his to exchange. How would he feel if he couldn't give? I can imagine I would feel like such a heal that I was receiving and not giving simply because I left my brain in bed this morning. To top it off, he couldn't even give them tomorrow...or even Monday....it would be next Tuesday before he could exchange them as there is a Winter Break this weekend. So....what does one do in this situation? Teach a lesson or bail them out? Decisions, decisions....

So what did I do, you ask?

LOL....I'm weak! I got in the truck and drove out to his school to deliver them. Did I miss an opportunity to teach a lesson? Maybe.

One could choose to look at this in different ways. I'm choosing to view it as I'm thankful that I have situated my life that I have the ability to serve my family when in need. Maybe the lesson I was able to teach today was one of giving. That I didn't scold him or criticize him for forgetting. That I taught him the lesson of serving ones children.....serving one's family.

I think so.

Quote's..

2008-02-05T18:06:00.000-04:00

Some interesting quote's that have seemed to find me today.

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds...
- Einstein

To be conscious that we are perceiving or thinking is to be conscious of our own existence.
- Aristotle

Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.
- Confucius

The better part of one's life consists of his friendships.
-Abraham Lincoln

And today's horoscope -
You don't have to live a double life just because your sign is symbolized by two fish. Your interests are so varied that others may have a hard time keeping up with you. No matter what you appear to be doing, your real focus now should be on your inner world as you explore uncharted areas of your imagination.

The Passing of a Friend

2008-01-07T06:26:00.000-04:00

I've been tossing over in bed for the past 45 minutes so I finally gave in to the force that was trying to get me out of bed at 4:45am on a Monday morning. That and the song "Shed a Little Light" by James Taylor (on his Copperline album...fantastic album, btw...check it out) had been playing over and over in my mind. Ok, Ok...I give....I'll get to the keyboard! (of course, anyone who has dogs knows that once you even give off the "vibe" that you are awake, they are right there as if to say "where we goin? Let's go!"

This past Friday morning, January 4, 2008 at around 10:30am, a very dear friend of ours passed away. He died one day before his 86th birthday. Abbie (full name Albert Farrell....most knew him as Abbie or Ab) was such a wonderful, kind-hearted man and (as my wife remarked) we highly doubt there was a "mean bone" in his body or even any type of negative thought or expression. The man always had a smile (even after his hip replacement surgery) and never did I hear him talk badly about someone or even about some thing. Just a remarkable person.

We moved into this house (our first purchased home, that is) in July of 2001 when our youngest son was only 6 months old. Abbie and Annie (his wife) were the first to greet and welcome us. I can remember his smile that day and his genuine welcome to our family as being new neighbors. Each day as we were moving in and for many, many days thereafter we would return a wave and greeting...most times as he was on his way to his woodshop or on his way back into the house calling it a day. Not long after we moved in, we started noticing Annie would tell us the same story and sometimes everyday as if we'd never heard it before and we commented that something just seemed wrong. It wasn't long until we heard that Annie had developed Alzheimer's Disease and Abby had to place her in a home where she could receive the care and attention needed. I don't recall the exact number of years they were married but I'm pretty sure is was in the 50+ range. How incredibly difficult it had to be to spend that many years with a person and for them to end up not knowing who you are. Yet, near everyday he could, he went to visit her and spend time with her. All the while, still returning to his woodshop each day....surely his sacred place. After her passing, it was a while before we saw him back in his shop. He said once that he just didn't feel like doing it much anymore. We were very glad to see one day that changed and again he returned to his place....he later told me that he didn't know how he would've got through losing her without his shop and his work.

Not long after we moved in, Abbie gave me a handful of cassettes after learning that I was a musician and performing in the local venues. I graciously accepted them and gave a listen. It was classic jazz with guitar. At one point I realized it was Ab playing guitar. And then he would tell me different stories of how he performed with local players back in the 50's & 60's. He was telling me stories of players and some of their experiences and I realized I was living those stories in my era. Every now and then I would be outside and would hear him picking away at his guitar and/or mandolin. So cool, I thought, that he finds solace in music still at this age and continues to be active instead of just sitting in front of the "plug-in drug" all the time.

One of the first times I visited inside his woodshop I was just utterly amazed. A modest sized garage full of woodcarving and cutting machines, handsaws and hundreds of hand tools and the smell of woodshavings that lay on the floor. Excitedly (and rightfully proud) he showed me around and I admired the rare hand-craftsmanship of kids rocking chairs, regular chairs, wooden train sets (which he so graciously gave a set to each of my sons), wooden jeeps, napkin holders and many repairs of precious furniture that folks would bring to him in need of repair. Words cannot truly justify the beauty and precision of which this man carved wood. Wheels for the trains and jeeps were not just round enough, they were PERFECT! They were not purchased from a factory stock either, these were genuinely carved by Ab.

At different times, I would go over with some small repair and so effortlessly Abby would fix it right up. When my oldest son joined Cub Scouts and we were building our first Pinewood Derby car, we asked Ab if he could cut out the design from the block and show my son how these machines and tools performed. I remember Zachary saying something to the sort of, "Wow. Ab sure is good with wood!" Yes, he was.

Each day he'd be in his shop carving, fixing, sanding. Standing or sitting at his workbench in front of a large window that looked out across his backyard and mine. Although we had 2 dogs, a fenced in backyard and live in a very safe area, it was still a comfort to know that a set of eyes were keeping watch over the kids as they would play in the yard. And he would regularly comment on how he enjoyed watching the kids (and dogs) play while he worked and was thankful that our dogs noticed when someone would pull into his driveway or drop by a new repair or pickup. Abbie's hearing had deteriorated over the years so our dogs would "notify" him of someone's arrival.

When I was growing up, I recall my parents lending a hand to neighbors and them returning the same when we were in need. Someone helping dad fix the water heater or mom giving haircuts. A wonderful lesson learned without actually knowing it. So when it snowed and I was out plowing, I didn't even think about it and plowed out Ab's drive along with mine (and whomever else needed). When we lived in the old farm house, our Mennonite neighbor would just show up and dig out our long lane. I would offer to compensate and one time even asked his wife if I could pay her for his kindness. She too denied simply saying, "We're just glad to have great neighbors." Hmm. For about the first year or so Ab would always try to pay me to which I of course denied and without even thinking about it said, "That's what neighbors do." No reason, just because. We weren't "trading time or favors." This is just what we do. Period.

As my 2 sons continued to grow, I cannot begin to explain the life lessons they have learned having Abbie as a neighbor. They saw the kind respect and help we offered each other as well as simply learning to communicate with someone 75 years their senior. How many kids today do you know that will even talk to anyone 10 years different of their age. There's so much one can learn from another.

Several years ago we noticed Abbie having more and more trouble walking. Every morning as the kids were waiting to get the bus we see Ab walk across the street using his cane more and more to assist him in fetching the morning paper. He finally decided to talk advantage of modern medicine and we learned that he would get his hip replaced. So we started retrieving his morning paper and placing it inside his front door each morning and he would place the previous days paper there for us to take. And we started taking care of his yardwork....again, it was just something you do. It wasn't something we thought about. I enjoy cutting grass. Somedays I would go cut the grass at our camp, come home cut Ab's grass and then cut ours. When we were without our mower for a time while it was repaired, Abby made sure we used his...even purchasing a new one when his broke (while I was using it too!). Our kids would help out doing what they could but more importantly they were learning to be neighbors and learning lessons that one cannot just teach or "tell" a child.....life lessons.

There are so many memories....as I'm sure many experience in these similar situations. This Christmas was the last we actually saw Ab. He stopped over bringing presents for the kids (Rubik's cubes which they loved!) and visited for a while. We, as most parents, were running around trying to get things ready for the day of travel and visiting with families but we were glad to have visited and felt bad for not being able to visit longer. But we're thankful that we spent the time we did.

New Year's Eve morning, around maybe 8am or so we received a call from our neighbor a couple doors down asking if we knew what happened to Abbie. What? We said. Somehow, I missed the ambulance as I had just set out the garbage for pick-up and apparently was in the basement when it arrived to pick him up. We made some calls and found he had called 911, his friend Virginia and his son Ben. He was going to get an earful from us for not calling us as we would've been over to wait with him but apparently by the time he made those couple calls, the ambulance was already there.

It turned out he had experienced a heart attack and was in quite a bit of pain. They sent him to Harrisburg and he had a couple stints put in. Funny story and typical Abbie....apparently on the way to the hospital, the EMT asked him "on a scale from 1-10, where does the pain rank?" Well, Abbie told Marcene later, "My first thought was to tell her 13....but I didn't want to scare her." LOL Just like Abbie to think of others even at a time of extreme pain. Such a lesson there.

I believe it was Thursday the 4th that we received a called from Ben (Abbie's son) letting us know that it looked like Abbie would be home on Saturday....and Saturday was his birthday (he'd be 86). We were a bit surprised that he would be home that soon but nonetheless began to think of celebrating his birthday. Unfortunately and to our shocking surprise, on Friday morning about noon time I received a call from Marcene stating Abbie had passed away that morning around 10:30am. I guess they moved him to a different area (typical procedure) after he showed improvement but his kidney's began to fail after being removed from the machine and soon after his heart just wasn't strong enough and he passed away.

My heart literally sunk. It was an odd feeling and that lump in my throat came quick. I sat there in disbelief. It never crossed our minds that we wouldn't see him again. We felt just as if we had lost a member of our family....and we did. We weren't "related" in the current definition of that but as I believe, we are all one and we had become close to Abbie over the past several years checking in on him and helping him in any way we could....because that's just what you do.

The viewing was on Sunday night and we decided this would be something our kids should experience. They had taken it fairly hard...both crying for a bit....as Abbie was a sort of grandpap to them too. So we thought it would be a good thing for them to be able to visit the family and say goodbye to Abbie.

Viewings are weird vibes for me. I stood in line and could fell the uneasy-ness of the room. Sadness and meant well happiness of stories told....people think they should be strong or want to express their feelings and are not sure how....ugh....such a mixed up vibe in the room. It overwhelmed me a bit and when it was finally our turn in line, we just all cried as we hugged Ben and Marcene. We felt almost as if we were his kids too....I mean no disrespect saying that but it was just what we felt and it was actually an honor to be referred to as "family." We never really thought of it that way...we just thought of being good neighbors and friends.

The funeral was nice. Reverend Longfield had been a friend of Abbie's for a long time spending time with him at his house telling stories, playing guitar and planning out a custom built mandolin. I can't imagine how a reverend can do that for a friend but then I imagine it too is sort of an honor for a friend to carry out the service. I hadn't felt that lump in my throat or cried over a loss since losing Jamie back in 1991. Whew....

It's been almost a week now since Abbie's funeral....Ben and Marcene have been cleaning out the house, going through things and giving away items to those who want. We didn't realize how much Abbie had given us over the years of the wooden items he made....children's rocking chairs, children's little table chairs, the little recipe holder duck "thing", a circular lazy susan type thing that holds the salt and pepper, etc, the napkin holder that looks like a ships mast, each of the boys received trains (amazing craftsmanship on those things), the step stool that I sit on to put on my shoes in the basement and I'm sure there's other's that I'm forgetting. So giving he was.

It's difficult to explain how we just didn't realize how much of a friend we had living next door. We simply helped "because." But we were helping a friend and he was helping us. Neither of us really realizing it at the time (well, meaning we didn't consciously "think" that we were helping, we were just doing). The lessons he taught our boys are ones that you cannot describe but they are many. The lessons in kindness that he taught us too are life lessons. But isn't it interesting that we don't realize these things as we are experiencing them. So caught up in our own day to day lives...rarely slowing down to take a look around and be grateful.

When I moved here, I would never have guessed that I would've made such friends with a man twice my age. Now that I have experienced it, I've realized that the age had no factor in it....age is something we have created a label for. The body does lose it's energy but this notion of age groups being separate is ridiculous. I must also admit that all too often I asked why I was living here....why had my path put me here. So often frustrated with the area and the people here. Never did I feel that with Abbie. And now I know "why" my path brought me here....simply to learn these lessons.

Thanks, Abbie. Your friendship is cherished. May you be at peace. As Gandolf said, "This is not the end. Death is just another path. A path we all must take."

namaste, my friend.

Thick As Thieves - please support!

2007-10-19T09:12:00.000-04:00

Hi folks....here's something we're been spending some time on. Please check it out and leave a comment. The more interest the more potential for exposure. thx!

My Story....

2007-08-26T11:08:00.000-04:00

I haven't updated my adoption schtuff for awhile....actually have been kinda ignoring it...but a recent assignment from my personal coach has pretty much revived my search so I've gone through and assembled everything I know. If you have any information or may have any ideas, please feel free to email me, leave a comment of call the numbers at the end.

Details of my adoption story and search:

I have already jumped through all the hoops with Montgomery County Social Services in Maryland’s Adoption Reunion program. I had a Confidential Intermediary and she has found and spoken to both b-parents...b-mom/natural mom/first mom said she understood my interest, would answer any questions I had and would re-connect but neither has re-contacted my CI (she found them about 4 years ago) and CI said she was not permitted to contact them anymore. I asked CI if I could write a letter, send it to her and then if she would mail it to b-parents. CI said she's not permitted to do that and claims she checked with their "legal people" and they said that she is not allowed to. So, there it ended. In my registration with the Maryland program, I had to write a letter to my b-parents and I did. I do not know if they ever received it.

- DOB: February 29, 1968 (Leap Day Baby!)

- Place: Washington, DC

- Original "Amended" Birth Certificate No. 68 4224

- I requested a "new" birth Certificate several years ago and it came back with a 108- in front of the above number.

Date filed: March 7, 1968.

"New" amended birth certificate also has a handwritten number on it at the top center....02292452...the first 4 numbers match my birthdate.

- amended birth certificate lists Paul H. Rubens as delivering doctor (not specifically noted as an M.D. after his name so may not be an doctor)...born at 7:24am

- no hospital listing on amended birth certificate...search angel believes that I was most likely then born in a maternity home...we’re thinking it was the Florence Crittenton Home of DC...this is an educated “hunch” though...not definite

- was in foster care with Annie & Dick (real name George) Carrico for 8 months following birth...I found and met them through a mutual friend of my a-parents...Annie has since passed away...they had sold Watkins Products for several years

- foster care code name "Tate"...Annie & Dick called me "Georgie"

- my parents are very supportive of my search and have given me everything they have as far as documents and information. My mom was literally stunned when I told her I wasn’t permitted to my view my original records. She said, “I was told by the adoption agency when we got you that once you reached 18 years old you could get all of your information.” (ugh...)

- adopted through Maryland Department of Social Services

- Lawyer who handled adoption for my a-parents was Dale L. Button....7424 Wisconsin Ave. Bethesda, MD 20014 Ph: 652-4678 (info in 1968)

- The final adoption decree is dated May 28, 1969. Proceedings were in the Circuit Court for Montgomery County, Maryland. Adoption Equity No. 4457

- Confidential intermediary - Helen Clark, Social Worker with Montgomery Co.

- b-parents were 17 at the time...would place them around 57 years old now.

- bmom recently went thru a divorce...she knows at least my first name (CI told her)

- bmom has another son (my half brother)...unsure of age

- Helen (CI) thought bmom was in mortuary business (no idea why)

- bmom is NOT on East coast

- bdad IS on East coast but not in VA, MD, DC or PA

- I registered with ISRR on Aug 4, 1997

- I asked CI about the code name “Tate” and she said she didn't know but that the last name was not Tate. She said that she would answer questions for me if I asked the “right ones” but that she couldn't offer any info....for example, if I called and asked if my bmom's name was "blank" she would say yes or no. But, my records are now "resealed" as she put it.

- I have no intentions of intruding or interrupting someone's life. I have a life...I have a mom and dad. But, as any adoptee knows, I just want to know and would like to finally have those "roots."

- My gut feeling is that my bmom is merely scared. And I know in my heart that if I could break through just a small break, that I could take away that fear. I tried telling my CI this....didn't help. Helen, my CI, is someone who punches a time clock...not someone who really cares about the job she has.

- My CI said that when she told my bmom that she had found my bdad, bmom said "Wow, that's surprising. I can't believe you found him." My CI spoke to my bdad on 2 occasions and both times he stated that he "couldn't speak right now and that he would call her back when he could." He never has.

- A very good friend and search angel believes there may be a small loophole in my search. We did not know of any birth siblings until my CI first spoke to my b-mom. We now know I have a half brother. We believe that the search program allows for contact of “any” birth relatives. I was not given the option to contact my half brother and have a call into Social Services to request this. Although we do not know his age, I am taking a shot to see what may come from this.

=======

Non-ID information:
(this info was sent to me March 30, 1995...the first time I registered with Maryland and they had an intern named Becky McLaughlin send me this)

The birth delivery was full term, low forceps, without difficulty, although you cried after one minute, resuscitation needed. You weighed 6 lbs., 12.5 oz, measured 19 inches in length, head measured 14 1/4, chest measured 11 1/4, and had an APGAR of 6/9. A PKU was administered with negative results.

The birth mother's medical condition is reported as occasionally hay fever, otherwise in good health. she was a white, American Protestant with blue/gray eyes, red hair, fair skin with freckles. she was 4'11'' in height and 97 pounds in weight. The putative father's medical condition was reported as in good health. He was a white, American mormon with brown eyes, brown hair, and fair skin. He was 5'9” in height and 165 pounds in weight. Other information about the maternal and paternal extended family is as follows:

The birth mother's mother had high blood pressure. She was a white American.
The birth mother's father's medical history states he had a ruptured disc, unknown problems with tingling in his hands, experienced hay fever, and a laminectomy. He was a white American.
The birth father's mother was a white American. No medical history given.

=======

A-parents are: Barbara C. and Melvin P. Thomas, Jr.

Address of my a-parents at the time of adoption was:

3520 Farthing Drive
Wheaton, MD

My mom gave me everything she had. She had a handwritten note from when she received the call about me. It has the following info:

Washington DC born....lists birth info (weight, length) and bmom and bdad weight/height...age of both was 17 years old......next to bmom has 1 of 4 children...next to bdad info has 1 of 8

Other tidbits:

- I'm 39, married, with 2 sons and a german shepherd. Our pediatrician told us that the chances of us getting a girl were incredibly slim since the genes on my side are so strong. My boys are true "mini-me's". Which tells me my b-dad is quite likely the same.

- I have been a stay-at-home dad for 10 years.

- My occupation is musician/writer (drums/percussion being my main instrument)

- I studied sound recording technology and music performance in college

- I spent 3 years in therapy trying to figure everything out

- I have been practicing Iyengar Yoga for 7 years

- I've read many of the adoption books. Adoption Healing is the book that made me realize I needed therapy.

- I have been a member of the AIML list probably since it started since I've been on the internet since before it was the web. I was at one time a member of Bastard Nation. I am currently a board member of Adoption Forum, Inc. (http://www.adoptionforum.org) but will most likely be stepping down soon. I am also a co-founder of Honesty In Adoption (http://www.honestyinadoption.org).

My current contact info is:

Kevin Brent Thomas
490 Honey Creek Road
Reedsville, PA 17084
ph: 717-667-9726
cell: 717-994-6380
e: kevin@kevinthomas.org
web: http://kevinthomas.org
blog: http://kevin229.blogspot.com/

I also write a blog for Mifflin County Living http://mifflincountyliving.com/wordpress/

Updated - Aug. 26, 2007.

Sacrifice and Bliss

2007-08-14T00:02:00.000-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfTm6XM1OkI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrZt4W3PdRs

Throat Chakra Dis-ease

2007-08-13T23:02:00.000-04:00

So I have been struggling with a sore throat in the evenings the past couple days. I once heard that a sore throat meant you had something to say but couldn't. So, I did some searching and found a wonderful site called askahealer.com...here's a question/answer specific to my issue....(with all due credit)

==
Question on spiritual healing: I had a reading telling me that my Throat Chakra was clogged or blocked. How do I remedy this? And is sore throat or tonsillitis a sign that the throat chakra is out of balance?

Healing facilitation response: Spiritually speaking, the throat chakra quite literally corresponds to communication challenges. So, in the view of the spiritual healing facilitator, problems with the throat area are seen as indicative of some problem with expression.

Energetic throat chakra congestion can eventually be followed up by literal throat problems - excessive phlegm in the throat, frequent sore throat, difficulty swallowing, etc. Of course, frequent sore throat or tonsillitis can also point to related physical problems including post nasal drip, chronic sinusitis, allergies, eustachean tube drainage or even throat cancer so, once a spiritual imbalance manifests as a physical imbalance, it is important to see your chosen healthcare professional.

Before manifesting as physical imbalance, a throat chakra imbalance can be sensed as an unexplained tightness in the throat, a feeling of restriction. It can also manifest in our communication struggles. Anyone with major communication issues, whether those are expressing thru inappropriate expression (anger, rage, bitterness, etc.) or lack of expression (shutting down what we want to say for fear of being judged, rejected, or hurt), should do some work around clearing the throat chakra.

...quoted from http://www.askahealer.com/clogged-throat-chakra.htm

==

......hmmmm....that last part about lack of expression/shutting down....yep....I've found my cause. So, am I more in-tune or have I finally become completely fucked up and wacked out? My heart tells me that I am an open person....I like to discuss everything...philosophical especially. But, just as it has happened all throughout life, I open up and I'm shut down. Shut the fuck up and go back to your hole....get back in line...all in all you're just another brick in the wall.

A goal or an obstacle?

2007-08-08T15:21:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned in my previous post, this issue of my birth records and reconnecting to my birth parents is still weighing heavily on my mind. As I start into this coaching program, one of my main interests is goal setting and then planning out steps towards accomplishing those goals. Well, here's the dilemma....is my lack of records and connection an obstacle that I simply must look beyond, go around, over or under? Or is it a goal that I want to place as my highest priority to achieve? Or is it both? I get the whole concept of no matter what, my response to the event (or circumstance) is what will determine the outcome and/or success. When I look at it this way, it's an obstacle. Thus I can choose to respond to it in a different manner....which is something that I have been quite successful at and thus do not experience the depression that I used to deal with. If it's an obstacle, there are ways to go around it, under, over, through it....or is "through it" the concept of solving it.

If it's a goal...then it's something I need to plan out steps towards achieving that goal. Though I believe I've been taking those steps for the past 10 years and still am in the same place...not because I haven't tried or haven't put forth the effort...those of us who actively search all well know how much effort we put forth trying to find out. But, as we all know, there are MAJOR obstacles in our way. As in, laws. Fucked up laws, but laws nonetheless. I've gone through the Confidential Intermediary Program (ha...what a joke...and yes, Mia is right...North Carolina actually lost out by compromising.....sad but true) and the CI has made the contact, made the connection. No response from their side and my case is now closed...so, how do I overcome an obstacle that I have no course of action towards? There's always the money thing....have said for sometime that if I had the extra $3000 that those search companies charge (or rather rip us off), then I would certainly spend it in a heart beat. So, maybe I'm "choosing" not to do that....there are ways to get the money. Tough to do when you already h have debt and of course even tougher to do when you have a family to support....we adoptees have that issue of not believing we are "worthy" of the money spent....but, again...that's self-talk really when it comes down to it.

Sheesh....this is screwy. Now, add this to the mix. I'm also working through Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way - A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. ONe of the things that is concentrating on is how to remove the blockage that is preventing the artist from writing or composing, painting, etc, etc)....well, guess what? Back to the goal or obstacle? IN this case, it's back to being an obstacle and something I need to overcome or learn to work with in order for that creative block to go away. I am creating more already by writing my Monring Pages every day and blogging as well as composing and writing lyrics more and more. So, maybe the block is slowly breaking. It's all so confusing. I still feel like there's this "thing" inside just waiting to bust out of the gate...to be released...what is that? Is it related to these adoptee things? Or is it that life purpose screaming to be let loose and able to flourish?

Does the barrier need to come down completely before forward motion is truly realized? Is it a goal or an obstacle?

From my readings of Joseph Campbell relating to mythology and following your bliss to create your own personal myth, I've learned that the key is to learn how to be present in the moment but not attached...that life is full of duality....that's identical to my readings and practicing of Yoga. In an asana, you are taught to observe the pose...if it feels good, don't attach yourself to the good...if it is challenging, again, do not attach your mind to the challenge. This is duality...good and bad. right and wrong, black and white, north and south, positive and negative. Finding balance is key. So maybe it IS both....a goal AND an obstacle.

The, to top all this off, we watched the movie "What The Bleep Do We KNow" last night....relating to Quantum Physics....whew! My brain is tired!!! I get all that! I really do....but it still doesn't make it easy to accept.

Thank goodness I'm on my way to yoga class tonight! Hopefully, I'll get balanced out by 7pm!! :-)

Identity as an artist...?

2007-08-07T08:18:00.000-04:00

I haven't blogged in awhile....though I've been writing quite a bit. Lyrics, words, thoughts, and now Morning Pages in several different journals and notebooks I surround myself with. I've been reading more than ever in my life and have recently been accepted into a Personal Coaching program that I am so very excited about and look forward to focusing on who I am.

What has made me come to the keyboard is a passage that I just finished in the book I am currently reading.....Being Adopted - The Lifelong Search for Self. The passage is the story of a late adolescence female who during college becomes more interested in art and art history and also begins to paint. The more she paints, the more interested she becomes in where this talent came from. Her adoptive parents were not artistic folk but practical and solid people. She wonders then what made her so interested in painting. She decides to search and painfully discovers that her birth mother was killed in a car crash years before. As she learned more of her origins, she found that her birth mother also began painting at the exact age that she did. (whoa...) Her mother's father was also an amateur painter and had been commissioned to do paintings on the walls of 2 churches in her hometown. Finding this out gave the woman permission to round out her identity as an artistic individual.

As I read this passage, I became so excited and began to well up and "tingle." This story just seemed to so resonate with me....maybe because that is something I have wished or dreamed of as we adoptees so often do...dream up this fantasy of who our birth parents are and that we get these characteristics from them. This struggle for identity....to wholeheartedly embrace the artist that I feel I am is at the forefront of my life still today. Especially as I begin this coaching program and define my life purpose as well as setting goals for myself.

Proof being in the answer to a pre-assessment question "Where do you want to be?" Here is what I answered...

"I want to live in that realm of not feeling like I have to “back-up” who I really am. I live in a small agriculturally based town in Central Pennsylvania so that is not an easy task when what I do is quite different from the average. I want to use my talents to their fullest capacity which in turn will bring the health and wealth that I so desire for me and my family. I want to bring forth that full potential that I feel burning inside. I’ve worked so many “jobs” throughout life….which I’ve done well at but none of which I enjoyed and all of which have limited my income potential. I KNOW that the more I use my creative talents, the happier I am and the more I attract the work I love into my life. I want to STAY on that path relentless and regardless. "

Is this a direct connection to my desire to know my origins? I would think so but I just don't know because as we all know, I am not entitled to "know." A question that I have often struggled with and discussed at length (sometimes in near argument) with Mia is then "Is it absolutely imperative that we adoptees know where we came from in order to give us the root for who we are to become or in order to embrace who we are?" Of course, if you know Mia at all you already know her response. Mine, however, has not been as definite. From all the material I have been reading, listening to and viewing, everything says that it's a "choice." You choose whether or not to embrace it and become what you want or do not want. I do believe that but cannot help but wonder if this unknown history is an inevitable obstacle. So how do we go around, over, under or through that obstacle? Because this obstacle is one specific only to adoptees...or is it? Ugh.

I cannot help but dream and believe that after reading the above mentioned story, that that is my destiny too. As strong as this artistic musician character is in me, it must have originated from somewhere. Will I be disappointed if I ever find out and the answer is not what I had hoped? IT brings me joy regardless so I would hope not. But one cannot know until you are there.

And now, realizing that my burning desire is to fully embrace that which I believe defines me and IS my life purpose....music...can that truly be completely realized without knowing my roots first? Will it continue to be the obstacle? They claim to teach you how to go around, under, over or through the obstacle...but can it really be achieved when it relies on information that you are prevented from knowing?

Maybe my first and most important goal that MUST be achieved is to find that root so I can fully become my potential and the true intention of the creator. This is monumental...this is why records must be opened. This is why, without a doubt, that adoption as we all know it must be reformed and changed. Regardless of your opinion of adoption, being denied our roots is just wrong. Becoming who you are meant to be, who the creator intended you to be benefits the entire world....it is truly for the betterment of the world...not just the individual. There is one main reason that records are kept from us....and that is fear. Psychologists teach that fear is Fictional Events Appearing Real. And when you face fear, you become uncomfortable...it is why most do not face fear because they do not want to be uncomfortable....but when you are uncomfortable THAT is when you are growing.

Perception must be changed....for the betterment of all.

Blessing or a curse?

2007-05-18T01:38:00.001-04:00

So is it a blessing or a curse to be so "in-tune" with the world that surrounds you. I mean, I can peg nearly anyone in an unknown room as soon as I walk-in. WTF? Yet, the majority of people are not in-tune with even the people who you live with....I know we adoptees are more in-tune but I can't understand why others haven't a clue. Obviously, this is a personal experience that is influencing this rant (and some good bourbon).

And the worst part, is when I pick up the vibe, know it's valid and the person says, "nothin." Like I'm fuckin' nuts or something....well, news flash...I am...and I embrace it...and news flash...I was right about the vibe whether you want to admit it now or later.

And this in-tune-ness transcends distance....pick up the fuckin phone....

Another disturbance in "The Force"

2007-05-09T00:00:00.000-04:00

There's something wacked out there....I get this vibe and 9.999 times out of 10 I'm right. Maybe it's not "wacked" but something is happening. Maybe it's the Mother's Day thing that is approaching. Such weird feelings surrounding that day. I, of course, first think of my mom (for those of you who insist on differentiating between the 2....I'm referring to my mom...my a-mom...but for the record, I REALLY don't care for having to differentiate the 2...say what you want, but I just prefer to use the word Mom...and that's for both of them...hell, when we were in high school, my best friends Mike and Jamie and I used to tell everyone we had 3 moms). Mom is one of a kind...she is so supportive of me searching. How cool is that?

And then, of course, my wife is the mother of my 2 sons so I get together with them and celebrate Mother's Day. We typically cook breakfast for her and serve it in bed. The boys participate in cooking (and that's typically an experience).

If you're reading this (and I could only hope you are), I think of you too. How could I not? I know you're thinking of me too....even though it's so hard for me to understand why you won't just pick up the phone and break down the wall of fear....healing begins with truth. (Thanks, Mia.) Don't be afraid. My family will embrace you. My mom (and dad) are great people! You need to meet them! There's nothing to be afraid of. But I feel when you must be sending strong vibes or something...it rattles me but I now understand where that is coming from. I seem to be one of those persons that is "in tune" with the vibrations around us that few notice. It's a blessing and a curse. But I'll choose a blessing because it heightens my awareness.

I came upon a blog of a birthfather....it's fantastic! you MUST check it out...link at the side of this blog. I believe he's the beginning of that side of the movement and we are so fortunate to have him. Keep posting!

There's much in the works here.....Mia and I are progressing on our projects and ideas. The music video is stalled a bit partly due to everyone's busy schedule but also because I realized I needed to step back and do this how it NEEDS to be done....not on a cheap, zero budget but to find funding and do this song especially the way I know I can do it with the colleagues and resources I have. If you have any suggestions for sources of expendable capital....or venture capital...or just plain donations for the cause, lemme know.

I struggle to discuss what is going on. Maybe it's that judgement thing...maybe it's just I don't feel compelled to tell everyone. I love this Chinese Proverb: "The one who knows, tells no one. The one who knows nothing, tells everyone." (hmmm...reminds me of a certain musician that I've had recent issues with....what comes around, dude....)

Weird...I'm struggling to write. It's just not "flowing." ugh...that frustrates me. As an artist, this is when I know there's something there that is trying to get out but it's just not coming to the surface. Fortunately, I'll soon have a regular performing project going again. I've been jonesin' for the stage. Not for the applause....for the moment...it's my "everything is perfect in the world" place.

Guess I should just give in here and stop trying to write something that's not coming.

An early Happy Mothers Day to Mom and Mom.

Baby Evelyn

2007-04-16T16:23:00.001-04:00

http://reunionwritings.wordpress.com/2007/04/16/bring-baby-evelyn-home-now/

A remarkable day

2007-04-15T23:03:00.000-04:00

I know, I know...it's been a while since my last post. Much has happened but I guess I just haven't been in that creative writing "mode." Thankfully, there's much good to report to help offset this pesky bs with a former associate. It's unfortunate that there are people in the world that claim they are so spiritual and loving when in reality they are self-centered, hateful and just plain fake. What comes around goes around and he will surely get his. But, enough of that....had to just get that off my chest for a moment....

Today is a day that I will remember always. My thoughts and emotions concerning the day are such a melting pot right now that I just figured if I'd write it out it would help me clear my head. So many thoughts....so many ideas....how to lasso them all?

The day started a bit of a mess....typically Sunday mornings after playing a show the night before are tough and I rarely get to sleep in after getting to bed at 2:30-3am...I was fortunate enough to sleep until around 8:30am....but just could not motivate myself enough to get up so i kept hiding under the covers somehow thinking that the day would not know I'm awake...LOL It's not that I wanted to hide from the day but there was definitely a bit of a "disturbance in the force" which I later understood was merely a test that the universe throws at you to see if you're really that serious. Well, I was that serious.

The unpredictable weather we have been having here in Central PA (if you haven't seen An Inconvenient Truth, I would highly recommend you spend the time and watch it) threw another wrench at us with this apparent Nor'easter.....mainly rain but warnings of potent snow storms. Mia and I had plans to make a presentation of ideas. When i checked my email, Mia was figuring the rain was not a good idea to take on today as it was a "monsoon" at her place. So, I kinda decided I should stay put for the day....anticipating issues with flooding and our fence in the backyard (we've had it ruined twice)...and we figured we'd just make the presentation another day. long story short...I decided to turn my cell phone on (I have such a bad habit of not turning it on) and there was a message from Mia (I'd swear we have some sixth sense connecting the 2 of us and up to this point of the day, we had actually never met in person!). Well, the storm seemed to be pushing off the coast and we weren't getting hit as bad and Mia must've got an overall feeling of going through as planned....we talked on the phone and it was quite apparent that she felt strongly to do this today (she's quite a convincing person....but I'm glad she is!) So, a quick shower and on the road by 12:50pm heading to Lancaster.

Driving down, I didn't really feel "anything." As if it was almost business-like....weird....little did I know how touched I would soon be....Law of Attraction. The intention of the day was to present a proposal of a new concept/path that Mia and I have stumbled into and that which we have titled "The Honesty In Adoption Foundation." Too much to go into now but it's a positive approach to truth and healing that we just didn't feel was present anywhere else in the manner of which we have been thinking....so we wanted to share this with some people that Mia has had connections with. Even though that was our intention for the pre-meeting topic, the meeting was an adoption support group.....something I've never experienced. In fact, there's few IN the triad that I've actually ever communicated with. So, this was something very new to me.

As I arrived, I was greeted by 3 natural moms and 3 other adoptees. Mia met me at the door and this was our first in person contact....a shared hug that just felt so right. As we chatted through the afternoon exchanging stories and suggestions, I was deeply moved when listening to the natural moms speak of their experiences....my heart hurt. At one point I suddenly realized that I have never actually met or spoken to a birth/first/natural mom....and hearing in person the pain that they felt was quite overwhelming.

Soapbox Alert! - The general public just has no idea how fucked up this whole adoption thing is....yes, there's good intentions and being served in one sense but the more you learn about the big picture...the whole picture (even as an adoptee, I didn't realize this extent)....you come to find out this is one screwed up mess. ugh

So....even now as I try to collect my thoughts, words escape me. Actually being in a room with natural moms and other adoptees, verbally expressing our thoughts and frustrations was just so......different.....but it felt good. It gave me a sense of belonging. And as we progressed forward into presenting our concept, to see the interest and the joy on their faces was truly one of the most special gifts that I could imagine giving and yet I felt as I was the one receiving. These are remarkable women...remarkable people...who have dug their feet in and pushed on regardless (thank you Dr. Pat!)....I'm sitting here trying to type but the words are not coming...only tears are coming...I think we've found something...no....I KNOW we've found something. I was so touched by these people and I am so grateful that Mia persuaded me to make the trip. It was a life changing moment.

The time seemed to fly by and soon we had to depart. After a mere 3 1/2 hours I felt as if I had known these people forever. The vibe in the room was remarkable....and energetic...joy, sadness, excitement, etc, etc....but it seemed all for the good and that we were truly onto something. Though it was not the "match" of the adoptee hugging their natural mom, the feeling of myself as an adoptee hugging a natural mom was genuine and powerful. As if it was the hug I've longed for and I didn't want to let go. Wow....thank you for that!

Like I mentioned above, there's something that has brought Mia and I together...our paths were meant to cross. As we embraced, I felt as if I was hugging the sister that I had never met. No doubt a spiritual connection between us and whatever label of why or how you choose to put on it, the fact remains that there is no such things as coincidences....this was meant to be.

As Mia and I walked back to our cars, I think we both knew that we were on the right path. Anyone who knows me knows that I have music playing (or a self-help audiobook) whenever driving....the first hour of my drive home I just enjoyed silence. Thoughts would pass through but I just observed them....very surreal for me.

The time is right. Pull up your boot straps. We're about to change the world!

...to be continued :-)

Waiting For You

2007-03-24T05:43:00.000-04:00

(Saturday morning about 5:28am)
Such odd characters we artists are...my mind has been so active lately that I haven't been sleeping much the past week or so. The difference this time is that it's not due to sadness, confusion or anything....just plain excitement and trying to sort through all the different things that seem to be now just flying at me from all directions (whew...this law of attraction thing is incredible but I've got to stop "asking" so it will slow down a bit! LOL)

Anyhow, I figured that I'd get up early this morning and go treat myself to an early morning Yoga class (I've been practicing Iyengar Yoga for about 6 years now). So, I thought I'd go to bed early last night to get some rest, try to let these thoughts settle a bit, enjoy my yoga class then I have a songwriting session scheduled this morning with a good friend that I'm really looking forward to.

But, going to sleep last night was not easy (which usually is...I may not sleep well or a lot but when I decide to close my eyes, I typically go right out....no matter when or where....drives my wife nuts! LOL) ...my mind was just so active and the Free Hugs song (All The Same by The Sick Puppies) has been literally stuck in my head for days...I haven't been able to understand why and I've been trying to clear it to "hear" another song based more around this larger concept that Mia and I have been discussing. Finally I fall to sleep...maybe around 12:30am....restless through the night, tossing and turning, odd dreams (ha! what else is new?)...and then abruptly wake, look at the clock to see 4:12am and oddly enough I "hear" parts of a song that another friend wrote playing in my head....only really hearing the chorus "Waiting for you" playing over and over. I thought, "that's odd..." and then kinda dozed in and out for another 45 min. Then, again I abruptly wake to this warm, rush feeling and notice I've got goosebumps all over (no...wasn't the wife being frisky...LOL) and that song in my head then the little voice saying, "Hey! Knucklehead! Yeah, you.....get yer ass up! I'm trying to tell you something here! Go down and listen to this demo...NOW!" "Ok," I say in the Scooby-Doo voice. :-)

Long story short (do I ever tell short stories?), one listen through and I'm welling up and I "hear" the connection....change these words to this, that line to this...if I use this here, that there....a guitar riff there, solo there....oh, wait....I hear a children's choir there....that'll take the out and build it more with the gtr crying happily...holy goosebumps, batman. I think I may have it!

working lyrics below....

VERSE:
I have spent my life, longing for you
Waiting for the time (that) I can hold you
And I have spent my life, dreaming of you
Waiting for the time, I can love you

CHORUS: (2x)
Waiting for you
Aching for you
Breaking for you

VERSE:
Soon will come a time, we will be together
And if I have my say, it will be forever
Oh....happiness will shine, filled with love and laughter
Then we will be fine, happy ever after

CHORUS: (2x)

OUT CHORUS: (children's choir in this build w gtr solo)
Oh, Oh, Oh....waiting for you
Oh, Oh, Oh....waiting for you
Oh, Oh, Oh....waiting for you
Oh, Oh, Oh....waiting for you
Oh, Oh, Oh....waiting for you

Thank you Ed. I've kept a copy of this in iTunes for years and years....now I know why. Folks...ya gotta be aware and listen to that voice. Somehow, it knows.

Remember....there's a major election coming

2007-03-21T12:20:00.000-04:00

This is a crucial time we're approaching in American politics. Now, I'm surely not going down that road of Republican or Democrat or anything like that (for the record, I'm a registered Independent...I vote for whomever I think is best...not along "party lines" and I don't want anyone profiling me to be on "their side".....I'm on MY side) but we as adoptees and members of the triad need to take a look at these people running to represent our country.

I don't even know who all is in the ring right now because I can't stand watching all that bs on the news....it's crazy! Can anyone find positive in the world and report that instead of all this negative? Like attracts like. If you're watching it and complaining about it, you're contributing to it! Yuk!

Are there any candidates that are running and are adoptees or other members of the triad? I know a politician who is an adoptee that I plan on talking to. How about you?

Remember (and this is IMPERATIVE), POSITIVE approach is the ONLY way! If you complain to a politician, they will most likely blow you off. I don't know the exact thing to say, but we need to figure that out and start doing it! NOW!

Take 100% RESPONSIBILTY!

2007-03-21T12:13:00.000-04:00

Most people are not used to connecting with "positive" especially with this type of thing. That's ok...we are going to change that. I was the same way...used to get pretty ticked at every program or person that ONLY spoke about the positive reunions and such and not acknowledging the downside. There's a definite line and we're in the midst of understanding it and changing how everyone approaches this and what perspective they choose to hold. The "easy" way is to stay in denial, fear and anger...it worked for me for a long time too (well, didn't really work but that's what I thought at the time).

The concept here is to not denounce the negative but to be aware of it, work through it, get help with it and not be attached to it. Be indifferent to it. And hopefully as we change the system we will prevent the next age of adoptees from having to go through what we have thus far...to get them help early...and work towards more openness overall. I've read some great stories of those involved with Open Adoption...though I'm sure there are bad ones too the way I look at that is the "bad stories" are the ones that involve those parties who we definitely need to reach to educate. Education and awareness and openness....KEY!

I got so tired of being sick and tired....and tired of being angry (whew.....that anger road is not a fun one...and it creeps up unexpectedly still)...tired of "fighting"...I don't want to fight...I don't want anyone to pity me! I've pitied myself too much already. I want to work towards change and work towards changing everyone's view on this.

You all know as well as I do that most view us as angry, ungrateful, lacking compassion, lacking thankfulness, etc, etc, etc....too many times we're viewed as negative and it's our own faults! Regardless of why we got that way, WE are responsible for 100% of the image we portray. No one will change that for us, we have to change it ourselves. Turn the spotlight to viewing us as positive, grateful, loving compassionate, etc, etc, etc...WE all know we are those traits, but it's not how we're perceived and thus we create the trend...we create the behavior. You teach people how to treat you. It's painful to realize that but it's the truth!

I know I'm surely preachin to the choir here but it's just flow of consciousness.

What IF we could change the perception? What IF we could be looked upon with compassion? Wouldn't that be awesome? I think so!

I believe if we change the behavior, we change the outcome.

This is our birthright! And we're "allowing" others to determine whether we can have it or not! Yes, I said WE ARE ALLOWING IT! Take the responsibility! We can open these records IF that is what we want! It's what I want and what I will do!

No turning back now!

2007-03-20T14:12:00.000-04:00

Hey all.....just a brief notice...check out the following blog and the comments.

http://miassavinggrace.wordpress.com/2007/03/20/exactly/

Mia is a fantastic adoption advocate that I met through signing up for membership with The Adoption Forum (http://www.adoptionforum.org/) and I have been reading her blog. Well, the idea that I've held inside for some time now just mysteriously came out of me this morning while commenting to her blog and it's getting legs under it....FAST! Within 10 minutes I received an email from somebody else wanting to participate.

I have a very rough demo of a song (wrote it this morning/afternoon) and am looking to call on some colleagues to make it into the song we need and the song that it can be.

If you know of anyone who would be interested in this project (you have to read Mia's blog...too long to re-type), please email me or Mia. We're doing this...no doubt about and no turning back now!

(P.S. thank you to the Free Hugs Campaign video for the inspiration!)

...to be continued.

This years "un-birthday" - Part 2

2007-03-06T11:13:00.000-04:00

I'm back! Sorry for the delay.....sooooo many things going on right now. Truly amazing! I live off the saying that "everything happens at once"...and thrive on it now!

So, where were we....oh yes, in the waiting room of The Montel Show. The couple sat down adjacent to me and settled in. Typically, though I consider myself to be friendly, I tend to just mind my own business. Gladly though, the gentlemen who sat down next to me was quite friendly and continued to strike up conversation. When I heard he was a writer, had quit his job to pursue his passion, had very recently succeeded in getting published and then heard that his wife was a life coach I smiled and thought, "Well, here's one of the reasons I was supposed to come today." Their names are Rob and Deb Britt. They are wonderful people and operate a number of websites...please check some of them out here:
http://www.thespiralpath.net
http://www.SomeoneElsesTomorrow.com
http://robertbritt.com/

Ok...well, finally they began to let us in to the show area. (making sure all cell phones were OFF as we enter....thank goodness...I still can't figure out WHO everyone seems to always be talking to...LOL). There were those with VIP tickets called first then those of us who had an "M" written on our tickets. I had an "M" as did Rob and Deb but we got separated heading to the door. As we entered the audience seating, a nice woman was selecting the seats for us (I guess based upon what looks best on camera or something of the sort). She placed me in the fourth row 3rd seat in to the right.....which left 2 open seats between me and the aisle. Several others entered and were assigned seats then I saw Rob and Deb. As they came up the aisle the woman assigned them to sit in those 2 empty seats next to me....hmmm....coincidence? The woman would've had no way of knowing that we had just met and there was several others between when I was seated and them. (I don't believe in coincidences anymore....remember?) So, fancy that? Pretty cool. We were able to continue our conversations and it was comforting having someone to chat with (oh, turns out Rob also plays bass...still think it's a coincidence?). Deb and I began to chat about Life Coaching. I have always been intrigued with Life Coaching ever since my therapist, Dr. John Bellanti, took me from therapy into life coaching. (side note: Dr. Bellanti was in the process of writing a book about Creativity at the time I was seeing him....hmmm...coincidence? nope.) He's a fantastic man and I'm so grateful I found him. Check out his website at:
http://www.coachingthruthecrossroads.com/

So as the show is soon to begin, the staff explains this and that and says that Montel will be out to answer audience questions then at the beginning of the show he'll start in the audience for some questions concerning the movie The Secret. You may know what I was thinking at the time. Is this when my moment is? Will he call on me? Is THIS why i'm supposed to be here? Well, I'd better think of something so I don't stumble on my words. yikes! Many of the audience members are intrigued by all the tv monitors, moving camera's, theater lights, etc....I've been around this stuff since high school and actually worked for an NBC affiliate when in college as a camera operator so it didn't phase me (even as much of a geek I am about that stuff....now....if somebody would've had an Apple laptop or something out there controlling something, THEN I'd be geekin'...LOL). I was just focused and looking forward to the program and listening to Jack. There's a different vibe you receive when in person with someone (even though separated by stage and audience) rather than seeing/hearing someone on a recorded medium.

Montel fields some audience questions and we soon are all on the topic of the utter craziness that is going on with the media giving so much attention to this Anna Nicole Smith saga. Montel was some KINDA fired up over this and the audience was right in it! There was some incredible energy in that room! For the record, it is disgusting that the media is airing all that crap....ESPECIALLY when we have men and women fighting for that very freedom. But, as i've learned, I'm not going to place any energy towards that. But, you all should note that the more we the public watches and receives that crap without picking up the phone, writing an email or whatever, the more WE are just as much to blame. Plain and simple.....STOP WATCHING IT and the media WILL HAVE TO change their programming. You can argue the chicken or the end factor all you want...but the fact remains, if less and less watch it and the numbers go down, the advertisers (unfortunately the ones who really control this) will not put their money into it and the media will have to change. So, TURN OFF THE DAMN BOOB-TUBE! Choose wisely what you watch. (soapbox off)

The shows starts....and sure enough, Montel is in the audience (and my heart is in my throat). He selects a lady 2 rows in front of us...then turns and asks if anyone else has had a specific instance related directly to The Secret. I, as do most of the audience, raised my hand....he seems to look directly at me (Rob, who is next to me is also raising his hand)....oh, no, I think...he's looking at me!....for a split second my hand drops ever so slightly.......and......he says "yes, sir, please stand up"......to Rob...right next to me! whew.....damn...I was that close! But, I was glad to hear Rob's story about recently getting his book published. (you might be thinking, WHY did you sink? Well, when I look at it...I realize that I wasn't ready for it at that time. I doubt I would've been able to even speak! I can get up on stage behind a drum kit in front of thousands of people, but this was different....and I learned from it....most important of all). Next time, I'll be ready.

We go thru the show and it was cool that during the commercial breaks they fielded questions from the audience. Most of which I'm sure won't be aired but to me, those were the highlights. Jack is a remarkable individual. The entire time I was glued to every word everyone was speaking...just absorbing it all (in between all the "sit up straights"...LOL)...I could feel the energy and was so grateful to be a part of this. As the show wraps up (after about 3 hours of sitting in those seats...I think this was much longer than they anticipated but the discussions were powerful and it's admirable that they let all that happen). If you've never seen Montel, you should. He's an incredibly passionate, caring, driven person. I am pretty good at seeing through someone (thanks to my "in-tune-ness") and he's the real deal. A good guy to say the least.

As we're waiting to exit the room I am standing in front of the stage and the weirdest thing happened....without "thinking about it" I "saw" myself sitting on that stage in the guest chair....and said, "I'll be in that seat someday." hmmmm.....freaky.

Back out to the street, down through Times Square (again, what an incredibly over-stimulating experience that is in itself) and to the train station. Waiting for them to board my train back to Harrisburg I realize it's about 2:30pm, I've been up since 2:15am and all I've eaten was coffee, a couple yogurt bars and some cashews....but I'm not really hungry. Time flies...

I board the train and think "WOW! What an experience!" Should I start writing, reading, listening? I sifted through the free books and dvd's we received and then realized, I'm tired! Time to veg for a bit....unplug and absorb. I dozed off a bit with a cat nap (I hope I didn't snore too loud...LOL) and then woke somewhere in New Jersey again seeing the conditions in which many live....wow....we're so fortunate to have the things we do and we're asses for not appreciating it. Just go look at these areas and that will change your outlook.

So, I'm looking out the window reflecting upon the day and suddenly the ideas start flowing....wow, what a GREAT rush that is when it happens! I get out my notepad (I've learned now that I MUST carry with me at least a small notepad wherever I go because if I don't capture that idea IMMEDIATELY, I lose it...as Lori will surely support, my memory often fails me LOL...I've been recording ideas as Voice Records in my cell phone, I have an attachment for my iPod and of course numerous scratch notes, yellow pads and scrap paper) and just write down everything that's coming out!

I've always had a desire to help others....my parents taught me this whether they realized it or not...they were foster parents when I was in my teenage years. We had several children come through our home, dropped off at all hours of the day or night and it taught me many things that, of course, I didn't know at the time. It's probably one of the reasons I became a volunteer firefighter and emt soon after high school. I thought often about helping others connected to what I've dealt with all my life....being an adoptee. The first thing I wrote down was start an Adoptee Group. Then I remembered that there are several groups, organizations in the state and in the country. Why try to reinvent the wheel? Why not join the forces....quite thinking about it....DO IT! I've always shy-ed away from this out of fear of others knowing and how they'd treat me...yadda-yadda-yadda.....guess what? I don't freakin care anymore! If they've got issues with me speaking out, then they need a tissue for those issues. Time to change that.

The next thing is the book. 5 years or so ago I had this idea to write about my experiences and a friend said, "Who'd buy it?" And I thought, "yeah, that's a crazy idea." Well, I've found through these past couple weeks that people seemed to be drawn into this story. I'm not exactly sure why but they are. Here's an example....Lori was telling a fellow teacher about my story of getting tickets to the Montel show with Jack Canfield (see 1st blog entry)...she was telling one teacher and as she did this she noticed the others in the room listening....intently...and before long they were surrounding her listening and couldn't believe what they were hearing! I drew them in! Now, I have to admit I wasn't sure how I felt at the moment of finding out that she told people outside my "inner circle of friends" but it made me realize that it IS a story that is interesting and it IS a story that needs to be told. This blog is the one of the beginning parts of that book...I've never written so much in my entire life! you may ask, "what will you do with it? How will you sell it?" I dunno....but I'm not worrying about the "How's" anymore....I'm just doing. This WILL be a book! Never, in my entire life, did I think I would be doing this! Fantastic!!

Life coaching....like I said, it intrigued me from the first time my therapist mentioned it. Talking with Deb Britt at the Montel show brought that interest back even stronger. hmmmmm....guess I'll look into that now.

The music....those who know me know that this has been SUCH a big part of my life...all of my life. That moment in 9th grade band rehearsal when i played a timpani part and felt this INCREDIBLE, indescribable (sp?) RUSH of adrenaline (or whatever it was) that ran through my body....whew....i've been hooked ever since. But then, as i look back, music has always been a big part. I remember hiding my clock radio under my pillow when I was in elementary school so I could hear the King Biscuit Flour Hour program that came on at about 11pm at night. My parents, of course as parents are supposed to do, made me go to sleep but I just HAD to listen to that show. So, I'd hide my clock radio under my pillow and have it just loud enough that I could press my ear through the pillow and listen. LOL....geek! :-)

I've made so many mistakes in this music thing...the last one was yet another lesson. But I'm thankful now for these lessons that I have learned (and they've been many!).

There's much more coming....I'm listening to a James Ray Tele-Conference as I'm typing this (and recording it....have my cell phone on speaker phone and a mic pointed at it recording into the computer...LOL...geek!)....and my mind is not focused. But there have been sooooooo many connections since this trip. Some of you may have thought Montel was going to get a private investigator or someone to find my birth parents...seriously...I DID NOT expect that (LOL...maybe I should have?)....but I do know that going there is what helped me realize all this....it solidified it and made it tangible.

As I've said before, I now KNOW that I will find them and I KNOW that I will write this book and that people will buy it, and I KNOW that I will build this band and it WILL be successful, and I KNOW that I finally have the courage to speak out and help others....because I care.

Thanks for reading.....to be continued! :-)

This years "un-birthday" - Part 1

2007-03-04T00:51:00.000-04:00

What a day this years “un-birthday” has turned out to be! (I used to fiercely HATE the term “un-birthday”....but now I embrace it) The past couple of days have been so overwhelming that it’s hard to know where to start. But, here we go....

Back-up to the previous weekend: I was trying to decide whether I should drive in Tuesday night and reserve a room in the city or to just drive in Wednesday early morning. I did the typical searching of prices, maps, yadda-yadda....and just didn’t follow through. A good friend, Mike Freeman, called on Sunday night (I think it was Sunday....sheesh...days just run together sometimes) and as I mentioned my frustration in deciding how to get to the city he asked if I had considered taking the train. “Uh...well...duh...no, I hadn’t even thought of that,” I said. Sure enough, that was the “ticket!” Amtrak goes through Lewistown but not early enough so I found a 5am train out of Harrisburg that would get me to New York by 8:26am (I was to be at the door for Montel’s show by 9:30am). Perfect. I reserved my ticket for the trip....no turning back now!

I realized that in order to get to Harrisburg by 4:30am (about an hour and 10 min drive...well, a bit shorter if I’m driving...lol) that I would have to get up at 2:15am! 2:15am!??? Hell, that’s usually when i get to bed! Oh well...I went to bed at 10pm but don’t know if I actually slept and actually woke up to look at the clock at 2:14am....right before the alarm went off. Weird. I was immediately wide awake....filled with anticipation! As i get to the coffee pot (mmmmmmm) I noticed a note attached to my backpack with some green stuff attached to it. “A little something for your trip”....ahhhhh....my baby taking care of me again! :-)

Off I go....in the big white bus (Ford Excursion for those who didn’t know what I drive)....silence for half the trip, just letting my mind wonder. Then, time to put on some tunes....and what better than the man that helped start this....Jimmy Buffett! How, you say, did he help start it? Well, you see, in a nutshell...we lost a most wonderful person on Nov. 14, 1991....my best friend, Jamie Parker. Jamie is who taught us friendship. Jamie is who turned us on to Jimmy Buffett. Jamie wanted Mike and I to get tattoo’s but we wouldn’t (though we did 6mos after his death) and Jamie who believed in me and convinced me I was a musician...that I had talent. I read Tales from Margaritaville...in it, Jimmy mentions The Power Of Myth by Joseph Campbell. I was never much of a fan of reading books but for some reason I wrote on a note to read The Power Of Myth....fast forward to a year and a half ago....I was on my way to Delaware to perform in a show....stayed overnite at Mike Freemans in MD...noticed an audiobook version or The power Of Myth....listened to it on the way to DE and got my eyes opened. That trail led to this one....it all connects folks...all you have to do is be aware and believe.

Back to the trip....I arrive at the station, just on time...I knew I would. Get my ticket, take a seat waiting to board and decide to write in my journal....as I reach in my bag to pull out my journal, I notice an envelope that I didn’t put there. It’s a card....from my “hun-bun.” Even better, it’s a Snoopy card (Snoopy is The MAN! well...in a manner of speaking of course). Different quotes all relating to our new way of thinking (I must admit, they were hard to read with all that “water” in my eyes...uh-um!) “Here’s to your next 200 ft.” Love, Lori.......ahhhhhhhh.......talk about “feeling” the love! Whew!

“All aboard”.....never been on a train before so this was exciting in itself. I find my seat and as we begin to depart a man begins coming down the aisle, dressed in the appropriate train attire with the hat and everything....I smile then hear “Tickets please!” Just like in the stories. OMG! Cole would have LOVED this! (my youngest is still a fanatic of Thomas The Tank Engine) I smile even more and know more smiles are coming.

Through the trip I listened to my iPod awhile, read awhile (I’m currently reading Think & Grow Rich by Napolean Hill....fabulous book...and no, it’s not just about money...it’s about sooooooo much more than that....”Don’t judge a book by it’s cover”)...and then begin to write. Some entries to my journal, some lyrics to a possible song but then I get inspired to write my observations. I decide to write down whatever pops into my head from looking out the window or whatever catches my attention. Never have I done this before and it was quite exhilarating. As I’m looking out the window writing down thoughts, I realized how lucky I am and grateful I am for the house and area that I now live in (those of you who know me know that has not always been the case....HA! It has NEVER been the case!). It was sad to see the types of places that people are living in and the community life that they are dealing with.....truly a blessing to be where I am. A friend calls to wish me Happy Un-B-day....(thank you Norma!)...my belly was tingling the closer we got to the city....my emotions and feelings were telling me this was going to be an exciting day and before I knew it we were arriving in Penn Station.

(note to self - include journal entries and observations...)

New York! It’s been awhile since I was there last. You can FEEL the energy of this city as you are approaching it and when you are walking within, it’s simply amazing. I didn’t know which way to go at first so I just figured, “Everybody’s going this way so I might as well follow them. They must know where they’re going.” I came out onto 7th Avenue and 33rd-ish Street, looked up and it was the Madison Square Garden entrance. cool. hmmmm....which way....my sense of direction is a mess....oh, street numbers going that way....ah, well look-ee there...Times Square! How exciting! The visual and audio stimulus from everything is simply incredible! And for those of you who haven’t realize yet that Apple and the iPod have become a culture, all you have to do is look at a city street! I’d swear every 4th or 5th person I saw (and remember, I’m in New York so that’s a helluva lot of people in each SECOND) had the trademark white headphones plugged into their ears. wow! And if you are doubting the soon to come iPhone, you’d better check yourself.

Anyhow...back to the adventure....(I can geek out at any moment when it comes to Apple and tech stuff)....I could’ve taken the subway but I would’ve missed this experience. 20 blocks later, I find 53rd street and then the awning for The Montel Show. I’ve made it! On time, just as i knew I would. 2 lines outside the door...didn’t know which was which so just hopped in one. Everyone was chatting excitedly about what they do, where they’re from (I heard Ohio, MD, VA, PA, NJ) and what they hope to do. Everyone was energized. Finally, they started letting us in.....checking those of us who reserved tickets and we all gathered in the waiting room.

I was enjoying a snack and some water when a man and his wife approached and asked if the seats next to me was available, I answered yes and they settled in. We began to chat a bit and found that they were from Leesport, PA, were writers, a life coach and had been living this path for some time. Small world we live in....truly.

...folks...I have to take a break....have some plans to work on and errands to run....will be back soon! There’s plenty more!

...to be continued.... :-)

The Secret-My Story-Montel Williams

2007-02-23T00:43:00.000-04:00

My story connection to “The Secret” began February 29, 1968 (Leap Day) when I was born (actually it begins before that). My parents were 16 and 17 years old at the time and decided to give me up for adoption. As a father of 2 wonderful boys, I cannot begin to imagine going through the process of that decision but I can tell you genuinely that I am forever grateful to them for making that decision.

I was placed in foster care on March 11, 1968 with George “Dick” and Annie Carrico. I was adopted October 24, 1968 by Barbara and Melvin Thomas as their first child. As long as I can remember, I have always known that I was adopted and never questioned it. I had a great life with a wonderful family who loved me and provided me with everything I needed. After college, I married a wonderful woman from Pennsylvania and not too long after we began to start a family. This is when I began to have strong feelings towards finding out who my birthparents were and hoping to find the missing pieces to my puzzle. I believed it necessary to find those roots since I would soon bring a child into this world who would eventually trace his/her roots.

I went through all the processes (internet searches, bulletin boards, online forums, adoptee’s mailing lists, online registries, filled out all the forms, followed all the leads and jumped through all the hoops but kept hitting brick walls. All I got was non-identifying information which gave me some clues but not anything solid. In 1997, we had our first son and I became a full-time, stay-at-home dad and though I tried every avenue I could think of, I could not find my birthparents and it didn’t take long for me to start telling myself “You will never find them. You will never learn your roots.” (A tape that would play over and over in my thoughts for many years.)

In 2003, I was fortunate enough to learn of the identities of the people who had me in foster care through a story my mom told me about a mutual friend that my dad had with the foster father at the time of my adoption in 1968. I located this mutual friend and he told me the names of my foster parents. I searched, found them and contacted them. They were overjoyed to hear from one of the children they had cared for since none had ever sought to find them and they had always wondered how the children made out in life after leaving their home. At the time, my foster mother was recovering from an illness and was hospitalized so it was not possible to meet. So, I sent her a card and flowers to her hospital room and looked forward to another time. That time did come and we met at their home in MD. It was such a wonderful experience. Of course, I was hoping that they would have some clues for me but all they had was a code name (George Tate) that was used by the social services and some pictures. It wasn’t what I had hoped for but it was still 8 months of my life recovered.

I went home and tracked everything I could with the information I received from them but continued to hit brick walls and continued to play that tape in my thoughts over and over and over again. Depression soon set in. In January 2004, I received a letter from George Carrico (my foster father) and in it he spoke of his enjoyment of meeting me and my family and sadly informing me of the passing of Annie. He included some more pictures and in the letter stated “Annie thought Montel Williams should be able to help you in your search.” He included a page torn out of a magazine discussing adoptees searching and information that he gathered from watching a Montel Show. He ended the letter with “I hope we have helped you.” At the time, I was appreciative of the letter and the photo’s but did not pursue anything due to the barriers that I had run up against with the laws in our country and that tape playing in my thoughts (“You will never find them. You will never learn your roots.”)....I did not believe. Little did I know at the time, that they had helped me more than any of us could have ever imagined. George sent it out to the universe but I was not willing to believe or receive.

Over the past several years, the confidential intermediary (social worker) who was assigned my case through Montgomery County, Maryland had tracked down both of my birthparents and had contacted them.

I was notified of this news in August of 2004 after I had called in to check on any progress with my case. That day changed everything....you see, to the adoptee’s psychological mind, their parents died and they have not been able to mourn that loss....but when I heard they were contacted and spoken with, that told me THEY WERE ALIVE! My birthfather could not talk to the CI at the time and stated he would call back. My birthmother did speak to the CI and gave some details in addition to stating that she understood my interest in a reunion but that she was currently going through a divorce and that it was a difficult time for her. When asked about medical history she informed that her son had some issues with kidneys but everything was now fine. Her son! That meant I have a half-brother somewhere!

Unfortunately, neither called back. My gut feeling is that time went by, fears surfaced, and the unknown kept her and/or him from calling. And, thanks to our governments “rules”, the CI claimed she was not permitted to contact them again...that they would have to call back before anything further could happen. I offered to send a letter....the CI claimed she was not permitted to forward it. Brick wall again. Rejection again. And the tape played on....“You will never find them. You will never learn your roots.”

As time passed, I became more interested in spiritual path and self-discovery. I have studied Yoga for almost 7 years now and the philosophy associated with the practice of Yoga has helped me tremendously. Still, the tape played on. It just made NO SENSE to me why I couldn’t make this happen. I would continue to fall into depression.

Then in May 2006, the path started showing....I was on my way to a show in Delaware (I’m a drummer and I freelance for different artists) and I had stopped at a friends to visit. I noticed an audiobook cd of The Power Of Myth by Joseph Campbell by their computer. It caught my eye because about 10 years prior, after reading the book Tales From Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett (I’m a devoted Parrothead! Thank you Jamie Parker!). I bought the book The Power Of Myth because Jimmy mentioned it in his book (and if Jimmy recommends it...it must be worth it!). At that time, I read about half of it but I didn’t “get it.” This time, as I drove from MD to the Eastern Shore, I listened....and had so many “Yes!” moments. My eyes opened and I began to see things in a different light. I realized that that “feeling” I had in 9th grade while I was playing a timpani part in the school band (I was brought to tears), was not a freak incident. It was telling me something. “Follow your bliss.” But no matter how much enlightenment I found in this, the tape played on “You will never find them. You will never learn your roots.”

I spent the next several months reading everything I could and discussing with those who may listen. Still, the tape played on “You will never find them. You will never learn your roots.” So much that one day I decided that it was over....that it was senseless thinking about it since it just wasn’t meant to be. I convinced myself that I was never going to meet them, that was how my life was going to play out and that I needed to just accept it. The beginning of February 2007 confirmed just that. The month of my birthday has typically been terrible for me...depression....deep depression and I’ve hated my birthday....never wanted to celebrate it...just get past it. In the beginning of February 2007 I received a letter from my Confidential Intermediary stating that since no response has occurred over the past 3 years, that they were officially closing my case. How did I take it? It didn’t phase me. I expected it. I had already given up.

Then, my life changed.....and this time, it was a positive change. My wife had watched an Oprah show that she described as a “way of making things happen and being positive in life” and she thought I would like it so she TiVo’d it for me. Friday night February 9th, 2007 at 11:30pm, my wife had decided to go to bed yet I was still wide awake (we musicians have irregular internal clocks so I am used to being awake) and I remembered she had saved a show for me to watch. That show was the show with Jack Canfield and several others and it was about “The Secret.” That show...IMMEDIATELY changed my life. I’d realized that I have received what I have been asking for. The tape “You will never find them. You will never learn your roots.”....well, of course I won’t....that’s what I’ve been sending out to the universe.

I finished the show at 12:45am.....the scoured the internet...could this be true? I wanted to believe. I went to The Secret website (http://www.thesecret.tv)....watched everything, read everything, read every bio, signed up for the newsletters, registered with the site...and then purchased the DVD. We were going to spend the next weekend with some friends at our camp in the mountains and I wanted SO MUCH to take this dvd with me but I was afraid it wouldn’t arrive in time. I thought over and over, “Please ship it to me fast so I can take it with me to expose my friends to this...they must know!!” I couldn’t wait...so I went online and downloaded the audiobook version...loaded it onto my iPod and listened to it while cleaning the camp the next day (Sunday, Feb 11). I was literally hooked to every word. I couldn’t believe it at first. I was hearing so many of the things that I had been reading about for so many years but this was putting it all together....connecting the dots. Years of not believing....not knowing to believe...my wife and I had so many discussions to why we weren’t making more money, getting the house we desired, why we felt stuck in life.....I had been experiencing so many obstacles in different musical projects...I had the desire to succeed and just couldn’t figure out WHY I COULDN’T! This explained everything!

Then....the dvd showed up in Monday’s mail....what? I ordered it Saturday morning at 1:30am....how could it get there on Monday already? Especially when the order stated it could take a week for delivery. Did I just experience the law of attraction? Yes...I believe I did....I WANTED it to arrive in time to take to my friends. I thought it over and over...and it showed up. Wooooooaaaahhhhhh!

So, my wife and I sat down Monday night and watched the dvd....I was in tears.
It was all making sense. It’s been right there....but I couldn’t see it. The example Jack gave of driving from New York to California in the dark and only being able to see as far as the lights shown but *knowing* you would arrive trusting that the next 200 ft would come...that just opened my eyes wider. ALL my life...I’ve been trying to determine “how” to do this or that. It held me up...when Jack gave that example, it made SO much sense and that story stuck with me. Then, he told the story of how he sold his book and made his first $92,000. There it was again! Light bulb! 5 years ago, I’d had an idea to write a book. A desire to take my life experiences and tell the story in hopes that it could open another eyes. To help make their path a little easier. I have been struggling to write songs surrounding this same thing. But, at the time, I said to myself “I can’t do that.” ....well....I placed the order and ”Your wish is my command.”

After the movie, I again went to the internet. I couldn’t believe that the “Chicken Soup guy” was in this movie! My mom had tried to get me to read his books on different occasions and I just didn’t consider it....sometimes my brother and I even mocked the books. But, now...I believed! (I guess I’d better read those books!) I went to Jack’s website first...read through it and of course, signed up for the mailing list. As I laid in bed that night before going to sleep, (charged with this new excitement) I changed my thinking. I said to myself, “I WILL find them, we WILL reunite and I would like for something to happen by my birthday this year.” I asked, I believed and I felt it. Everyday....I released this out to the universe. I started buying the books of the other people in The Secret and read the newsletters.

We went to our weekend with friends and showed the movie to them....spent the next 2 hours discussing it....the next day discussing it amongst ourselves here and there. I expressed my intention and my thought change. Interesting enough, one friend asked me “Do you still have hope that you might find them someday?” Without pause I immediately said, “No. I don’t. Because now I KNOW I will.”

During our weekend with friends we all chose to go to dinner Friday night instead of cooking. I drove. And as we were leaving the camp I thought, “I’m going to try something relating to this new way of thinking.” We were going to The Outback Steakhouse. I had been there before and on Friday nights in State College, PA (home of Penn State University) it’s typically busy. We had made reservations and the drive was approximately 25 minutes down out of the mountains to the restaurant. I decided I would imagine the parking space that I wanted to pull into. I envisioned in my mind pulling into the parking lot, going in front of the building and pulling in the first space in the side lot. I saw us pulling in, getting out, locking the doors and walking away. Let me tell you right here and now, IT WAS EXACTLY how I thought. The entire line of space on both sides was full....EXCEPT for the space I thought about and saw in my mind me pulling into it to park. Wow! My jaw was on the floor! I told my wife...she couldn’t believe it. Coincience? I might have said that before...but not now!

After a couple days of resettling into everyday life, I was struggling with trying to get my head back in the right mode. I decided to go to bed early on Tuesday night to recharge. I went to bed, thought through all the things that I was grateful for (the breath in my lungs, my wife and kids, a warm house, cars to drive, drums to play, etc, etc)...and fell asleep.

Wednesday, February 21st....The morning began with yet another struggle with one of the music projects I had been working on. But, this time I didn’t allow it to get me down. I knew there was a lesson in it, that I would learn from it and move on. About 1pm I received an email from Jack Canfields mailing list with the subject “Kevin, join me on the Montel show?”...IMMEDIATELY....before I even opened the email I remembered the letter my foster father had sent to me after his wife’s passing...“Annie thought Montel Williams should be able to help you in your search.”.....“I hope we have helped you.” (prior to this moment I had all but forgotten about that letter)

Annie, George, the letter, The Secret, Jack Canfield’s newsletter, Montel in New York.....and the show date!!! February 28th! My “un-birthday!” (since there is no 29th this year).....could this be true? Are you kidding me? Free tickets? Did I really request this from the universe? What should I do?

Then I remembered another quote from the movie, “The universe likes speed.” Should I call for tickets? How can I get there? New York is 6 hours away....then remembered the story that Jack told of driving from New York to California....not worrying about the how-to’s....just trusting that the next 200 ft will come into view if you just keep going. So I made the call...and got a ticket. I told Lori (my wife) of this experience...and she too believes this is not coincidence...that this is true!

I don’t know how I’m getting there....I don’t know where it is in New York...but none of that matters....it will all work out. Is going to The Montel Show on my birthday going to bring me my long desired wish? I don’t know...that’s not what I’m thinking about. All I’m thinking is that these events, signs, experiences all came together to point me in a direction and regardless of the outcome I’m grateful for past experiences that have made me who I am and thankful for this years birthday present. I’m just trusting that the next 200 ft will unfold as long as I “just keep swimming.” (thank you Dory from Finding Nemo!)

...to be continued :-)